Losing Your Memory
by brookesdavis
Summary: It's 2021. An intense crash leaves Jay the victim of memory loss, causing him to lose the last six years of his life that include his marriage to Erin and four-year-old daughter. As Jay learns of his new life, Erin must come to terms with the fact the man she built a life with might not ever remember it. Will they thrive in the face of such adversity or crumble under the strain?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! It feels weird being back here posting. Season three has been a difficult one for me and definitely stunted my inspiration for a while. But I've had this idea for a long time and I've been working on it for the past few months so I finally thought I ought to just post it already. I'm not normally a fan of married or baby!fics (normally because it's hard for me to write in character and that's always a pet peeve of mine) but hopefully you'll find some enjoyment in reading this.**

 **Being the cliche I am, the song in mind is 'Losing Your Memory' by Ryan Star - a classic with just the right amount of angst I love. If you haven't already, I seriously recommend giving it a listen.**

 **And now, onto Chapter One!**

* * *

 **17th February 2021. 8:04pm.**

"Don't forget the eggs either, okay? We're making cupcakes tomorrow. Oh, and when you get the bread, make sure you reach and get it from the back so it's fresher. And-"

"You know, I have been grocery shopping before."

Jay smiled as he hit the blinker, taking an easy left. The time just ticked over into 8:04pm, and there was a soft glow to the night of Chicago. He could maybe see the frost trying to set or the cold air dazzling in the streetlights, but this was how he liked his city. This was what he strived for.

"Oh, and could you get me shampoo? It's the-"

"Green one in the thin bottle. Unless they don't have that in which case it's the pink one with the purple label. Believe it or not, I kind of know you, Erin Lindsay."

He could hear her smile on the other end. "Really? And here I was thinking we were practically strangers."

"We could be later tonight." He said, biting back a smile as he pulled into the parking lot. "We haven't done role play in forever."

"I'm cutting you off right now because it's bath time and you're putting impure thoughts in my head."

Jay chuckled softly, pulling into a space. "I hope you've put down half our towels. Remember how wet you got last time?"

"Okay, that was your last chance. I'm ending the call before you can make any more sexual innuendos."

He smiled as he switched off the ignition. As he hauled the car door open, he could hear splashing in the background of the call.

"Okay babe, I'll see you soon." Erin said. "Luce, can you hear daddy's voice? Here, say bye to daddy."

Jay locked the car as he strode towards the grocery store, phone pressed tightly to his ear. "Hey, Luce! Do daddy a favour, okay? I want you to splash as hard as you can. Big splashes, okay?"

She reacted instantly, the enthusiasm of her four year old self roaring in her actions from what Jay could hear. Her giggles, the water crashing, and a groan from Erin elicited the most childlike of smiles from him.

"You ass." He heard Erin say through gritted teeth. He could help but smile at the image of his wife, sleeves rolled up and hair tied back, drenched in water as she kneeled in front of the bath.

"I thought we were trying to stop using the a-word in front of Lucy?"

"I'll stop using it when you stop being one." Erin said. "And using our own daughter against me? A low blow, Jay."

"I can't help it if it's in her nature. She gets that mischief from you, anyway."

"Well me and this little mastermind have gotta start working on a revenge plan so if I were you, I'd hurry home."

"Just try and stop me. I love you."

"Love you, too."

* * *

 **17th February 2021. 8:19pm.**

Jay strode out of the store, both hands clutching bags of groceries. A slight rain had drizzled above him so he quickened his step, awkwardly unlocking his car as he juggled the bags. The cold wind nipped at him, and he ached to be home.

The streets were clear, and he was silently grateful to be avoiding the bustle of traffic. In fact, the roads were so empty, he was set to be home within minutes. But just like the calm before a storm, the silent streets became ominous. And it was only when he saw the blinding, painfully white lights of the truck swerving lanes heading for him, that Jay truly felt the pace of his heart quicken. Right before it stopped altogether.

* * *

 **17th February 2021. 8:34pm.**

It felt hard to breath. Why? Why was it hard to breath? He tried swallowing instead, worried there was something wrong with his throat altogether. He wanted to shout, but couldn't. He tasted the coppery tang of blood in his mouth. His eyes shot open, he could hear voices all around him. To his left and to his right, maybe they were all in his head. He couldn't see much, merely light escaping from broken crevices. He felt around, yes, there, something tugging at his chest. His fingers roamed it… His seatbelt. That's right, he was driving. He was in the car and he saw bright lights.

His chest felt constricted, he couldn't breathe. The voices blurred around him, his eyes landing on shattered glass laced with a red liquid. Blood.

"-Gotta get him out now."

"No, we wait for the paramedics, we'll do more harm than good."

"Well we can't just leave him there? Hell, he'll bleed to death."

"We move him and he bleeds to death!"

He didn't recognise the voices but wanted to yell out to them. He tried. He tried again. He tried until his throat felt like it was on fire.

And then it went black.

* * *

 **17th February 2021. 9:14pm.**

She tried his cell again, pacing by the window. It wasn't like Jay to take so long grabbing a few groceries. And it was more unlike Jay not to pick up. She didn't want to worry but she couldn't help it. And as her fourth call went to voicemail, she felt the gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach that something was wrong.

She chewed her nail as she leaned on the island counter, eyes pleading with the black screen of her phone. Maybe he'd just ran into an old friend and went for a drink. But still, she knew he would've called. Maybe he was having car trouble. Again, he would've called.

She was about to call again, but an unknown number flashed up to her before she could. With worry swept over her, she answered the call without a second thought.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Erin Lindsay?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"You're listed as Jay Halstead's emergency contact. He's your husband, is that right?"

"What's going on?"

"Is that right, Mrs. Lindsay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm his wife, where is he?"

"I'm afraid there's been an accident."

She felt as though she was falling, then soon realising her legs were giving under the weight of her. Her head was fuzzy, her vision blurry. She heard Lucy shout her name from her little girl's bedroom, but tried to hang onto the words being relayed to her through the phone. She grabbed onto bits and pieces like sand falling through her fingertips.

Chicago Med. Car accident. Internal bleeding. Surgery.

She left it somewhere in the air, shakily mumbling that she was on her way. She shoved the phone in her pocket and ran into her daughter's room, where she switched on the light and tore open the pink doors to Lucy's Princess Belle wardrobe.

"Mama, it's bedtime!" Lucy squealed, heartbreakingly excited by the change of pace. She sat up in her bed and rubbed her eyes with the back of her tiny pink hands as Erin scoured for a coat. She grabbed the first she saw, turning around and stuffing her daughter's arms into it, a little rougher than she intended.

"What's happening, Mama?"

"Uh," Erin wracked her brain as she leaned to grab Lucy's pair of flowery boots and zip her daughter's feet into them as quickly as possible. "We're just… We're going for a little drive, okay? Come on, it's like an adventure."

"Like Dora?" Lucy exclaimed, eyes wide.

"Yeah, exactly. Just like Dora. We have to be quick okay, so come on, sweetie…"

Erin trailed off as she headed towards the door, thinking Lucy was a step behind her. When she stopped and turned, she realised however her daughter was awkwardly making her bed, rearranging her toys and stuffed animals in an attempt to make them neater. It was as though she'd done it without thinking - it was a method that Jay had drilled into her the moment she was able to get herself out of bed. The thought made Erin want to bawl.

"Lucy, come on. You can do that later. We have to be quick, baby."

Lucy grabbed her stuffed giraffe and ran after her Mom, her tiny legs flailing as though pent up with excitement. It would've broken Erin's heart, if only she'd let herself think about it. Instead she grabbed her coat, grabbed her daughter's hand, and ran out of her apartment before she could let the sadness sink in.

At some point down the stairwell, Erin had taken to hauling Lucy in her arms, realising it'd be quicker to hold the youngster on her hip than wait for her minuscule legs to dismount each individual stair.

As they broke through the doors from her complex, Erin was struck with a thought and whipped her phone from her jeans pocket. She dialled the number she'd had memorised since she was sixteen and pressed the phone to the space between her shoulder and neck, holding it in place as she unlocked the car.

"Hank?"

"What is it, what's wrong?" He always could read her like a book.

She opened the backseat and saw Lucy's carseat. It was usually in Jay's car and they'd only recently moved it to Erin's on a whim. She thought for a second how lucky it was that she had it, then shook that insane thought from her head. None of this was lucky.

"He's been in an accident. They… Chicago Med called; he was in a car accident. They said something about internal bleeding…" She babbled as she fiddled with the carseat. Jay always had a knack at clipping it together in a hot second. She never could get it.

"Okay, kid calm down. Where are you?"

She snapped it into place and saw her daughter's eyes looking up into hers, a look of confusion mixed with intrigue. Erin bit her lip and forced a smile at Lucy before softly shutting the door and sinking into the driver's seat.

"We're just leaving home now… Hank, I… I don't know how to do this." She spluttered, pressing her palm into her forehead and taking a second to fall apart.

"I'll meet you there in ten minutes. Drive safe."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please drop me a review with any and all of your thoughts or feelings.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm overwhelmingly happy with the response I got from the first chapter - a huge thank you to anyone who read/reviewed/followed/reviewed it. I hope this is a good update to follow with!**

* * *

 **17th February 2021. 9:31pm.**

Erin ran into Chicago Med, her cold hand clutching Lucy's fiercely. Her daughter had questions but Erin just didn't her best to brush them off, not knowing yet what to say. She ran to reception and caught hold of the first person she could.

"My name's Erin Lindsay, I got a call about twenty minutes ago that my husband was in a car accident? His name is Jay Halstead."

The name got a few looks - she guessed Will was a well known surgeon round the hospital and hoped, if anything, it'd play to her advantage.

"Please." Erin breathed, hoping the woman in front of her could see the desperation in her eyes. "Where can I find him?"

"Mama," Lucy whispered, tugging on Erin's hand. "I'm tired."

Erin held Lucy's small face in the palm of her hand and ran her thumb across her cheek. Her eyes went from her daughter's innocent, oblivious eyes to the woman who could tell her where Jay's unconscious body was laying in that very building.

The receptionists eyes flitted briefly to Lucy's small demeanour, and Erin watched as her adoration of her child clouded her judgement. And the thought made Erin so grateful for her daughter in that moment.

"He's on the East Wing, third floor. The last update I have is of Dr. Nelson taking him onto the OR. He's head of cardio, your husband is in capable hands." She said, reading from the tablet in her hands.

Erin offered a sincere, hasty thanks before taking Lucy again by the hand and making her way as quickly as possible to the East Wing.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 9:48pm**

"And… Closed." Will said to his staff as he stitched the final sutra into his patient. "Nice work everyone."

A soft chatter ensued as the surgery was brought to a close, Will gently patting the backs of the surgeons he passed. With so much death surrounding him daily, he made it a personal goal to bask in the few successes he had.

He pulled the surgical gown from his body as he flicked open the door, then proceeding to slide the gloves from his hands and bunch them together in one contaminated mess. Finally, he pulled the mask from his mouth and tried to take a left, had it not been for Natalie Manning swerving into him.

"Will." She breathed, eyes wide. "Did you hear?"

"About what?"

She gulped. "Jay. They brought him in about an hour ago. He was in a car accident, Will."

He took off down the longest corridor of his life, despite the fact Natalie was saying something consoling that, under other circumstances, he would've stayed to hear. But Jay was his brother. And he wasn't wasting a second of finding out if he was okay.

As his legs powered on, a part of Will wondered whether Natalie was mistaken. - Whether she'd heard something misleading or caught the end of a conversation somewhere. But as he slowed down towards the surgical board, reality swept him up.

 _R. Nelson. J. Halstead. OR 6._

He swallowed at the sight of his brother's name, and thought for a second that the convulsions in his stomach might lead to him vomiting, right there in front of all his colleagues. But that instinct of fight for flight turned to flight in a hot second, and he was off again down the corridors of a building filled with, for not the first time, his own prayers.

Still, as a burning in his thighs told him to slow down and a pounding in his head warned him to take a break from sprinting, a small part of Will wondered if this was all a part of his subconscious. He always did have vivid dreams as a child - dreams that could turn to nightmares at the drop of a hat. And when they did, it was always Jay's voice he'd call out from the bottom of their bunk beds. So, naturally, he wondered if maybe it was the effect of an eighty hour work week bringing out the crazy in him. But then he pushed open the doors into the central lobby and saw an array of people that clarified just how real this all was.

He saw Erin first, pacing along the width of the seating area, hands moving up and down her biceps as she did so. Then he saw Hank, straight, strong and unmovable. He always did kind of give Will the creeps. His eyes then landed on Antonio, one of Jay's colleagues that Will had always silently admired, as he knew Jay had.

"Will!" Erin breathed, the second her eyes fell on him. She rushed towards him with open arms, desperation in every breath she exhaled. "Tell me you know something."

"I just found out." His shaky lips mumbled.

"I tried calling you-" She rambled, apologies in her eyes. His phone was in his locker and he was in surgery. It wasn't her fault that he wasn't the first to know.

"I'm gonna find out what's going on." She nodded, gave him a final look before watching him speed off through restricted doors.

The second his foot landed in that operating theatre, his body erupted in chills. This very room held life and death on a teetering tightrope. He knew that, he'd seen it every day.

One of the nurses on hand produced a mask. He held it over his mouth and gave himself another five seconds to self prepare for this. Not that five seconds made much of a difference - he was pretty sure he could have the rest of his life to prepare and it still wouldn't be long enough.

"Nelson." He said, voice steady.

John Nelson's eyes landed on Halstead's for a brief second before returning back to his operation. "Get him out of here." He said.

"Tell me what's going on." Will exclaimed as another nurse placed her hand to his shoulder. He couldn't see Jay's face, merely an arrangement of tubes and surgical instruments that weight down on him with an unfathomable force.

"Dr. Halstead, I am in the middle of a surgery here. The best thing you can do is turn around and get out of my OR."

"To hell with that! That's my brother there! I should be operating right now!" The dysfunction in him spoke.

"That's exactly why you shouldn't be operating. You know hospital policy. Now, the more you make a scene here, the more time I'm wasting-"

"I'm not going anywhere, Nelson." Will stated, arms folded across his chest. "So you can either do me a solid and tell me what you're working on, or you watch me stand here and lose my god damn mind."

Nelson hesitated for a moment, stopping after a suture, but Will knew he'd ultimately struck the right chord.

"Jay Halstead, head-on collision. Had a concussion when he came in, pupils non-responsive and clear lacerations along the neck and lower abdomen. We opened him up expecting to see a puncture in the aorta, but luckily the shard was located around a centimetre to the left of this. I'm just about to remove the blood in the belly."

* * *

 **17th February 2021 9:52pm.**

Erin still couldn't bring herself to stop pacing. She needed something to do to stop her mind from going to dark places, though that was pretty much a given at this point.

Seeing Will had given her something akin to hope, knowing that her brother-in-law was good in a crisis. She needed to know Jay was in safe hands, even if she felt like she was falling through the cracks.

"Mama, mama!" She heard Lucy shout, then a second later saw the whisps of her soft mousy hair in the air as she raced straight into Erin. "Coffee!" She shouted, clarified by Ruzek, hot on her tails, clutching a small cup of coffee that he handed to Lindsay.

"I don't reckon it's very good, but it can't be worse than what we've got at the precinct, right?"

Lucy wrapped her free hand, the one not clutching George the Giraffe, around Erin's legs. Erin instinctively cupped her daughter's head and held her close against her, mouthing a very sincere, "Thank you" to Adam as she, for a second, let her mind go to something other than Jay lying on an operating table.

"Where'd you guys go?" Erin asked after a second, over-enunciating and putting on her happy, mom voice.

"Oh, man, where didn't we go!" Adam said, eliciting a beam from Lucy. "George got a real good look at everything round here."

Lucy nodded, pushing herself off Erin and clutching her stuffed toy with both hands. Her smile faded after a few moments and her tired eyes blinked as she formed words in her head.

"Mama, where's daddy?"

Erin understood her confusion - it wasn't often that the whole unit was somewhere and Jay wasn't. But as far as Erin had come since becoming a mother, she still wasn't ready for everything her four year old was asking. Just like the time she had to explain where the sun went at night, and how that spider was 'very happy and very much alive' after Jay had squashed it to smithereens, she was at a loss here. Luckily, Hank always knew the right time to step in.

"Hey, Luce, come here!"

Lucy had always had an affection towards Hank, and Erin knew he had a sweet spot for her. It was endearing as hell, even Jay had agreed with that. Lucy's boots smacked off the hard floor as she ran over to Voight, where he proceeded to kneel down in front of her.

"What's that? I can… It looks like you've got something…" He feigned confusion, tentatively bringing his hand up to the side of her face. Erin already smiled, she knew how much Lucy loved that trick. Hank pulled a lollipop from behind her ear, holding it in front of his granddaughter with her eyes wide in wonderment.

"What do you say, Lucy?" Erin chimed in, mentally wondering if this was really the time to be interjecting manners into her child.

"Thank you, grandpa." She sang, taking the lollipop after he'd removed the wrapping.

Hank's eyes went to Erin and he nodded slightly, knowing he'd saved her from a conversation she wasn't yet ready to have. It was inevitably present, but Erin wasn't prepared enough to tell her four year old that her father was in emergency surgery.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 10:16pm.**

A little over twenty minutes later, everyone had showed up. So much so, that Hank was beginning to turn them away - not that anybody listened, of course.

Erin had finally given in and sat back in one of the waiting room chairs, Lucy lay against her chest and gently toyed with the waves of Erin's hair. She was waiting for Lucy to fall asleep, knowing the tire was setting in gradually.

Kim sat to her right, arriving after Ruzek because she'd stopped by the store to buy snacks for everyone. The thought made Erin smile - Kim always had much more of a 'mom-energy' about her, despite her and Adam being still childless.

Hank was on her left, followed by Antonio, Kevin and finally Mouse on the end, eyes hauntingly soft and broken.

"Mama…" Lucy whispered after a while. "I don't wanna be on an adventure anymore. I'm tired."

"I know, sweetie." Erin breathed, feeling tears in her eyes threatening to surface til she blinked them back. They were supposed to be at home: Lucy in her princess bed and Erin in Jay's arms.

Kim leaned in a second later, brushing Erin's hand with her's to get her attention. "We can take her, if you want?"

Erin looked past Kim and into the consoling eyes of Adam, then back to Burgess. She nodded silently, knowing she couldn't keep her daughter on her lap all night.

"Luce, do you wanna go home with Kim and Adam now?"

"Like a sleepover?" She asked with a following yawn.

Erin smiled, brushing the small hairs out of her face. "Yeah," She whispered, kissing her forehead. "Like a sleepover."

"Will you come?" Lucy asked.

"No, I'm gonna stay here for a little while."

"How come?"

Erin again, blinked back tears. The hard part of their job always was explaining things to kids. And that didn't get easier, regardless of it being your own child. She would have to tell Lucy the truth at some point, but it wasn't then.

Erin opened her mouth, trying to dream up some childlike lie before Kim intervened and saved her.

"Because we only have enough ice-cream for three of us. Me, Adam and somebody else…"

"Me!" Lucy shouted, sitting up on Erin's lap and beaming at Kim. "I'm somebody! It's me!"

Kim let out a chuckle, throwing a look to Erin and mumbling, "Always sharp as a tact."

Erin leaned in to kiss her daughter's cheek. "Okay, then. Have a fun sleepover, baby."

Lucy climbed down off her lap and clutched Burgess's hand, mumbling something about ice-cream. Erin smiled, happy at how well the distraction had worked. She only wished something could distract her that easily.

Kim then passed Lucy off to Adam as she turned back to Erin, who'd stood up and folded her arms over her chest. "Is it alright if we swing by your place first? Grab some of her stuff?"

"Yeah, of course." Erin replied. She'd given them a spare key a while ago. "Oh, and here," She quickly grabbed her car keys from her jacket pocket and handed them off to Kim. "Grab her seat from my car."

Burgess held the keys in her hand for a second before leaning in to hug Erin, whispering quietly in her ear, "Call me when you hear, okay?"

Lindsay nodded, forced a smile at Ruzek and her daughter, and watched as Kim grabbed Lucy's free hand and she Adam walked off with Lucy in between them. With her daughter out of her grip and in safe hands, Erin could finally breathe.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 10:21pm.**

Mouse stood up abruptly, said he needed air.

"Mouse-" Erin started, wanting desperately to offer some consolation.

"I got him." Kevin mumbled, following him out.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 10:29pm.**

"Tell me again what happened." Hank said slowly. Erin was starting to get a headache.

"I've told you everything I know. Three times."

"Well, tell me a fourth."

She turned to him, face turned in confusion and anger and despair. "What are you exactly trying to get out of me?"

"I just wanna know what happened."

"I've told you!" Erin screamed, well aware that she was getting looks. She rose from her seat and looked down at Hank.

"Hey, Erin, let's get some coffee." Antonio was in her ear, trying to reason. But she couldn't get her eyes off Hank, off the situation, of the absolute injustice of it all.

"You think I'm lying about something? Do you think he was drunk, or high, or caused this in some way?-"

"I'm sorry." He said, and though she could hear the sincerity, she couldn't stop herself.

"You know him, Hank! I was on the phone to him half an hour before and he was fine! He was happy, he was…"

"I know." Voight reasoned, standing up and softly wrapping his arms around Erin. "I know." He felt her crumble against him and sob gently against his shoulder.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 10:49pm.**

Erin checked her phone, seeing a text from Kim letting her know that Lucy was fast asleep.

 _[10:49] Out like a light. Managed to finish her ice-cream first, though._

 _[10:49] That sounds like her. Thanks, Kim._

 _[10.50] Any update?_

 _[10.50] Not yet._

 _[10.50] I'll be there the second you need me._

* * *

 **17th February 2021 10:58pm.**

Erin toyed with the wedding band on her finger, twisting it round and round until the skin began to redden. She thought about how quickly they decided to get married, how much of an impulse thing it was.

Then she thought about how it was the best impulse decision she'd ever made. How, if she thought deep enough, it didn't feel like an impulse at all.

Somehow it felt like she was always meant to wear that ring.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 11:03pm.**

She felt beaten. Like she was in a boxing match she never wanted to be part of. The longer the time went on, the harder Erin found it to breath. And despite Hank telling her to keep an open mind, she couldn't help but take the passing time as a bad sign. It made her think of all the times she'd had to tell a wife her husband had died, and how every time it broke her down just a little bit more. A part of her thought that if she'd have to hear the news this time, it might just be the blow to break her altogether.

By 11:04pm, Will had returned with news. As Erin watched him stride towards them all, his fatigue showing on his face as much as it did on hers, she found herself holding her breath until he spoke.

"The surgery was a success." Will said, eyes flickering between all of them. "Nelson got the bleeding, there were no complications. BP dropped a few times, but he got it. It was a success."

The others began muttered between them, exhaling sighs of relief. Dawson clasped his hand on Will's shoulder and offered some comfort and Hank nodded to Erin, wanting to know if she was alright. But Erin's eyes were on Will, and she wasn't yet ready to breathe that sight of relief.

"He's resting now, they're waiting for the anaesthesia to wear off, but… But Dr. Nelson is confident that he'll make a full recovery."

"Will, can you… Can you just do me a favour and say that again?" Erin stuttered, feeling her eyes welling up. Her emotions, on the surface all night, were now ready to overfill.

Will smiled hopefully, his eyes also becoming glassy as he stepped nearer to Erin. "He should be fine. He's going to be fine, Erin."

She broke down again that night, crushing her body against Will's and finally, with every cell in her body, felt relief.

* * *

 **17th February 2021 11:12pm.**

Hank had sent everybody home, bar Erin of course. Though Kevin, Antonio, Al and especially Mouse had been reluctant to do so, Voight promised to give the word he or Erin knew Halstead had woken up.

Erin made a phone call to Kim, who answered almost immediately. She heard both Burgess's and Ruzek's sighs and comments of relief from the other end of the call, and ensured she'd call again the minute Jay's eyes were open. As she said it, as she thought it, Lindsay's lips fell into an easy smile. The first genuine one since she heard the news.

She'd requested, rather blatantly to Will, that she wanted to see Jay. She thought he might protest, throw some company policy at her or express his discomfort and bending the rules. But her merely nodded, an empathetic look on his face as he led her and Hank to room 241.

Erin felt herself again unconsciously holding her breath as Will twisted the knob, opening the threshold to her husband. Two nurses fluttered around him, finishing up their tasks before leaving the room and offering fleeting looks of sympathy to Erin. Though she was barely looking. Her eyes were solely and completely on Jay Halstead, battered and bruised, eyes angelically closed.

She walked to his side, leaned over him. Without thinking she reached out and grazed her fingers against the cut along his cheekbone, her fingertips then dancing softly against the bruise already forming along his neck.

She blinked as her eyes welled, though she felt a single tear drop and land on the pillow next to him. Erin wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed, looking back to Will.

"Is he, uh… Is he in pain?"

"They have him on some pretty high meds, so he shouldn't be feeling anything too severe."

She nodded, letting her eyes trail back to Jay. His arms were untucked beneath the hospital bedding, and she instinctively reached out to grip his hand.

"What's the usual time before he should wake up?"

"It's hard to say. Sometimes it's hours, sometimes days. It's just a waiting game, really."

 _We waited a long time already, right? What's another day on top of that._ She thought, wondering, if by some miracle, he'd hear the thoughts in her head. Hospitals saw miracles all the time, maybe they could see hers.

Her thumb ran back and forward along the back of his hand, and she watched and waited to see if he'd react. But nothing.

"I want to stay." She said, eyes still on her husband.

"Erin," Hank attempted to reason, but she knew what she wanted and wasn't going to budge.

"I'm not leaving. I need to be here when he wakes up."

And, again, Will didn't object. He of all people knew how easily it was to love Jay Halstead.

Erin unclasped her hand from Jay's for a second to take off her jacket and hook it over the back of her chair. She felt Hank's eyes on hers and when she met them, she knew he was struggling with what to do.

"You should go. I'll call you if anything happens."

"I don't want to leave you here, Erin."

"There's nothing you can do right now." Her eyes flickered to Will. "It's just a waiting game." Will gave a sad smile.

Voight waited a beat before nodding. He stuffed his hands inside his jeans and tensed his jaw as he prepared to leave. "I'm gonna swing by the station, see who called it in and what they have on it."

Lindsay smiled, knowing that Hank was going to find who was responsible. She knew it would make him feel better, having something to do.

"I'll come by in the morning." He told her, before heading out to leave.

She expected Will to follow suit, but he hung back a little while. After a second she turned to look at him, taking in the bags under his eyes and the overall dishevelled look about him.

"Thank you." She said. "For having his back out there. And for having mine."

His lips forced a smile, his eyes accepting her thanks. "I'll get you a blanket."

* * *

 **18th February 2021 2:32am.**

Erin woke up. Jay hadn't yet.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 3:49am.**

She woke again softly, something drawing her into reality. She was creased into the chair by Jay's side and, as her eyes opened, she thought for a second that maybe it was his voice coaxing her out of sleep.

But then her eyes fell on Will, sat by his side, and she noticed the difference in the voice.

"-Remember that time you beat up Billy Duncan because he convinced everyone not to pick me for basketball? And mom found out and grounded you for a week. I can't remember how much…"

He droned on and recapped stories from their childhood, some Erin had heard before, and some she hadn't. But she listened to every one, before she fell back into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 5:52am.**

Erin's back began to cramp, so she took the waking time to stand up and stretch her legs. Her eyes fell on the clock on the wall. Their alarm at home was going to go off in thirty eight minutes.

She looked to Jay. No change.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 7:03am.**

Erin was woken by nurses, fluttering about her, doing rounds. They looked over Jay, making nonchalant comments about the weather or recent news. Erin did her best to remain polite.

By 7:05am, Will made his entrance. He didn't say anything about sneaking in to reminisce about his childhood with Jay, and neither did Erin. She wanted to let him believe he had that quite, remote time with his brother alone. He brought her a cup of coffee, for which she was, to no end, thankful.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 7:21am.**

Erin called Kim, and quickly had to begrudgingly report that there was no change. Kim was disappointed but hopeful, and reminded Erin to keep thinking positive thoughts. As though that made any kind of difference.

"Lucy has daycare this morning. Is there any chance you can drop her off?"

"Sure, no problem." Kim said freely. "Voight just called Adam, said he's spoken with the DA and said they're not taking any new cases on just yet." That's the closest thing Hank would do to giving his team a day off: assigning a work day filled with just paperwork.

"Thanks for last night, Kim. And this morning. I," She looked over at Jay. She normally would've said 'we'. "Really appreciate it."

* * *

 **18th February 2021 8:34am.**

Erin heard the door gently opening and turned to see Hank step into the room. He looked ahead at Halstead's unmoving body and then back to Erin. She softly shook her head but bared him a hopeful smile. Because that's what she was. Hopeful.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 9:28am.**

There was a soft knocking at the door, and on the other side was Kim. She entered baring a small brown bag and two coffee cups.

"Hey," Erin said, a little surprise at her appearance. "What are you doing here?"

"I got the day off," Kim responded, closing the door behind her and handing a cup to Erin. "I cleared it with Platt."

Erin threw her a look. "You didn't need to do that."

"Sure I did. I also got you a cream cheese bagel, and…" She delved into the bag, retrieving the bagel and a folded up piece of paper. Erin pulled it open to reveal a drawing. "She did it this morning."

The picture showed Lucy, Kim and Adam and a giant bowl of ice cream, with Erin and Jay being drawn on the other side running after them. Erin smiled, fingers running across the crayon-coloured image.

"Was she asking questions?"

Kim sat herself in a chair on the other side of the room, a somber look taking over her face. "A few. We did a good job of changing the subject."

"I'll explain it to her later." Erin muttered, eyes tracing Jay's lifeless figure. She wondered if she prayed enough in the moment it would be enough to bring him back to her.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 3:45pm.**

The day came and passed. Erin left briefly to pick up Lucy from daycare, where she babbled on about playing in the garden and seeing a butterfly that came 'this close!'. She was on the track to return to Chicago Med before, at the last second, taking a quick turn that took her to the precinct instead.

"Work?" Lucy wondered aloud from the backseat, recognising the place where she'd practically grown up in.

Erin put on a brave face. "Yeah, work! You wanna hang out with Grandpa for a bit?"

Lucy could never say no to that. She gripped Erin's hand and the two made their way into the district, climbing the stairs they had so many times before.

"Kevvy!" Lucy squealed, first seeing the large form of Atwater. Erin always joked that he was hard to miss.

"Well, hey, 'lil miss Lucy."

"Anything new?" Antonio asked her as Lucy raced off and to Erin's desk. Erin solemnly shook her head. _Stay positive, stay positive._

Hank appeared in his doorway, worry overcoming his usual stormy expression. "Everything okay?"

Erin made her way over, leaning in to ask Voight, "Can I leave her here for a little while? I don't want to take her there until he wakes up, you know?"

He did know. She'd told him about the time Bunny was unconscious before her eyes. It was scarring for a child to have to see that. And until she had the words to explain why Jay was unmoving and bruised, she didn't want to subject Lucy to seeing it.

"Of course. I'll bring her by when we're done here."

* * *

 **18th February 2021 6:04pm.**

"He always said I was the one who kept him waiting." Erin tried to joke, but it just came out emotionless and dry.

She swallowed, her throat hurting. She was thirsty and getting hungry again - the burger Kim had grabbed from lunch didn't leave much of an impression. But more than anything, she was tired. She just wanted this all to be over. To take Jay home, to move on.

"What if he doesn't wake up?" She wondered aloud, feeling Kim's eyes on her. "I mean, that happens right? That happens all the time. They just don't wake up."

"The surgery was a success, right?" Erin nodded. "Then he has no reason not to wake up."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Updates are coming soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Again, I'm blown away by all the wonderful reviews and can't emphasise enough how much they make my day - thank you! It put such a smile on my face that I decided to post this chapter a day earlier than I was planning. (Please forgive any typos there might be!)**

 _ **Charmita - I'm way way way behind on Chicago Med and, although I do ship Natalie and Will, when I started planning this story they were just in the beginning stages so I've kept it as such. I didn't put too much focus into it and it's not at the forefront of this story (I'm not planning to include anything between them again) but thank you for asking so I could just clear that up. I also want to mention here that Justin remains alive in this universe - again, not likely to be relevant but I wanted to mention it anyway. Thank you for your review and questions!**_

* * *

 **18th February 2021 6:25pm.**

All at once, there was life in the room. But to Erin's dismay, it wasn't Jay.

The entire unit had rallied to the hospital at once, and one-by-one, they filed in. Adam was first, leaning in to kiss Kim's cheek before making his way to Jay's side. With the door left open, Mouse hovered nervously and Atwater fell shortly behind, Al bringing up the rear.

Erin breathed a nervous breath - this was it. She stood outside the door and waited for Hank. He came minutes later with Antonio and Lucy. Dawson made his way into the room, as did Voight after a hearty look of strength.

"Hey, sweetie." Erin sank down to the floor, her hands going to Lucy's sides as she held her steady in front of her. "Did you have a fun day?"

"Why are we here again, Mama? Are we going home soon?" Lucy babbled, distractedly looking up and down the walls of the hallway. "Is daddy home? I wanna see daddy."

"I have to tell you something, Luce. It's important and I need you to listen, okay?" She took a breath. "Daddy was hurt last night. There was a crash and it hurt him. So now he's sleeping 'til he gets better."

"I can kiss him! Kiss wakes daddy up!"

Erin had tears in her eyes, her mind going back to the times Jay had played Reverse Sleeping Beauty with Lucy. She'd gotten too excited and couldn't keep her eyes closed, so Jay assumed the princess role. It was their thing now.

"I don't think a kiss is gonna work this time, baby. So we'll just have to wait, okay?"

"For how long?"

"I don't know. Not long, I hope."

She ran a hand across Lucy's forehead, gathering her wispy hair and pushing it back neatly. Without thinking she pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead and stayed like that for a second.

Soon enough, Kevin and Adam poked their heads round the door and offered to take Lucy to the playground round back. Erin advocated the idea, but Lucy looked hesitant.

"Can I… See hurt daddy first?"

Erin creased her forehead, but nodded nonetheless. She couldn't exactly refuse to leave Jay's side all day and then deny her daughter a single minute with him. Ruzek held the door open and Lucy tottered in, Erin close behind with her hands on her daughter's shoulders. The gentle murmuring inside the room came to a soft hush as all eyes were on the four year old, overwhelmed with the brightness of the room and the gentleness to her father's body. Her small feet came to a stop at the sight, and she began curling into Erin's body.

"It's okay." Erin soothed, urging Lucy forward. "We just have to be gentle."

At her own gradual pace, Lucy made her way to the bedside, eyes wide as she took it all in. Erin wondered how much of her brain could comprehend what was going on. Lucy blinked her eyes and turned back to Erin.

"Dine-saur?" She asked, but Erin just softly shook her head.

"I don't think Danny the Dinosaur can help daddy right now."

Erin felt her heart beat fast in her chest. She tried to get inside her daughter's head, thinking that a toy she cuddled when she was sick was applicable to injuries sustained in a car accident. She wanted to desperately to explain it properly to her, but couldn't find the words to denote the magnitude of it all.

Lucy attempted to climb on the metal bed frame, soon helped by Antonio sweeping her up and putting her gently on the edge of the bed. The whole room was captivated as her tiny fingers went to Jay's face. She touched his nose, tapped it as though he would come to life at that. Her fingers hovered over the cuts on his face. She leaned in close, so much so that Dawson had to step in again and make sure she wouldn't fall straight off the bed.

"Wake up now, daddy." She whispered, but loud enough for everyone else to hear. Erin felt Hank's hand on her back, offering his support. It wasn't enough.

She watched as Lucy kissed Jay's cheek, then waited a couple of seconds. As though contemplating whether he'd wake up from it. The room stood silent in the moments it took Lucy to acknowledge the reality and climb back down from the bed.

"Playground?" Erin suggested, her tone as happy as she could manage.

Lucy nodded, slowly making her way over to Kevin to grab his hand. Erin held her smile as the two began to leave, Adam just behind them. He stopped to put his hand on her arm, offer whatever consolation he could. Erin was about to, in her best Mom voice, tell them to be safe, but was startled by Mouse's unexpected voice breaking the tension.

"Jay?! His eyes are opening… Jay, Jay!"

Erin's knees felt weak. This was it.

A stupid part of her kind of expected his eyes to pop open all at once; for him to be singing and dancing the second he broke back into consciousness. But this was gradual.

"Jay?" She heard her shaky voice, and she was suddenly at his side. She watched as his eyes adjusted and he cleared his throat.

* * *

 **18th February 2021 6:32pm.**

Jay's head hurt. It was strange: how everything went from dark and silent to the gradual sprinkling of voices around him. They became clearer by the second. He willed his eyes to open next, which they did, slowly and somewhat painfully as he adjusted to the bright lights. The rooms were alarmingly white, the overhead light too powerful for his eyes.

He blinked some more, felt his eyes open fully. Everyone was staring at him. He was in a… Hospital. How he got there, Jay didn't know.

His throat hurt as he tried to clear it, feeling as though he hadn't spoken in a month. He tried to remember what happened, what put him there…

"Jay?" Erin ran to his right side, her hands on every inch of him. Confusion hit him like a ton of bricks as her fingers roamed his face, gripped his hand. She was crying and smiling. The most disconcerting thing of all was that Hank was shortly behind her. Jay felt awkward even receiving such affection… How could she be so blasé about it?

He heard the door open and shut rapidly, and thought it was Kim that he saw run out. But her hair was different. Was it Burgess?

"How do you feel?" Lindsay asked, hands still gripping either side of his face.

Truthfully, he didn't know how he felt. His head felt muddy, his body sore. She ran one of her hands against his forehead and into his hair, delving him into a new realm of confusion.

His eyes locked with hers and there was something behind them, as though she was trying to tell him something secret, just for them.

"I've felt better." He murmured, and heard gentle laughs from every inch of the room. His eyes spread across everyone, who, for a reason he couldn't put his finger on, looked different somehow. Erin still had her hands on him.

"You really had us worried, there, man." Kevin said from the far end.

Antonio chimed in a second later with, "If you were that desperate for a day off you could've just said something." That got laughs, too.

"Don't scare me like that again, okay?" Erin whispered, so quiet that only he could hear it. He looked at her with a furrowed brow, wondering if he'd missed something. What had changed since whatever landed him in the hospital?

The door opened again, Kim making a reappearance. Behind her, Adam was beaming. "Good to see you back, buddy." He exclaimed. Jay would've responded, had it not been for the little girl to his right. Was she from a case? Why bring her to the hospital?

"Who's that?" He asked cautiously, wondering why nobody else had the same question.

As he was saying it, she broke out into a smile and squealed as she ran over to him. Had he met her before on a different case? She didn't look familiar. Well, there was something that struck a cord within him regarding her eyes, and maybe her shade of hair. But that didn't mean anything.

Erin's confusing look of love towards him had faded as she regarded him with caution. Jay was confused again. Did she know who the girl was? By the way she had her hands on her little shoulders, Jay was guessing she did.

"Seriously, who is she? What's she doing here?"

Erin was deadly serious now. The room was silent. "Is… Is this a joke? Jay?"

But he wasn't joking, and he knew she knew that. Why would he joke about it? Why was nobody else as confused as he was? Why was he even in the hospital?

She was looking at him again like they had something unspoken between them, like she was maybe waiting for him to crack up and say he recognised the little girl and that it all made sense.

There was a broken look about her as she turned her head. "Someone go find Will."

"Who's Will?" Jay asked, confused at all these new people. Then he attached his brother's name to the fact they were in a hospital. Although that felt like a reach. "Will, as in… My brother Will? He's in New York right now… What's going on?"

Erin turned back to Jay. Her voice broke a little as she spoke. "You… You know who I am, right?" She asked desperately.

"Yeah." He said, almost scoffing.

Erin picked up the little girl and held her on her hip. "Do you know who this is?" She asked slowly.

He looked at her like she was crazy. If she was from a case, how the hell was he supposed to know who she was? He didn't know how long he was in the hospital for, but he definitely didn't know her before whatever happened had happened.

"Jay, you know who this is, come on!" She said, and he could tell she was begging him. It was insane. He thought he might still be dreaming or something.

"Erin." Hank chimed in. Jay could read worry on his face.

"What's happening?" Jay asked the room. "I'm confused."

"Halstead, what year is it?" Voight asked calmly. Jay wanted to laugh. Maybe it was some kind of inside joke or prank they'd all planned.

"Is this a joke?"

"What year is it?"

"2015." Jay shrugged. The moment he said it, the air became palpable. He knew right then and there that something wasn't right.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey there! Thanks to everyone who has started this story and showed appreciation by favouriting/following/reviewing.**

 **sxcthing123 - I definitely want to carry on with my other stories, and with exam season being nearly over for me I definitely want to. I have some half finished one shots for my two collections and would 100% love to get my ass into gear to get back onto 'From A To Z'. (I lost the plan I made for the story and it demotivated me so much that I basically abandoned it. But I'm going to give a real go at putting effort into that one.) I don't feel like So Easy will be updated, but hey, you never know.**

 **I do want to mention that if inspired I'll write like hell. So please, if you have a spare second or a burning idea for a prompt, send it my way. Dialogue prompts can be left in the reviews of 'That's Why You Have Backup' and regular prompts in 'Hardest Words To Say'. And a huge thank you to anyone who supported anything I've previously wrote and have followed me here.**

 **Chapter Four - this one was a fun one to write. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Almost springing into action, Antonio took Lucy from Erin's hold and left the room. Which Lindsay was thankful for because she wasn't feeling all that steady on her feet. And hearing Lucy call Jay 'daddy' and him not respond might be the thing to finally take it out of her.

She began pacing again as Jay asked questions. Her mind raced back to 2015, trying to remember what had happened that year, what kind of people they were.

"What's the last thing you remember?" She demanded, cutting Mouse off with whatever he was rambling on about. Jay looked startled.

"I, uh… I…"

"Where were you, what day was it? Come on, Jay, think!"

"Erin, calm down." Hank urged.

"How am I supposed to calm down?" She practically screamed. She felt her eyes welling up again. She'd considered Jay waking up fine and not waking up at all, she'd never considered this.

"Let's just wait for Will to get here."

"Because he'll know how to magically fix this?" She asked incredulously. Then she snapped back into action, leaning over Jay and grabbing his hand. "Come on, Jay. Tell me… Tell me you know what year it is. Please."

"Yeah! It's two-" He stopped, and she was a little grateful. If she heard 2015 again she thought she might black out. But he didn't stop because he realised he was six years behind, he stopped because he looked down at her left hand enveloping his right hand.

"Wh… Is that a ring? A wedding ring?" He said, brow creased. "Did you get married?"

She broke down. Tears trickling down her cheeks as she reached across and grabbed his left hand. She took it roughly and held it up, his band gleaming under the light. " _We_ did! We got married!" She shouted. "Tell me you remember that!"

His face fell slack, eyes darting round with panic. "I'm confused. What's… I don't know what's happening."

Will made his appearance at exactly the right second, throwing Erin a look of 'what the hell is going on?' She paced away and pressed her hands to her forehead, wondering what she'd done to deserve all this.

"Jay?" Will started softly. "Do you know who I am?"

"Yeah. Why… Why are you here? Why aren't you in New York. Why are you…" His eyes darted to his brother's scrubs. He paused for a second. "…Do you… Work here?"

"He says it's 2015." Mouse murmured. He looked pale.

Will retrieved the light from his pocket and began checking Jay's pupils. "Do you know what happened to you, Jay? Do you know why you're here?"

"No, I… I don't remember."

"You were in a car accident. You came in last night." Will paused before deciding on telling Jay the truth. "It's 2021, Jay."

Jay's eyes went vacant as Erin felt her whole world falling apart. Will turned to her specifically and all she could hear was his voice from the previous night. _He should be fine._

"I'm gonna get a neuro consult. We'll do a head CT. We'll figure this out."

She nodded, watching as he stormed from the room, and left them again in silence. Hank shuffled his feet, Mouse hung his head.

"So… I'm six years behind?" Jay said with a scoff, but there was desperation in his eyes. Nobody spoke, the tension became palpable. "Someone talk to me! Tell me what I'm missing!"

He exhaled deeply, looking down at his hand. He twisted the ring, squinting at it. Then a thought came to mind, one that shook him to his core.

"That little girl…"

Erin locked eyes with him, her lower lip trembling. It was always in the back of her mind how she'd have to explain to her daughter where babies came from, why she worked more than most moms, why she didn't have a full set of grandparents like the other kids… She never thought she'd have to explain to Jay who his daughter was.

"Erin." If she closed her eyes, she could pretend that the person saying her name was the same person she knew two days ago.

"She's our daughter."

His hand ran across his mouth, then up and against his forehead. She could only hear him breathing - living, she tried to remind herself. He was living. He was there, in front of her, living. But positive thoughts only evaporated from her head.

"This can't be happening." Jay murmured. "How… How can I forget I had a kid? How old…"

"She's four." Erin said, her voice barely a whisper. "She's called Lucy. Her middle name's Olivia. After your mom. She has blue eyes and brown hair and she's the best thing that ever happened to us, Jay."

She somehow thought if she'd relay everything then his entire world would just snap back into focus. But all it did was make his eyes glassy and deflate everything inside of him.

She was back at his side, looking at him, begging with him, to know their life. "You really don't remember her?" She asked, her voice breaking.

The door opened again before he could break her heart all over again. Will walked in with the neurosurgeon and Erin quickly wiped the tears on her cheek off with the back of her hand. She sniffed and took a step back.

"This is Dr. Findlay, head of neurology." Will introduced him to the group. Findlay shook hands with Hank, Kim, Mouse and finally Erin.

"Nice to meet you all, despite the unfortunate circumstances." He moved to Jay's side. "Can you tell me your full name, sir?" He asked as he checked Jay's pupils.

"Jay Halstead."

"A detective, I hear. Very impressive." Jay couldn't bring himself to respond to that. "And can you tell me the year?"

"Apparently it's 2021." Jay said, unable to maintain eye contact with anyone.

"But to you?"

He hesitated. "2015."

"What's the last thing you remember before your accident?" Findlay asked, arms folded across his chest.

"Uh… I don't know, it's fuzzy." He forced his eyes closed, trying to think back through the foggy haze. "Maybe… Leaving work?"

"Oh, yeah? Can you remember the case?"

The pieced together the fragments in his head, trying to form coherency. As he arranged and rearranged the puzzle pieces of memory it slowly came back to him.

"It was the, uh… It was… Oh, yeah, Jackson Cortez."

Silence ensued as Erin hung her head. She knew that case, vaguely albeit, but well enough to understand that it wasn't a recent one. Findlay looked solemnly at Voight for confirmation, and he gave it in the form of a gentle nod. 2015 indeed.

Findlay forced a smile. "Memory loss is very common among patients, so at this stage we just have to take certain precautions. I'm going to order a head CT and we'll see what we're working with."

As Dr. Findlay left, Erin chased him out of the room, only speaking when the door was firmly shut and she could see, through the glass slit, that Jay was preoccupied.

"Dr. Findlay." She breathed. "Tell me you can fix this, tell me… I don't know, that this is only temporary."

"It can be temporary. Often it's just a reaction of post-surgical stress and patients bounce back within a couple of hours or days. Other times…" Erin didn't need him to finish his sentence. "It alters from case to case. Let me get the CT, we'll take it from there."

* * *

The CT came back clean. A part of Erin hoped the opposite would happen - that there would be something surgically wrong with Jay that meant a couple more hours under the knife would shake them all from this cruel nightmare.

As she sat in the waiting room, eyes focused on a small spot on the concrete floor, she couldn't quite face going back in that room. Hank had taken Lucy to get something to eat and the others - Atwater, Ruzek, Burgess, Dawson and Mouse - were in that room with him. Who 'he' was, she wasn't quite sure.

After a while, Will came to her. There was nothing positive or happy between them. It was as though they shared a weight and it was anchoring them both down.

"Erin, I…" He started softly, pausing to gather his thoughts. "I think I'm gonna call my dad. I was going to after the surgery, but then it was a success so I thought I'd leave it, but now…"

"No." Erin stated. "Absolutely not."

Will looked taken aback slightly. "This isn't exactly your call."

"To hell it isn't. This," She held up her hand, showing Will the ring on her finger. "This makes it my call. This means that when times get hard, I have to make decisions for the both of us. And my answer is no."

"Respectfully, that ring doesn't mean a damn thing to Jay right now."

She wanted to slap him. She felt her hand go to strike before she controlled herself, mentally blaming it on the lack of sleep and emotional wearing of the day. But still, what he'd said struck her like a blow to the chest.

"Bringing your dad here is just going to complicate things."

"I think it's a choice Jay has the right to make right now."

"Fine. If you think it's what he wants then ask him." Erin said, hoping that Jay would have enough sense to deny his father the knowledge of what had happened.

* * *

She followed Will up to Jay's room, another solemn silence encapsulating them when she entered. All eyes were either on each other or on the floor - except Jay's. They were on her. She could see him trying to remember.

She stood against the door as Will went to his brother's side. "Listen, man… I was thinking about calling dad. Is that… Do you want me to do that?"

Jay paused, eyes flicking from his brother to Erin. She tried to keep her face neutral, to be understanding. But he sensed something there.

"Can I have a minute with Erin?" Jay said to the room.

Will lingered a second, but ultimately nodded. He then, along with everyone else in the room, filed out until it was only Erin and Jay that remained. She stood at the foot of his bed, keeping her eyes down until he finally spoke.

"I still don't speak to my dad?" He asked. She shook her head. "Why?"

She bit her lip and forced herself to look at him, and was reminded of the night he'd held her head in his hands and told her that his father would never know their daughter. She tried to fill in the gaps for him in the moment but all her words fell flat.

"Please." He said.

Finally, she sighed and slowly shuffled until she was in the chair next to the bed. "You gave him a second chance a while ago. He was holding some kind of a benefit. You didn't want to go, but I said it might give you closure, or something… Lucy was only about six months old. So we went, and… He was a jackass."

"What happened?"

Erin didn't want to go into details but his eyes were begging her. "One of his golf buddies was a judge. He recognised the name Lindsay, saw something familiar in my face and… Pieced it together. He put my dad away when I was a kid. He let it slip at the benefit who I was, and where I came from… It was a bit different than a prep-school upbringing." She tried to laugh but it barely came out. Jay was hanging onto her every word. "So, uh, at the benefit… You dad made it pretty clear that I wasn't the kind of person he thought you should be seen with."

"Then what happened?"

She gritted her teeth. It wasn't a story she necessarily wanted to retell. "You guys had an argument. You hadn't told him that we'd gotten married then, let alone that we had a daughter. So when you told him that, he freaked out, said he wanted to see her, said he had rights…"

"I haven't seen him since?" Jay asked.

Erin shook her head. "He calls every once in a while, but you don't take it."

"He doesn't know her, then?" His head moved in a nodding fashion to the right, and she knew he meant Lucy. It broke her heart a little that he hadn't said her name.

"No." She said. "You said he didn't deserve to know that part of our life."

The air hung heavy for a minute, and it dawned on Erin that she was going to have to do this for every event that he'd missed - fill him in. She was going to have to relive the pain and the memories of things she's tried to forget, and happy times that she wished he'd have remembered.

"Thank you for telling me." He said, and she could only respond with a forced smile.

"Is she still here?" He asked after a moment.

"Lucy?" He nodded. "Hank took her out for dinner, he should be bringing her back soon."

"I'd like to see her, if that's okay."

Erin wanted to scoff. He was asking permission to see his own daughter. But she couldn't bring herself to say anything other than, "Of course."

* * *

"Erin?" Hank said into his phone, fingers tapping on his steering wheel. He looked to his right to see Lucy playing with her stuffed giraffe, oblivious to the mayhem around her. "Do you want me to take her to your apartment? Or she could stay at my house tonight if that's easier…"

"Actually… Could you bring her by the hospital?"

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"No." She scoffed, sounding on the verge of tears. "I'm not sure of anything right now."

"We'll see you soon."

He ended the call, waiting a second before putting his seatbelt on and putting the car into drive. He listened to Lucy babble about George the Giraffe's adventures and chimed in where necessary. He liked the time alone he got with her, to watch the tiny combination of his two best detectives running around in flowery boots. He liked looking at her and seeing the strength of Erin.

"I miss daddy." Lucy moaned during the drive.

"Well it must be your lucky day, Lucy. We're gonna see him right now."

That got her smiling again, tucking George underneath her armpit as her legs kicked the bottom of the carseat incessantly. That very carseat had been swapped from car to car over the past 24 hours, and Hank only hoped it wouldn't be long before it was back, and would stay back, where it belonged.

They got to Chicago Med in no time. As he pulled into a parking spot, Lucy could barely contain her excitement as she tried to unclip herself from the seat. Hank rounded the car and helped her out, grabbing her hand as they made their way into the building. As the transparent double doors slid open, he watched as Erin paced in the lobby, eyes lighting up when she saw the two of them.

Hank let his grip go and watched as his pseudo-granddaughter ran towards Erin, who scooped her up in one swift motion and showered her face with kisses. She was back on the floor in a second with her hand in Erin's, raring to go to see her father again.

"Thanks for bringing her," Erin said as Hank walked up to meet her, the two of them falling into stride back up to Jay's room.

"What's the game plan?"

"I have no idea." She breathed. "Findlay said getting him back to normal would be the best shot at triggering his memory, although there's no guarantee. He might just wake up one morning and remember, or he might not." Erin ran her fingers through Lucy's tangled hair and kept her close, sad eyes watching her chatter with her stuffed animal.

"I can't tell her, right?" She asked desperately. "She's too young, she won't get it."

Hank typically revelled in Erin asking him for parenting advice - he loved knowing that even with all the years that had passed she still valued what he had to say. But this, he never dreamt he'd be giving his opinion on.

"Probably not." He admitted, watching the four year old swing the giraffe about.

"So… We'll just act like everything's normal. He might remember." The hopefulness in her tone had withered away to virtually nothing, and it pained Hank to see her, him, all of them, like this.

* * *

Outside Room 241, Erin took a second to breathe. She realised this was going to be draining on everyone except Lucy, who was ecstatic to have some structure back in her life. After a deep breath, Erin bounced down to eye level with her daughter and plastered the biggest smile she could manage across her face.

"You have to be gentle with daddy, okay? He's going to be hurt and tired so no wrestling or jumping. Got it?" Lucy nodded fervently, and so Erin opened the door.

Lucy ran towards the bed, this time nobody stopping her. Hank and Erin stepped in the room and watched as she screamed for her dad and climbed on his bed.

"Daaaaaadddy!"

"Hey!" He managed, pulling her up and onto his lap. Erin watched as he examined her features, how he physically sat there and learned the face of his daughter. Something tugged in her chest when Lucy gripped his hand and he became mesmerised by the sentiment, the image of her tiny fingers against his.

"Mama says no wrestling." Lucy said, protruding her bottom lip and earning a laugh from those in the room, who just so happened to be Kim, Adam and Antonio.

She watched her husband break out into a smile as he held onto her sides with both hands. "Aw, no wrestling, huh? Well I guess your mom's just looking out for me."

His eyes went past his daughter and landed on Erin, and she couldn't explain it but even with her deepest wishes circling her mind, she couldn't help but see something different in him. It hurt to even think it, but it was there. And as she watched Lucy squirm and bounce on Jay's lap, Erin couldn't explain how much it was going to hurt watching this all play out.

* * *

 **Please drop a review and tell me how you found this!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi there! Back with chapter five, thanks for sticking around!**

 _ **Charmita - My intention was originally to pick a case from season 2, but I decided against it because I didn't want to pinpoint this to a precise episode - I wanted just to give it a more general feel and keep it vague. So I did make up the 'Jackson Cortez' case. Thank you for asking, though!**_

 **I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

The evening came and went. Mouse reappeared and Erin gave him and Jay some time alone to chat. What about, she wasn't sure. She and Kim got coffee, repeatedly. They took Lucy with them for the 'adventure', when in reality Erin simply didn't want to overwhelm Jay when he'd only just met the person he'd co-created. Antonio offered emotional support, but without wanting to, Erin was blocking it out.

By 8:30pm, everyone became pretty subdued and it was time to start sending people home. Kim was hesitant to leave, but Erin said she'd done enough that day and needed to go and get some rest. Kevin, Mouse and Adam all got the signal to go at once, though Ruzek assured Halstead that he'd fill him in on all the precinct gossip once they got a free second. Antonio, privately and soley to Erin, said it was exhausting to watch and all he wanted was to go home and call his kids. Al said the same, leaving to call his daughters. So the few that remained were the Halstead family, if they could be called that, and Hank and.

"And then what happened?" Jay said, just as Erin snapped back into focus. He was watching Lucy with eagle eyes, animated and live. She was on his lap, facing him, just as engrossed in whatever they were discussing.

"Swiper no swiping!" She shouted, arms shaking as she rejoiced it. Jay was in a fit of laughter again, which always made Lucy laugh. Which in turn, in that moment, made Erin want to cry.

"Okay, Luce, I think it's time to go, missy." Erin said, hating to be the bad guy and break it up. She rose from the chair and stood at Halstead's bedside. "Say bye-bye to daddy."

"Bye-bye," She whispered, body curled in close. Jay, though initially hesitant, proceeded to wrap his arms around her. "Don't hurt anymore." She added afterwards.

"I'll try not to." He whispered back, sad eyes shining as Erin scooped her off the bed and onto the floor.

She grabbed Lucy's tiny purple jacket from the back of the chair and squeezed her little girl's arms into it one by one. She landed a kiss on her forehead before standing back on her feet.

"You're gonna stay with grandpa tonight, doesn't that sound like fun?"

Lucy looked from her mom to Hank. "Why not home?"

"Because daddy has a bit more resting to do before he can go home." Lucy looked finally to Jay, and her tiny cheeks creased in a smile.

"I love you, sweetie." Erin whispered. Lucy then toddled over to Hank, who led her outside. She stopped just short of the doorway and turned back to catch the kiss Erin had blew to her. She then looked at Jay and blew her own kiss.

"Bye-bye daddy." She said, just as Jay caught it.

When the door finally clicked closed, Erin breathed a sigh and fell back into one of the chairs. She rubbed her temples softly.

"I'm sorry this is such a nightmare for you." Jay said after a moments quiet, and the look on his face told Erin he truly meant it.

"It's not your fault," She reasoned. "Although, it kind of is." They both laughed at that. It sounded like home. She paused before speaking again, not sure whether it was a question she wanted to ask. "So… Looking at her, it didn't… Trigger anything?"

He shook his head, face crestfallen. "I can't believe I can be looking at her and not remember anything about her."

"We'll just take it one day at a time, okay?" Erin said, to herself and to Jay. He seemed calmed by that somehow, and that in turn calmed her. She didn't want to overwhelm him.

After a few minutes of easy silence, Jay again took to ask one of the burning questions in his head. "So, uh… Married, huh?"

Erin broke out into a smile. She leaned forward and nodded slowly. "Yeah. Five years."

"And… How do we do?"

"We kick ass. For real." She laughed, feeling herself relax slightly. "We're totally killing the marriage game."

"How did we get together?" Erin smiled again, the memory of that night was burned in her brain and refused to leave. Not that she'd ever want to forget… It was a night that changed everything. "You came onto me, right?"

Erin sat up and immediately began to protest. "Okay, technically, you made the first move. I, just… Cemented it." Jay adjusted in the bed, made himself comfortable for the story of a lifetime. "I got an offer to join the Feds and I took it. It wasn't all that it cracked up to be, though… We had a case that I called the unit in for and you and me got to talking… You reminded me that since we no longer worked together, certain rules were no longer in play."

Jay grinned. "Sounds smooth."

"Alright, yeah it was kind of smooth. So that was you making the move. And then the day just got hard: my boss was an ass, mainly. And… I wanted to see you. So I went to your apartment, and… The rest is history."

"You totally made the first move." He scoffed, to which Erin would protest against endlessly.

"You kissed me first, Jay." She told him, and saw his expression change almost immediately. It wasn't sadness, it was a kind of… Longing. And she was struck by the sorrow reminder that to him, that had never happened. He'd never kissed her first, she'd never kissed him back, they'd never intertwined their bodies and whispered into each other's skin all night. To him, it may as well have been fiction.

"So, what? Smooth sailing since then?" He asked.

"No… We lasted about a month after that night. We were sneaking around, it was fun… Then Voight got wind of what was going on, so we called it." She felt herself slowly subdue as she recalled it.

"What changed, then? With Voight, I mean."

Erin leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she held her face in her hands for a moment. Her breathing came out slow and laboured. She didn't want to relive everything but she knew that he needed to know. She rested her hands under her chin as she willed herself to keep his gaze.

"A couple of months later… Nadia died." Goosebumps formed on her skin, she could hear her heart pounding in her chest. She had given herself closure on Nadia, but that didn't mean it didn't still hurt. "She was murdered."

His face fell slack, clearly entirely unprepared to hear it. When he finally spoke up, his words came out stuttered and shaky.

"God, Erin… I'm.. I'm sorry."

She accepted the look he gave, then paused a few seconds for it to sink in. One of the things she'd learnt over the years - what Jay had taught her - was that she wasn't the only one affected by Nadia's death. But she wrapped herself up so tightly in a shawl of grief that she missed those around her mourning at the same time. Whether or not to the same degree, Jay had a bond with Nadia, too.

"It hit me really hard. I let Bunny take advantage of me because it was the easiest thing to do, and because I wanted to numb the pain for a while. I was partying like crazy. It was…" She creased her brow and stilled herself for a second. "I'm not proud of who I was then. I handed in my badge."

He blinked slowly, she watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. Even then, it baffled her how his mind could just close off from all of this.

"What brought you back?" He asked, and she was glad she could finally say it. Finally remind him of what it was between them.

"You." She said, surprising flickering across his face as she spoke the word. "Your undercover op went wrong and they kidnapped you. Al called and told me. So I came in and brought you back. And that's what brought me back."

"So you saved me?"

"You saved me plenty of times before, and after that. It's kind of what we do. Save each other." She said with a gentle smile. He threw her a smile back before looking down with a hollowness about him.

"Do you think about her much? Nadia."

"Sometimes. For a long time it was hard to let go of that guilt. But I got there eventually." She said, truly meaning every word. "So once I was back on the straight and narrow, Voight apparently told you to have my back, said he didn't care what our relationship status was. That's the closest thing to a blessing Hank was ever gonna give."

They stayed silent for a while. Erin curled her feet under her and rested her eyes for a while, all the while feeling him watching her. She tried to picture herself in his shoes, to be transported back to a time where the two of them together seemed like some distant fantasy.

"We can make this work, right?" He muttered after she'd just drifted off, hearing nothing but the sound of her breathing as a reply. He looked at her for a second longer before closing his eyes, too. It was about to be a rough couple of weeks.

* * *

Erin was woken by a shaking, softly on her arm. She squinted her eyes as she sat up in her chair, her entire body aching from being cramped in it. Will was above her, mouthing 'outside?'.

Seeing Jay fast asleep, his bruises a new shade of purple, Erin moved as silently as she could as she followed Will out of the room.

"You should go home." He said.

"I'm fine, really. If he remembers… I want to be here." Will shot her an empathetic look.

"Findlay's discharging him today."

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Already? He just had surgery."

"It's unusual but not unheard of. It's more to do with the memory loss, really." His eyes looked back into the room, glazed over a little at the sight. "The quicker he gets back into his normal routine, the more likely it all comes back to him."

Erin wasn't opposed to that in the slightest. If there was something she could do to kickstart his memory, she was sure as hell doing it.

"Go home, get a couple of hours of decent sleep, grab him a change of clothes and then pick him up later." Erin was about to object until Will jumped back in. "I'll be here all day. I'm not on shift, so I'm all Jay's."

"Okay." Erin resigned, thinking about her bed at home was most of the appeal.

"Oh and you might want to jump in the shower, too. If you've gotta make him fall in love with you again then you've got some serious work to do."

She punched his arm and watched as that classic Halstead grin appeared, the one that, if Erin looked hard enough, she could see in Lucy.

She snuck back into the room, quietly retrieving her jacket. As she held it and made to leave again, her eyes fell over her husband. She resisted the urge to run her fingers through his hair and kiss his cheek. He wasn't there yet.

* * *

Being home felt incredibly strange to Erin. As she stood under the shower head, the hot water rinsing her skin, her mind wouldn't let her forget all the times she'd been in there with Jay. The same happened when she sat on the couch or walked into her bedroom. It was all reminiscent of their life together, and everywhere she turned, there they were.

A part of her felt like maybe Jay had died. As she rifled through the bottom drawer and got him dark jeans and a black v-neck, her eyes landed on a picture of the two of the on her dresser. She had her arms strewn across his shoulders and while she looked into the camera, he was looking at her as though she was everything.

She took a second to gather herself, tried to think about how lucky she was that he was coming home. With or without his memory.

She packed his things into a black duffel, Will's words ringing through her head as she did so.

 _If you've gotta make him fall in love with you again then you've got some work to do._

It took her and Jay a while to find each other, then even longer to fit at a time where they were both ready to be what the other needed. Then their daughter came along and Erin felt like maybe, for the first time in her life, she had exactly what she needed. Now they were back at square one, with all the pieces but not knowing how to put them back together.

* * *

 **Thank you so much for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

By midday, Erin had eaten a proper meal, showered, snuck in a quick nap and picked up Lucy from daycare. She felt good, felt alive. She felt positive at the situation. And when Will called and said Jay had a consult at 5pm but would be ready to go by six, Erin felt like she was ready to take her husband home and remind him of their life together.

* * *

At 5:45, Erin pulled into the Chicago Med parking lot.

"elemenopee…"

"L, M, N, O, P." Erin corrected Lucy, watching her through the centre mirror. She had a grin on her face as her daughter kicked her legs furiously, chanting 'elemenopee, elemenopee, elemenopee!'

"You ready to get daddy?" Erin asked when unclipping the seatbelt and pulling her out of the car. She reached over Lucy and grabbed the duffel from the seat, then turned to placed her on the ground. In one motion, she locked the car, clasped her daughter's hand, and swung the duffel over her shoulder.

"And then home?" She asked.

"Uh-huh."

Erin's face erupted in a smile as her daughter's face lit up. And then suddenly it all became pretty clear. Every time she lost herself or felt like she was drowning, all she had to do was think of those small rounded cheeks, subtle dimples, crooked smile and shining blue eyes. Then everything settled inside of her like the silence after a storm.

Her feet had memorised the way to his room by now, and even Lucy had recognised the floor they were on. She raced on and Erin let her go, watching with a smile as she pushed open the door. Jay was smiling on the bed as he sat on the end of it, scooping Lucy up into his arms as she ran to him. Erin hovered in the doorway, contemplating in her head how much of his actions were to put on a show for the daughter he'd discovered yesterday and how much he genuinely wanted her in his arms.

"I got you a change of clothes." Erin told him, placing the bag on the end of his bed. She threw Will a smile - he was leaning back in the chair next to Jay's bed.

"Thanks." Jay responded, looking at Erin a little longer than he normally would.

Will hopped up from the chair and motioned for Lucy to follow him to the door. "Hey, Luce. While your dad gets ready shall we go and grab some jello from the cafeteria?"

"Before dinner?" Erin said, rolling her eyes. She couldn't say no, though. Once Lucy heard the word 'jello' she was like a wild animal.

Will threw out a grin and shot a look to Jay before he left. "You taking notes, man? You gotta get the parent talk down."

When the door swung closed, leaving just Erin and Jay, she felt the tension. Whenever someone brought up their situation, insinuating Jay was a different person than the husband she'd grown to know, she felt something in her chest tighten.

"So, uh… When we leave here…" Jay rambled softly. There was a time she'd shut him up by kissing him. Even the thought of that seemed foreign. "Do we live at your place or mine? Or somewhere else?"

"We live at my apartment." She told him. She considered, for a moment, telling him how only a month ago they'd discussed getting a house. One with a picket fence and a big, backyard. With a swing-set for Lucy and enough room that they could get a dog or two. Of how he had kissed her forehead and said he wanted to give her and Lucy everything Erin never had as a kid. But the moment passed and she knew it'd be too overwhelming.

He unpacked the bag and then held his clothes awkwardly, not quite looking at Erin. After another second she got what he meant.

"I'll just be right outside." She grimaced, leaving him to undress alone. _You're not his wife,_ she reminded herself. _You're not even his girlfriend, to him. You're just a girl he flirts with sometimes to get through the day._ Never mind the fact she'd dressed (and undressed) him plenty of times before. And that fact he'd done the same to her. But, no. Erin Lindsay was persistent and determined. She was going to make this work.

After he'd finished, he opened the door and shot her a smile. He looked down at his clothes and ran his hands across the material of his jeans.

"I have good taste." He said, despite the fact his style hadn't changed much since she'd met him. Every so often Erin would buy something for him that wasn't black, grey or navy, and every time it'd go straight to the bottom of the drawer.

"You ready?" She asked, breathing in the cologne she'd packed. It was her favourite. Husband Jay knew that. Did this Jay?

"Yeah. I just have to sign the discharge papers and Will says I'm good to go."

He gave her an easy smile, but it was a smile she'd seen before, and she knew there was fear behind it. She wanted to grab his hand, to kiss his temple and tell him she was on his side - that she'd always be on his side. But he could barely hold her gaze much less her hand, and she also knew how he dealt with things - or at least used to before the two of them vowed to lean on each other. He dealt with things alone, and now she was going to have to reassure him that she was going to try with everything she had to make this work.

They hovered awkwardly for the next ten minutes. Erin made small talk about the weather, Jay nodded and 'mmm'd at the right moments. She kept telling herself that this was the rough patch, right here. If she got him home, showed him where they lived, where they made a life together, he'd remember it all.

Will returned with Lucy, her face smeared with jello remnants but content, nonetheless. He had the papers, Jay signed on the dotted line, and just like that, it was as though the crash never happened. Will asked them to hold on for a minute while he got someone to bring the meds Jay would need, and Erin sat there while it was all explained to him.

* * *

As they strode from the hospital, the brisk wind wrapping around them, Erin tried to keep her hope steady.

"I'm guessing there's no chance of me driving in this state?" Jay attempted as he made his way towards the passenger seat.

"There's no chance of you driving in any state." Erin quipped, a glint in her eye. She walked Lucy round to Jay's side of the car and heaved their daughter into her carseat, while Jay stood awkwardly behind her.

"Do you need me to… Do anything?" He asked, watching her wrestle with the bane of her existence. Erin made a comment about the seat daily, always joked how he could get it clipped closed with one movement. But that was Jay pre-accident. Post-accident Jay didn't even know their daughter's name.

"I got it." She muttered, fighting with the contraption for another thirty seconds before she heard the sweet sound of it clicking into place.

"Yay, mama!" Lucy chanted, swinging her legs.

"'Yay mama' indeed." Erin huffed.

In a hot second she was in the drivers' seat, Jay in the passengers'. They were driving from the hospital. Jay was by her side. It was exactly what she wanted. Wasn't it?

"What do you fancy for dinner?" Erin asked, eyes swinging from the road to her right.

"Uhm… I'm… Whatever you feel like. I'm easy."

"That's what she said." Erin muttered, and she felt the subtle laughing of Jay beside her.

"Who Mama? Who said?" Lucy intervened from the backseat. She always caught the worst part of conversations. Or the best… Erin saw her as a pretty good detective one day.

"Me, sweetie. I said it."

"You're easy?" Jay mumbled, barely moving his lips. For one of the few moments in the past couple of days, Erin was laughing.

"Shut up."

"Mama, no!" Lucy started shouting. Erin merely rolled her eyes. "No shut up! No shut up!"

"You're right. Sorry, Luce."

"Tell Daddy." Lucy scowled, meeting Erin's eyes in the centre mirror.

Erin groaned and muttered, her voice low, "sorry, daddy."

"Wow." Jay revelled in it, leaning back in his seat. "An apology from Erin Lindsay. I almost forgot what that sounded like."

"Just wait til we're alone, you A-S-S." She spelled out, then checked her mirror again to see Lucy obliviously watching the traffic go by.

* * *

In the end, they stopped for Pizza a few blocks from their apartment. Erin kept the car running outside, and Jay ran in. He returned minutes later with two boxes in his grip, the smell oozing gloriously from the cardboard containers.

"Peetz!"

"Yeah, sweetie, pizza!" Erin responded, as they pulled away.

They were back at the apartment complex in five minutes, climbing the stairs that let them home. Home. The word stewed in Jay's head as he watched Erin unlocked the door. He'd been in her apartment plenty of times before - times where he'd had a bad date earlier that night and wanted some fun company, times where Hank was on the other side of the door and almost caught them. That apartment was something reminiscent of the two of them, and as she opened the door and Lucy went running in, he felt a rush of go through him. Of what, he wasn't sure.

"Jay."

He realised he was just standing there. At the sound of Erin's voice he snapped back into focus, giving her a smile as he followed her in that seemed to ease the concerned look on her face.

"Come on, daddy! Peetz!" Lucy was shouting. It took him a second to register the word 'daddy'. That was him now. He was a dad. He stood frozen for a half a second before Erin again pulled him out of it.

"Come on, Lucy, let's get the plates." Lucy tottered off to the kitchen as Erin put her hand on Jay's forearm. "Beer?"

"Sure."

Jay stood there awkwardly until he watched Lucy run over with her beaker and haul herself onto the couch, Erin hot on her tails with plates and two beers. Jay followed suit and dumped the pizzas on the coffee table, sitting on the end of the couch so Lucy was sandwiched between him and Erin.

He watched with subtle amazement as Lucy lunged at the box, flinging open the lid and attempting to dive for the pizza, all before Erin reigned her in.

"It's gonna be hot, sweetie. Here." Erin reached for a piece, tearing off the end and blowing on it for a couple of seconds. She handed it over to Lucy. "Three blows and then bite, alright?"

His eyes widened as he watched her do as Erin had said, her small face moving as she chewed, her legs swinging absently. He looked at this tiny human, half his, half Erin's, and wondered how on earth they'd managed to not screw it up.

Jay knocked the thought from his head for a second while he grabbed a piece, about to bite the end before Lucy shouted out to him.

"No! Blow! S'Hot." Lucy climbed up to eye level with Jay and extravagantly blew on his slice of pizza, her eyes closed and cheeks puffed. Jay couldn't help but smile, and past his daughter he could see Erin smiling at the sight, too.

And just like that, Jay ate his first meal with his family.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

Erin leaned back on the sofa, feeling sick from the pizza. It tasted fantastic, though, and she couldn't help but think there was a lot more to it than just the deep-pan meat feast. She looked to her left and took a swig of beer, feeling a content calmness in her heart as she watched Jay playing patty-cake with Lucy. If she closed her eyes and let sleep take her, she could almost pretend that nothing had happened. That their family was fine, that he was fine.

"Alright, missy." Erin murmured after a while. "It's bedtime."

Lucy sunk into the sofa next to Jay with her arms folded across her chest and her lips in an obvious pout. It was a tactic she tried often - Jay always said it reminded him of Erin.

"Not tired." She said crossly. Her eyes went up to Jay.

"Oh, no. Don't go making sad eyes to daddy." Erin said, getting up and wrapping her arms around Lucy. Her fingers moved rapidly as she tickled her daughter, eliciting cute burst of giggles. Hank told her once that getting her excited before bed was a bad move. She and Jay often learned that the hard way.

"Okay, say 'night."

"Night-night, daddy."

Jay reached out to her dangling foot and shook it lightly, a grin on his face. "Goodnight, Lucy."

Erin carried off Lucy to her room - Nadia's old room, she wondered if Jay remembered - and switched on the light. Plopping Lucy on the floor, Erin began lifting her dress over her head - tugging lightly when it got stuck and Lucy squealed - then removing her tights, socks and vest. She then went to the pastel pink wardrobe and pulled out two onesies.

"Kittens or Princesses?"

"Kitty! Kitty!"

The kitten-covered onesies went on Lucy and she hopped into bed, pulling the duvet up close to her chin. "Can we get kitty?" Lucy asked as Erin folded her clothes.

"No, we can't. You're allergic, Luce." Lucy's brow bunched in confusion. Erin elaborated. "Achoo!"

"Achoo!" She imitated, just before a yawn escaped her lips.

"Yeah, achoo."

"Dog?" She asked, scooting over so Erin could sit on the end of her small bed.

"Maybe." Erin whispered, tucking her in. She swept her hand across Lucy's forehead and pushed all the hairs from her vision. She kept her hand there, wanting to see the Jay in her daughter. "Who do you want tonight?"

Lucy looked over to her toy-box to see an arrangement of stuffed animals. She scrunched her face as she thought before finally settled on one. "Max!" Erin grabbed Max the Monkey and tucked him in with Lucy. "Can Daddy read me story tonight?"

"Daddy's still a little tired." She said, trying to sound understanding. "Besides, can Daddy make the best elephant noises?"

Lucy giggled at the thought of it. "No…" She admitted, watching with delight as Erin retrieved her favourite story book. And then Erin did the thing she'd missed in the past 48 hours. She read a bedtime story to her daughter.

* * *

Erin clicked the door into place as she left Lucy's room. She turned and headed back to the living room to see Jay sitting where she'd left him. He looked a little awkward, like he was invading someone else's home. She had the feeling she could remind him every hour that it was his apartment too and it still wouldn't loosen him up.

"Out like a light." Erin remarked as she sat back down on the couch. She grabbed her beer and downed the rest of it.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm leaving everything to you. I feel…"

She put her hand on his knee, watched as he stiffened for a second. "Hey, it's okay. It'll all come back to you. We just have to give it time."

He nodded, looking into her eyes. She felt her stomach do flips, like it used to when they first stated dating. If he had all his memories still intact she'd kiss him, give him everything she had, let him carry the both of them to their bedroom… But this Jay was just getting used to her putting her hand on his knee. She didn't want to freak him out.

"Actually, you know what might help…" Erin muttered to herself as she got a sudden brainwave. She got up and headed for the back closet, instantly retrieving a box filled with photos. She smiled victoriously as she brought it back, dumping it on the couch between them.

Even Jay looked optimistic at the sight of it, and the simple thought of that made her heart quicken. And soon enough, he was skimming through every photo.

"For Halloween we went as Batman and Robin?"

"Yep."

"Why were you batman?"

Erin erupted in laughter at the memory of it, and soon it became contagious. As she relayed the story, she saw tears in the corners of Jay's eyes from how hard he was laughing. The stories continued, about everything and anything.

"When was this?" Jay asked, holding a picture of him, Erin and Kim. She leaned over and got a good look at the image.

"That was Ruzek's birthday."

"I look…"

"You were wasted." Erin laughed, recalling the night. "Me and Kim had to prop you up for that photo."

Jay smiled as he looked at it. It was strange, looking at a picture of himself and yet feeling so disconnected. "Were… Were we together then?"

Erin nodded, and then paused as though she wanted to say something but hesitated. After a second she looked away and spoke noncommitently. "We got engaged the month after."

"We did?"

"Yeah." She whispered, briefly meeting his eyes. "Actually, that was the night I found the ring in your sock drawer."

Jay's brow furrowed, but he had an amused look in his eye. It made her heart ache a little, looking at the tiny, minute facial expressions she fell in love with all those years ago. He shuffled closer to her, almost unnoticeably but she caught every moment, and willed her to tell him the story. The difference between telling stories to Lucy and Jay… Jay's stories were much more interesting to tell.

"We were at Ruzek's, you got _blackout_ drunk and I was designated driver. So we went back to your place, I had to pretty much carry you upstairs, and then you passed out in bed the minute you hit the sheets. You were totally content sleeping fully dressed but I wanted to change, so I went to grab one of your old shirts. I pulled the wrong drawer by mistake, though. To my credit, it's not like I had to go digging - I saw a bit of the velvet box and got intrigued. It was beautiful - the ring. And naturally, I freaked out."

Erin looked back to Jay to a second to see him fully engrossed in her words. It made her smile.

"So I ran out, drove back home… I called Kim, who was looking after an equally drunk Adam, and told her that I found the ring. She let it slip that you'd bought it four months ago, and was worried that I'd say no so you were waiting for the right time… Kim talked me down, made me realise that I was just projecting everything I was afraid of. She made me realise that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I waited another month, thinking every time we went out for dinner or had a moment alone you were gonna ask. You never did. It made me kinda crazy. So finally, we had takeout and were on this couch… I asked if you changed your mind, if you decided that marrying me wasn't something you wanted anymore… And you gave me this smile, like you'd won this game or something, and went off to get it. You proposed in front of egg rolls and with the Blackhawks playing in the background."

"Sounds romantic." Jay half-chuckled. Erin cast her eyes over him for a brief second and wondered if, deep beneath those blue orbs and hidden somewhere within the crevices of his brain, he was internally saying the words along with her. If he was, she wasn't able to reach that part of him.

"It was." She whispered.

* * *

They sat like that a little longer: flicking through photographs and making quiet comments. Erin spoke, mostly, and Jay retained what she was telling him. By the time Erin had yawned her way into oblivion and saw the clock read 11:30pm, she knew she had to call it a night.

"I think I'm gonna…" She cast her gaze towards the door. Jay nodded understandingly. "Come in when you're done?"

"Yeah." He said.

She hovered for a second, before leaning in anyway and landing a soft kiss on his cheek, just north of the cut that was shining there. She felt a steady breath leave his frame as she did it, and felt hot under the unfamiliar gaze of him.

 _Thank you for coming back to me -_ was what she wanted to say. Instead she took the kiss on the cheek and said goodnight, taking it because it was all she had right now.

* * *

Jay ran his fingers through his hair. He flicked through pictures, faster and faster, faces blurring as he did so. Birthday parties, engagement parties, christmas dinners, thanksgiving meals… Something was screaming inside of him to just _know_ it: to recognise the chubby face of his daughter in Erin's arms, the look of Erin's face on their wedding day.

His arms quivered in a second and the photographs spiralled to the floor, fanning out in front of him. Jay fell to his knees and began picking them up - crawling over to where they'd blown. As she scooped them up, his eyes fell on Erin's - no, his and Erin's - DVD collection. His eyes widened at the unrecognisable titles.

His eyes ran across the length of the collection until he found a minimalistic case - plain white with his handwriting scrawled across the spine. Intrigue caused his hand to reach out, to pull out the case and turn it over to see the front.

He saw a picture of him in a tux and Erin in a white dress in his arms. The words, 'The Best Day' stared up at him. He found himself removing the disc, pressing it into the player and sitting back on the sofa.

The screen crackled to life and the image twisted as the camera holding became wobbly. But Jay could make it out, still. If someone told him that he would have his wedding in the garden of some stately home, he would've laughed. But as he watched Adam fix his tie, Atwater sway with his hands in his pockets, and saw his own eyes darting nervously across the green, he could see just how real it all was.

"Diego. Hold it steady, buddy." He could hear Antonio shout from somewhere behind the camera. Diego steadied it in his hands and Jay watched himself come into focus.

The image zoomed out and the scene unfolded. A small arrangement of picket white chairs and arrangements of hibiscuses created a centred aisle leading up to the twisted white archway, where Jay stood. The camera came closer and Jay, sitting on the couch, felt his heart quicken.

"You sure about this?" Ruzek asked, a grin enveloping his face. "It's not too late to run, y'know."

"Shut up." Jay scoffed.

"Voight as a father-in-law? That's enough to send any groom running."

The pixelated image crackled as Diego spun the camera round. Jay thought he was about to get a glimpse of Erin in the wedding dress, the piece to make all of this real. But before the camera could focus on the TV, a tiny voice broke through the night.

"Daddy?" Lucy murmured, her voice hoarse from sleep.

Jay faltered, hitting pause on the remote and mentally cursing for waking her up. He plastered a smile across his face and spoke in a hushed voice.

"Hey, Lucy. Did I wake you up?"

"Can't sleep." She grumbled, making her way over to the sofa with a stuffed toy in tow. Jay's eyes went nervously to Erin's bedroom door. She'd had a rough day, though not directly his fault but because of him. He didn't want to wake her. And some stupid egotistical part of him was yelling that he could put his own daughter to bed.

He tried to murmur something parental but the words got stuck in his throat, knowing they were unfamiliar. Instead he watched with caution as Lucy crawled her way next to him, tucking herself into his side. With all the effort he could muster, he wrapped an arm around her and held her close. Here she was, half of him, an entity of pure goodness that he'd raised and cared for. Allegedly. He sank closer into her and tried desperately to recall something - anything - about his daughter. Soon enough, a headache formed. And a little later, the two of them had sunken into such a sleep that thoughts evaded them.

* * *

Erin awoke the next morning feeling refreshed. She was in her bed. She had her family back. Well, sort of. As her eyes fluttered open, she felt her heart stutter at the empty space next to her. She swallowed hard before sliding out of the bed and heading to the living room without wasting a second. A part of her thought she might've dreamed the whole discharge, a weight tugging in her stomach. But then her eyes found the couch with Jay and Lucy tucked close together and she could finally breathe.

The mother in her - as bizarre as it still seemed after all these years - thought about how Lucy would be whining that night to sleep tucked into his side again, and how much of a pain it would be to get to her stay in her own bed. But the young detective, madly in love with her partner and madly afraid of losing him, couldn't do anything but exhale the worry that had made a home inside of her.

Erin made herself coffee, took the quiet moments of the morning to call Hank and tell her everything was going well. He told her not to bother coming in that morning, to take the day to settle back into things, for which she was grateful.

By the time she'd made Lucy's porridge and poured Jay a mug of coffee, the two were still sound asleep. She hovered above them, trying not to have too crazy a smile on her face, and softly whispered Jay's name.

He stirred slowly, eyes gradually opened until they met hers. He blinked a few times before looking down at his side and shifted a little at the weight of his daughter in his arms.

Erin sank down to her knees and gentle woke Lucy, pushing back her messy hair and fluttering small kisses across her pink cheeks. When she took her daughter in her arms and placed her on her lap in the single chair, she let out a soft chuckle as Jay awkwardly stretched out the cramp in his limbs.

"I got you some coffee." Erin said, eyes flicking to the mug on the table in front of him.

"Mmm… Thank you." He replied, sleepy eyes landing on the beveridge that his hands soon chased.

Erin then began aeroplane-scooping spoonfuls of warm porridge into Lucy's mouth, most of which became smeared across the two of them.

Erin awkwardly cleared her throat. "You never came to bed last night." She tried to hide whatever pathetic tone she was putting out there.

"Yeah, I, uh… I was looking through stuff. I was trying to, I don't know… Recognise something."

She bit her lip. "Did you?"

Jay dropped his gaze a little and sipped from his coffee. He shook his head softly, and she accepted his answer with a gulp. She knew it wouldn't come that easy, but still a part of her had hoped. She shook off whatever disappointment was evident on her face and hit the button on the remote. She and Jay sat in silence while Peppa Pig jumped in muddy puddles and Lucy ate her porridge.

After he'd finished sipping his coffee and Lucy had half her breakfast caked around her face, Jay excused himself to shower. He locked the bathroom door behind him and stood in front of the sink for a few moments. His eyes watched himself in the mirror, swallowing at the sight. His face was a little bruised and beaten but what got him the most were the lines on his face, the subtle aging that had taken over.

He looked around the bathroom - the bathroom he'd been in before - and frowned at the domestication of it all. The three toothbrushes lined up, all ascending in size, the Nemo washcloth, the Dora the Explorer toothpaste. It all glared at him, willing him to be the father that he used to be.

Jay stepped into the shower and let the hot water run off his skin. The heat burned at some of his unhealed cuts, but it soothed the aching muscles beneath the bruises. If he closed his eyes, let his mind wash of all the stress and pain and confusion, he could truly believe it was 2015 again, and his biggest responsibility was paying for his round at Molly's.

Erin bunched Lucy's hair in her hands and gentle pulled it through to make a neat ponytail. She pulled at the hot pink tie on her wrist and secured her daughter's mousy-brown hair. It was the same shade as Jay's - a similar texture too. As she thought about it, her eyes drifted to the bathroom door.

"Go and grab your shoes, sweetie." She said to Lucy as she kissed the crown of her head. She watched her run off to her room before making her way over to the bathroom. She tapped gentle on the door.

"Jay? Is everything okay in there?"

She heard the sound of running water stop and his voice call out to her. "Uh… Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine."

She stood there a second longer, her hand even reaching the knob. She stopped herself at just the last second, however, realising that she was going to have to learn how to establish some privacy between them.

"Momma!" Lucy shouted, running back out with her shoes in hand.

"Good choice, baby." Erin said, looking at the pink shoes. "Hey, if you put them on yourself, you can have a cookie before daycare!" Lucy squealed at that, running off to the couch to begin her challenge.

At that moment, the bathroom door opened, steam seeping out instantly. Erin took a step back to give herself some room from Jay's shirtless torso, eyes going to the towel wrapped around his waist. She felt herself flush - it was reminiscent of the days back before they dated, when she got a glimpse of his chest in the locker room and had to look away to stop her cheeks from reddening at the sight.

She smiled awkwardly and stepped away again, letting Jay make his way out of the bathroom. As he rounded the couch, Lucy called out to him.

"Look, daddy! Look!" She held out her foot with the shoe secured on.

"That's great, Lucy! Good job."

Erin smiled at the sight, watching with longing as Jay made his way to the bedroom. She followed a moment later, after pressing a kiss to Lucy's head and telling her she'd be right back. In the bedroom, she found Jay looking between drawers, the muscles in his back straining as he leaned over.

"Bottom drawer." She said, crossing the room and pulling open the bottom one. She looked up to see Jay close to her, and felt a shiver take over her. She missed touching him. From below him she could see the moving of his Adam's apple as he swallowed, felt the intensity of his eyes.

What could be construed as heat then turned slowly to awkwardness as Erin realised she needed to leave to give him privacy to change. As she went to awkwardly leave, she felt herself - in a moment of desperation - incessant to tell him that they were married. She wanted to recap all the moments she'd seen him naked, and he her. She wanted to tell him she missed him, for whatever it was worth. But before she could open her mouth and plummet them both into discomfort and awkwardness, she saw the glimmering of his ring in the early morning sunlight. There it was - the reminder of their marriage - on his finger for him to see every day. She didn't need to remind him, he had that reminder pressed against his skin.

* * *

Erin had taken Lucy to daycare, a cookie in hand for her success, and carried on to the precinct. She'd told Jay she would only be twenty minutes and had a few to spare. There was something about going back to her apartment, sitting with him, having to tell him every single thing that happened between them, that was sad to her. It didn't make her nostalgic or grateful, it made her heart ache that she should ever have to explain such important details to him.

She pulled onto the car park and headed into the precinct, smiling politely at officers as she passed them.

"Detective. Good morning." Platt seemed to yell from her desk. Erin forced a smile and offered a slight wave.

She buzzed herself up, climbing the stairs and taking in the workplace. It felt different. Everything did. She maybe wondered if there was always going to be this divide: Before the accident and after.

"Hey, look who it is." Antonio was the first to say, putting his hand on Erin's shoulder as she passed him.

"Came to help with the paperwork?" Adam asked, hopeful.

Erin snorted at him. "You wish."

"Well the least you could've done is brought Halstead. If a little memory loss is all you need to get out of this then sign me up."

She knew he didn't mean it. She knew it was a joke. But she still felt her face fall and her stomach plummet a little. The room dropped to a silence, and she immediately saw the apology on his face.

"I didn't mean…"

"I know." She said, solid. She forced a smile.

Thankfully, Hank's voice came next. "My office, kid."

She slid into Voight's office and thankfully started to hear the gentle chatter of her co-workers again. What everyone needed was normalcy.

"So." Hank sat in his chair, Erin on the opposite across the desk. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good." She breathed with a sigh.

"Erin." He looked at her like she was sixteen again. "It's me."

She felt weak all of a sudden. Her hands shook and she tried to steady them. "I'm trying to stay optimistic."

"How is he?"

"Overwhelmed." She said. "He's suddenly a husband and a father without any recollection of it. And I'm trying to help, but…"

"How's Lucy?" He was starting to sound like a therapist. But she didn't mind.

"Clueless." Erin laughed, before it turned to silence. "I'm scared, Hank. What if he doesn't remember and what if she realises it? What if she twigs onto the fact he's not the same person anymore?"

"He's the same person, Erin." Hank said softly.

But as she looked into Hank's eyes and thought back to the stranger living in her apartment, she wasn't so sure of that.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

She headed back to the apartment, pushing open the door with her biggest forced smile of the day. As she stepped inside the threshold, she saw Jay on the sofa. He was flicking through the pictures from last night, but looked up when he heard the sound of the door.

"Hey." He said, giving her that boyish smile from all those years ago. He was wearing dark jeans and a black v-neck - pretty much a staple of his wardrobe.

"Hey." Erin responded, taking her coat from her frame and hanging it up. "Whatcha looking at?"

Jay flashed her the photo as she walked nearer, finally taking a seat next to him on the couch. The image showed Erin, messy-haired and exhausted, and a newborn Lucy in her arms. She smiled as she took it by the edges - it had been a while since she'd seen it.

"Not my best look." Jay chuckled, flashing Erin an image from the same day. It was him, bearded, scruffy and sleep deprived in the hospital.

"I always liked the beard on you." Erin said, reaching for more photos.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There was a glint in his eye, something sexual she could tell. The look was cast away in a second, though, and he turned his attention back to the pictures.

"How much did she weigh?"

"Five and a half pounds." Erin responded. "She was tiny."

"Wow…" He mused, taking it in. She watched his eyes trace photo after photo, his brow hunching as she watched the questions form in his head.

"How did we…. I mean, why did we…" He rambled, finally meeting Erin's gaze.

"It wasn't… Planned. And we did consider the… Options." She eventually said, pausing between every difficult word. It was hard to remember a time where she wasn't a mother - where Jay wasn't a father. "Granted, I considered them more than you did."

"What changed your mind?" He whispered. Erin became suddenly aware of how close they were.

She let out a slow breath. "You did. You made me realise there was nothing to be afraid of. That I wasn't my mom."

Jay gave her a look of strength before looking away and offering a snort. "So we didn't turn into our parents, then?"

Erin felt her heart thudding. Jay had told her before that becoming his father was a concern of his, and she could see it there, plain as anything on his face. Without really thinking Erin reached out to put her hand atop of his, pressed against his knee as she threaded her fingers through the spaces between his. She squeezed softly, even as he looked at her with what she guessed was mild discomfort, and let out a sigh.

"We are not our parents."

In any other circumstances, Erin was certain that Husband Jay would kiss her forehead and they'd stay like that for a while. But as the seconds passed and this Jay failed to react to her skin at all, she pulled away and stood up, arms folded across her chest.

"So what do you feel like doing today?"

"I don't know… What do we normally do?"

"Work." She replied. She knew getting him back into the swing of their normal routine was the best thing but since Jay's accident had granted him time off and Voight had demanded Erin take time off too, that was a no-go.

"What if we went to the site?" Jay asked after a second. "The site of the crash."

"Why?"

"It might help me remember… Maybe piece things together." He sensed Erin's body language and changed his mind. "Actually, forget it. Stupid idea."

"No, no." Erin immediately chimed in. She was supposed to be supporting him, making him feel like he could trust her as much as he should. She didn't want to let her fear of confrontation affect that. "It's a great idea. Let's go."

* * *

"Have you spoken to Will?" Erin asked as they drove. She needed to fill the silence.

"Yeah. He called when you were out."

"Good." She tapped the steering wheel. "Mouse?"

"A few texts. He wants to meet up later for a drink."

"Okay."

"Unless you want me to…" He didn't finish the sentence, for which Erin was grateful. Him asking for full permission to go out with his friend would be too depressing to hear. _He doesn't know the ins and outs of a marriage,_ She reminded herself.

"No, it's fine. It'll be good, actually. I'm a little worried about him. It'll be nice for you two to hang out." She rambled. "Did you take your meds this morning?"

"Yeah."

They spoke in broken fragments of conversations all the way to the site. As they pulled onto the street, marked off with police cones and tape until the road would be properly cleaned and repaired, Erin felt an ominous thudding in her chest. The car rolled to a stop and she chewed her lip nervously.

"You sure you wanna do this?" She asked, turning to Jay. A big part of her, more than she'd like to admit, was waiting for him to say no. She kept the ignition on just in case.

But he nodded and pushed open his door, giving her a few seconds to pull herself together and join him as he walked slowly towards the debris. Thankfully his car, battered and broken as it was, had been towed the day before - if she had to see the wreckage she thought she might not be able to stop her knees from buckling. So instead, the two of them scanned their eyes across the road, laced with broken glass and skid marks.

Erin watched Jay cautiously as he looked at it all with distain, turning round to see the next piece of tragedy. His shoes crunched on glass as he walked slowly, his eyes far away from where they were.

"Jay?" Erin asked, worried for a moment. He was distant and foggy. It was a look she'd seen before from a time that made her heart plummet.

In a split second, and following the sound of a car backfiring that sounded conspicuously like a gun firing, she watched him shudder and look around startled. She hadn't seen that panicked look in his eyes for years.

"Hey, it's okay." She grabbed him by his jacket, pulling his focus to her. That's what the doctor had told her: _'Get his mind off the trigger and onto you. Speak to him. Let him hear your voice.'_

"It was just a car backfiring. Look at me. It wasn't a gun, Jay. Okay? You're safe."

His lip trembled as he nodded, and this time she couldn't help herself. She flung her arms around his shoulders and pressed her body as tightly to hers as would fit. She felt the thudding of his heart. She felt his staggered breath in her hair. She didn't count the passing moments but it felt like forever until she finally let go.

"Come on, let's get outta here. That's enough for today."

And Jay wasn't about to argue.

* * *

They went for burgers, and Erin tried her damn hardest not to think about what had escalated at the scene. It was normal to feel some trauma at the scene of a major accident, she knew that. But there was a nagging in the back of her mind, telling her to revisit all she and Jay had went through with his PTSD. It was hell for her to deal with, so she could only imagine what it was like for Jay. She didn't want them to have to go through that again.

"A new Star Wars?" Jay asked dubiously, taking a hearty bite from his burger. Erin nodded, shovelling a few fries into her mouth.

"You made me go to the midnight showing with you." She scoffed. "You've tried every couple of months since Lucy could speak to show her the series, but unless it has a talking pig or a Spanish explorer, she's not interested."

Jay smiled, his cheeks full and filled with life. It made Erin feel comforted and reassured. Like maybe her family would be alright after all.

He seemed to awkwardly pause for a second, chewing longer and taking a moment to meet her gaze. "Thank you. For… Being patient with me."

She smiled at him. "You'd do the same for me."

His eyes lingered on hers a moment more, and it made her skin burn like fire. Because she could feel him wanting her. It was a feeling that would never cease to make her feel alive.

* * *

 **So this was a relatively short chapter but the next one I have will more than make up for it in length! (It has also been my favourite to write!) I'll update as soon as I can. Thank you for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey there! Thank you to everyone reading this for sticking with this story, I'm truly grateful!**

 ** _Charmita_ \- Your review stuck out to me with how similar our minds work. With what I've already written, I think you'll be pleased ;)**

 **I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

They stayed in the diner far longer than intended. They talked for hours, and Erin had to admit that it was nice. It wasn't about what was for dinner or whose turn it was to do laundry. It was about them. About Erin. About Jay. It made her feel like herself again, not just the mother she'd morphed into. She loved being a mother, more than anything she'd ever experienced, but it was nice that afternoon to be reminded that she was Erin Lindsay before anything else.

It was a little before daycare was over, but Erin didn't feel like hanging around. Jay seemed eager to pick up his daughter, too, and Erin didn't want to delay that feeling for a single second.

Walking out of Sunshine Daycare with Lucy's one hand in her's, the other in Jay's made Erin feel free. It made her feel like she could breathe again.

The happiness radiated from Lucy's face - it wasn't often that even she or Jay picked her up, much less both of them. Depending on the pace of the day, one would either quickly swing by when the case went quiet or, more frequently, send Mouse or maybe Kim to pick her up. But today was a day for the Halsteads.

"Park, daddy?" Lucy inquired, looking up to Jay. His eyes went across to Erin, for what she assumed was permission. That was something she was going to have to get used to. She nodded and couldn't help the smile that unfurled across her lips.

"I think the park sounds great."

* * *

Erin watched from the edge of the park, the beaming smile never leaving her face. She watched Jay chase around their daughter, her cheeks pink and full and stretched from smiling. The air was fairly cold but she didn't feel it - none of them did.

Jay looked anything but cold. He looked alive. He looked happy.

It was as though Erin was finally seeing the person she married; the person she'd grown with to become a parent. Though he'd always be the smartass partner with the good heart and boyish charm, her heart bursted with pride to watch him be the good-natured father she'd watched him become.

 _They sat in the sun in mid-June, a warm breeze blowing over them while the sound of traffic and laughter and summer filled their ears._

 _Jay sat with his legs extended, leaning back on his hands as he watched Erin next to Lucy. The former was blowing bubbles that got caught by the wind and fluttered all around. She smiled and reached sloppily for them. At ten months old, her balance was wavering but she was slowly getting there._

 _"Get 'em, Luce!" Jay encouraged, squinting from the sun. He took in the warmth of the rays, knowing a day in the sun in Chicago was something to be savoured._

 _Erin chuckled as Lucy popped a bubble and wobbled around enthusiastically, reaching out to make sure she didn't fall backwards._

 _"Here, sweetie, you try." Erin said, holding out the stick coated in bubble mixture._

 _It took many attempts - several instances of Erin and Jay replicating the movement - but Lucy finally spluttered enough air to create a bubble._

 _They erupted in cheers, and both realised that perfect days did exist._

When the two of them were worn out, they walked back to Erin and the three of them headed back to the car. Jay insisted on helping with the carseat and, like always, he got it in a second. His face broke out in a smile of accomplishment and once again, it took Erin everything she had to not kiss him.

Once driving home, Erin subtly watched with intrigue as Jay pulled out his phone and dialled a number. After a few seconds of talking, she realised it was Mouse on the other end.

"…Anyway, man, can I call a rain check on tonight? Okay. Alright, thanks, man. Yeah. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

Jay casually slipped his phone back in his pocket and looked straight ahead, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He suppressed the smile even further when Erin's eyes landed on him, filled with nothing but love.

"Mac and cheese for dinner?" She asked coyly.

"Sounds great."

* * *

The mac and cheese was great, Jay had to admit. He'd cleared his plate, as had Erin, and now they were just waiting on Lucy. Their daughter. His daughter, Jay had to often remind himself. He sometimes saw his father's nose on her - the same one he and Will had. He could definitely see Erin's jaw on her, sharp and angular enough to cut glass.

"I guess you don't want ice-cream, then, huh?" Erin wondered aloud.

Lucy protested instantly. She pouted and released her tiny, four-year-old anger out in waves. "I want ice-cream!"

Erin sucked in a breath, giving her daughter a stern, serious look. "Well, you'd better finish up your dinner, then."

"It's too much!" Lucy shouted, leaning back in the chair and scowling. Jay couldn't help but laugh, seeing Erin's temperament in her. It was amazing, when he thought about it. How he could still remember the first time he saw Detective Lindsay, fresh faced and beautiful, and now just to his left was her daughter. Their daughter.

"Don't encourage her." Erin remarked, but the smile on her face told Jay it was fine. He held her gaze for a minute longer. The pounding in his chest at a single look she could give him was just as fierce as the day he'd met her. He wondered if she'd always have that power over him.

Jay edged towards his daughter. "Oh, come on, Lucy. That's nothing! Two more bites." He said, not sure where the parental nature had risen from. He felt Erin's proud eyes on him as he lifted the minuscule knife and fork. He piled on the food and lifted it to Lucy's mouth, which immediately incited a reaction in her.

"No, daddy! Air-plane! Air-plane!"

His confidence faltered a little. The old him had routines with his daughter; patterns and routines. It was naive of him to think he could just start again from scratch.

"Daddy's only gonna do the aeroplane if you're a good girl." Erin said, saving him for the moment. "No more shouting, got it?"

Lucy nodded her head vehemently, shining eyes on Jay. It was strange, he thought as he flew the fork through the air and into her small mouth, how much admiration she looked at him with. He'd never had that before.

After the second bite, Lucy erupted in joy. Her hands clapped and she began chanting something akin to 'ice-cream, ice-cream, ice-cream!'. Jay laughed, eyes finding Erin's. Feeding two forkfuls of food into his daughters mouth was nothing really, but still, he saw it as a great accomplishment. And he knew Erin did, too.

"I guess it's time for ice-cream, then." Erin said, moving to stand up. Jay stopped her, instead insisting.

"I can get it." He said. "More wine?"

Erin nodded, something loving behind her smile. If Jay took out the absurdity of it all, he could pretend that this was after Hank had given his blessing. He could pretend that this was his and Erin's first date. The thought made his chest flutter.

He rounded the kitchen counter and headed first for the freezer. He grabbed the ice-cream and next went in search of bowls. His confidence floundered again as he began opening and closing each cupboard within reach.

"Above the stove." Erin called from round the corner, seeming to know him even without having her eyes on him. Jay reached for the cupboard and retrieved a Dora the Explorer bowl. He heartily put in two generous scoops before returning to ice-cream to the freezer and next went in search of wine.

Luckily that wasn't so hidden, instead sitting on the counter top. With the wine in hand, and as he turned to pick up the bowl, everything happened at once. He never understood PTSD, but the thing he always knew was that it was unpredictable.

It was a smashed plate - or maybe glass. The sound didn't feel like it was in a Chicago apartment, though. The instant her heard the shattering, he was in Afghanistan. Heavy fire rained in on their base. Glass spewed around him. He hit the floor and tucked his head into the corner of his elbow, trying to shield his eyes. The heat was unfathomable. He could taste blood in his mouth. All he could hear was white noise.

* * *

"Oh, shoot." Erin murmured as Lucy knocked over her wine glass. The 'oh shoot' then only emphasised in her head when she heard another shattering, coming from where Jay was.

"Jay?" She called as she lifted Lucy over to the couch, propping her against the cushions. She murmured a quick, "don't move sweetie", before heading back over to the table and kneeling to retrieve some of the large shards of glass. More seconds passed without a reply and she felt worry settle in her stomach.

As she made her way round and into the kitchen, her knees almost gave out. Jay was on the floor, softly shaking, his head tucked into the crook of his elbow. She had just enough time to drop the glass on the counter before dropping to his side.

"Jay?! Jay!" She shook him, rolled him over to his back. "Look at me, Jay." The minute his eyes opened, she watched as he came down from the trauma.

"It's okay." She whispered. "It was just a glass. You're fine."

He nodded shakily, propping himself up against the drawers. He breathed slow for a moment, in which Erin kept her hands on him, needing to know he was alright.

"You're bleeding." She said after a few seconds, noting a cut on his forearm. Though not deep, it was trailing blood further down his arm.

He twisted his arm and looked at the wound. His breathing had almost normalised at this point, but he still sat for another few seconds. When he finally got up, he murmured he'd "be right back", and headed to the bathroom.

Erin sighed into her hands from her kitchen floor, surrounded by wine and glass. She quickly grabbed some kitchen towels and mopped up as much of the wine as she could, before grabbing the dustpan and brush and sweeping up the glass. As she did so, she forced herself to think of this only as a side-effect of the stress of everything. _It wasn't PTSD. It wasn't PTSD._

She headed out of the kitchen and kneeled by the table, sweeping up the remnants of glass from Lucy's mishap this time.

"Where's ice-cream, mama?" Lucy wondered aloud from the couch.

"Oh, right. I'll go and get it." Erin said. As she emptied the glass into the trash and picked up Lucy's bowl from the side, she felt herself come down a little from the panic of it all. She even managed to plaster a smile on her face as she propped the bowl on Lucy's lap and turned on the kids channel to Dora the Explorer - a perfect distraction for Lucy.

After waiting a little while, wanting to give him room, Erin found herself at the bathroom door. She knocked gently for courtesy before turning the knob and letting herself in.

"Are you okay?" She asked hesitantly. He was by the sink, hunched over so the muscles in his back flexed. His shirt was off - she saw it over the side of the bathtub, the white material stained a purple colour from the wine.

"I don't know what happened." He said, voice shaky.

"Hey, it's okay. Things are still pretty new… You just had surgery, there's a lot of stress here. You just got… Overwhelmed." Erin gulped, taking a step closer. She wanted to touch him. More than anything, she wanted to feel her hands on him and know that he was real. That he was still here, that he was still her's.

"How's your arm?"

He turned to face her and lifted his forearm, revealing the thin cut. The bleeding had stopped and it might not even scar. She managed a smile. That was before she let her eyes roam the rest of his chest, taking in the purple and dark green hues of his battered body. Bruises were splattered across his skin like a canvas and it ached for her to look at it.

With him facing her, Erin took advantage of the space and walked into him, wrapping her arms around his large frame. To her surprise, he wasn't rigid or uncomfortable; instead, he seemed to melt into her arms as though he needed her touch as much as she needed his.

Her face was buried in his neck. She inhaled the sweet smell of his cologne and got swept up in the moment. She needed him. Erin placed soft, feathery kisses across his neck, making her way up to his jaw. She leaned on her toes to reach him and kissed along his cheek. She missed the sensation of having him so close, of touching him like she used to. She kissed him once, a little harder than the others, on his lips, and felt the stress melt away inside of her.

She hovered there for a moment longer, knowing it was wrong to take advantage of him like this. The person in front of her, to him, wasn't her husband - they weren't even dating. However as she loosened her arms around his neck and proceeded to step away, she felt him surge forward and kiss her with such determination that she almost lost her footing. She was steadied as he back hit the wall, his body pressing her further into it.

He felt so familiar like this; with his lips pressed against hers. Erin let her hands roam the curves of his torso, to feel the sharp lines of his sculpted body. She felt her breath quiver as his hands dipped beneath her shirt, caressing the skin on her waist and sides. He brought one hand up to the side of her face and gently held her jaw in place while his lips did the work. His tongue gradually found hers and, at the point it did, Erin's entire body felt on fire. She felt like they were sneaking around again, tasting each other like the world was about to end.

She was seconds away from reaching for the button on his jeans, a movement interrupted by a small voice on the other side of the door.

"Can I have more ice-cream, mama?" Lucy inquired.

She felt jay laugh against her lips and, in turn, she felt herself vibrate in laughter, too. He stepped back to give her a little room but she was yet to take her hands off him.

"No, Luce. Two scoops is enough."

A tantrum began to erupt outside. "I want more! I want more!" Lucy shouted.

Erin rolled her eyes, finally pulling her hands from Jay's body to straighten her hair and pull down her shirt a little from where Jay had rolled it up. When she looked back up and her eyes met his, she didn't know what to say. He didn't either, so instead they just burst into childlike grins like a couple of teenagers who had just gotten caught.

* * *

They were on the sofa, Lucy squashed between Erin and Jay barely able to keep her eyes open. Erin felt truly at peace in that moment, the taste of Jay still on her lips and her daughter half asleep at her side. When she and Jay talked about what their family would be like, this was what she saw: the three of them on the couch at night, watching TV and being truly content at their world.

"I think someone's ready for bed." Erin whispered, softly brushing Lucy's hair back from her face. She pressed a soft kiss to her head and moved to pick her up, before the little girl's quiet voice murmured through the air.

"Daddy, you take me. Daddy's turn for stories." She whispered, mid-yawn. Back before the accident, Erin and Jay would turn this into a competition, the person who Lucy picked feeling a small victory and boasting to the other about it all night. But in that moment, Erin didn't care. She was so at peace with the evening that Lucy picking Jay brought a grin to her face.

Lucy curled into Jay's side and he proposed a counter-argument. "How about both of us?" His eyes flickered to Erin, the heat from earlier still burning in the space between them.

Lucy vocalised her liking of that proposal and within three seconds, Jay was picking up his daughter and Erin was following them into her room. Lucy clung to Jay like a monkey to a branch, the sight hilarious to both him and Lindsay.

As he put her down in the bed, his eyes scanned the room for her pyjamas. Erin watched the momentary discomfort in his eyes as unawareness swept through him, so she made a point to walk over to the dresser and go to the bottom drawer. As she did so, he shot her a grateful look.

"Butterflies or dinosaurs?" Erin asked gently from across the room.

"Daddy likes dine-saurs." Lucy said, barely keeping herself upright.

"That's right." Jay whispered, kneeling down to undress Lucy. Erin draped the dinosaur onesie over his shoulder and took a step back, watching with adoration at the care and control he used to manoeuvre their sleepy daughter into pyjamas. Once completed, he carefully lifted back the duvet and let her wriggle into the bed.

"Can we get a dog, daddy?" Lucy said, mid-yawn.

"A dog? I don't know… What kind of dog do you want?"

"Big one!"

"A big one?! If we have a big one, he'll have to sleep in your bed!"

"No! Silly daddy!" Lucy squealed with the last bit of energy she had. "Mama, what dog?"

Erin made her way over to them and perched on the end of Lucy's bed. "Ooh, that's a tough one. What about a pink one? With white and purple stripes?"

Lucy eyes were fluttering closed but she still managed to giggle. "Mama silly, too!"

Erin let out a chuckle, as did Jay, as they leaned over their perfect daughter. Their eyes locked for a minute, proud and in love at the family they'd made.

Jay leaned back on his heels for a second. "Alright. What story is it tonight, then?"

* * *

Erin was last out of the room, gently closing Lucy's door. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding, and found herself unable to remove the smile on her face.

"That was…" Jay breathed from across the room. "That was amazing. She's amazing."

"I know." Erin agreed, the smile only growing as she padded her way across the room. "It's hard to believe we made something that perfect."

Jay had said that once, a couple weeks after she was born.

 _"I mean, look at how tiny she is." He cooed, smiling down at her in his arms. He was in bed, the Sunday morning sun gently rising just outside their window. It was cold out there, but the warmth of their bed was undeniable._

 _Erin curled against his side, eyes blinking tiredly as she looked down at Lucy's small, squashed face. She had her small, pink fingers curled tightly around one of Jay's, and he moved it ever-so-slightly as she blinked up at him._

 _"She's got your nose." Erin whispered with a smile, moving her eyes over to Jay to watch him smile at that statement._

 _"You think?"_

 _"Definitely."_

 _His smile faded to a gentle stillness, as though he wouldn't need anything more for the rest of his life._

 _"How did we do this?" He whispered. "How'd we make something so perfect?"_

 _Erin breathed slow. "I have no idea."_

The enthusiasm between them stilled into an easy silence and Erin deduced that now would be a good a time as any to bring up what had happened in the bathroom.

"Look, about earlier…" She started slowly, watching with caution as he started closing the distance between them. "Maybe we should take things slow… I mean-"

Jay reached her at just the precise time to duck lower and capture her lips with his own. It was slower than before. It was tentative and soft, a juxtaposition to their antics in the bathroom.

After a couple of seconds, Jay moved back with the smallest of smiles on his face.

"Or not." Erin whispered, a smile growing to match his.

"I've been waiting a long time to do that." Jay said, his voice low in her ear. While she'd been waiting a few days, he'd been waiting years. She exhaled a world of tension before crashing their lips together again, running her hands down the back of his hair and softly wrapping them around his neck. His hands roamed across her lower back, over her ass, and eventually landing on the back of her thighs. He leaned down eagerly, giving her room and motivation to be lifted up and hook her legs around his waist.

It felt surreal being that close to him. Their hearts thudded against each other and nothing felt more familiar to her.

"God," She mumbled against his lips. "I missed this."

He kissed her slow, moving them both to the bedroom and awkwardly kicking it shut behind them. When he dropped them to the bed, Erin shuffled her way up and wasted no time in pulling her shirt over her head and tossing it somewhere across the room. His breathing became more irregular as he looked at her, lust in his eyes. It set her on fire, inspiring her to reach for his shirt and working quickly to remove that, too.

He kissed her collarbone, moving down her skin quickly and smoothly. His lips glazed over the toned skin of her abdomen, paying special attention to the purple lines of stretch marks - a sign of their family. As he popped the button on her jeans and pulled them off her, Erin clamped her eyes shut and felt euphoria. Her hands caressed his hair, her chest rising and falling irrationally.

She heard the guttural moans coming from deep within her chest, the feeling of electricity where he touched her. In a moment of passion she told him she loved him, but quickly swept past it in the hopes that the flames wouldn't fan out.

Her hands gripped the sheets and his hair, in the moment forgetting everything about herself apart from where she was and who she was with.

* * *

After many rounds, when the ebb and flow eventually slowed and their hearts beat so fast it was borderline dangerous, they fell into an easy, quick slumber.

The bed was soft beneath Jay, and familiar somehow - though not enough for him to remember anything. Though Chicago was cold, Jay felt intensely hot. He tossed and turned, a sweat building up as each hour passed. His mind was racing and his tongue felt dry as he dipped in and out of dreams. Occasionally he'd kick out, or relinquish a soft, pained moan. In dreams he was fighting a war, in reality he was sleeping away the night. He found himself stuck somewhere in between, and as the night drew on, everything became more vivid. The gunfire, the smoke, the dusty smell, the taste in the air, the pain, the worry, the loss.

And then, at 4:34am, it all came to a violent end.

* * *

 **Gotta love cliffhangers! Drop me a review with any thoughts and feelings - updates are coming soon!**


	10. Chapter 10

He was crushing her windpipe. Erin eyes flashed open and she wheezed for air; she felt herself slipping away. In desperate attempts she threw her hands forward, her nails catching Jay on his neck and upper torso. She slapped and punched, tried to call out his name. Her body tired under the violent pressure but she forced herself to stay conscious.

Jay's eyes were deadened. It was a nightmare, she knew it was. It was a vivid hallucination in his head and she was just part of the shrapnel.

It felt like she was drowning, and she knew she wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. Her hand reached out to the left as she knocked off everything on the nightstand. She needed something to grab. But time was running out and her lungs were on fire.

In a desperate, last minute splurge of energy, Erin kicked, punched and scratched with everything she had. She chocked out his name in the effort. It came out distorted and pained. She almost blacked out from the strength she'd used, but it all proved effective. Jay surged back and managed to steady himself at the last minute from falling from the bed.

Erin felt like throwing up as she inhaled all the oxygen her lungs would allow. There were tears in the corners of her eyes from the struggle and her face had turned a deep red from the deprivation. She sat up and leaned over, waiting to see if she'd pass out.

"Oh my god." Jay murmured as he came through. "Oh my god, oh my god. Erin. Erin, I didn't… It was… It was a dream, I didn't…"

She couldn't respond to him, not yet. The gag reflex had still been triggered and she felt moments away from puking. Her head was pounding and she couldn't focus. She saw black spots as she blinked them away, her throat burning as she inhaled.

"Erin, I'm sorry. Please… I'm so, so sorry."

The door creaked open and Lucy revealed herself, half-awake and mid-yawn. She scrunched up her face and rubbed her eyes with her hands in fists.

"What's the noise for, mama?" She blabbered.

"Nothing, sweetie." Erin answered immediately, her voice still shaky. The words tasted strange in her mouth, maybe knowing she came moments from losing them altogether. "Come on, let's go back to bed."

She didn't give Jay a second look and didn't give him a chance to intervene. Her mother's intuition stepped in and caused her to get up, head to the door, grab Lucy's hand and walk her back to bed.

* * *

Jay paced outside of Lucy's door. He felt sick to his stomach. Everything was so clouded and confused in his head, but he couldn't escape the image of Erin's throat in his hands, life draining from her eyes.

Everything about him - every atom in his body - was eager to serve and protect, just like he'd been trained. At yet, he'd just done the exact opposite.

When Erin came out of Lucy's room, Jay was on the couch with his head in his hands. As soon as he heard the door however, he was on his feet.

"Erin," He choked, feeling broken by the simple word. He felt his eyes glistening as he looked at her. "I'm sorry. I'm… I never wanted to hurt you. I can't believe…"

"It's okay." She murmured.

"No. No, it's not. I could've… I mean, if you hadn't stopped me…"

"But I did." She said gently. Her neck was red and sore and he couldn't look at anything else. "I did stop you. I'm okay."

He creased his brow, feeling moments away from his knees giving in and crumpling to the floor. "I never meant…"

"I know." She whispered, moving a little closer. "I forgive you."

"Erin." He took a step back.

"I. Forgive. You." She said slowly, eyes hard on his. And although she did, she didn't go back to sleep that morning.

* * *

Erin and Jay sat on the couch, subdued in a painful silence that they both pretended didn't exist. Each of them had told the other to go and get some sleep, but neither did.

By the time 7am rolled around, a brightness filled the apartment and motivated Erin to get on with her morning. She first went to the bathroom, deciding that concealer was going to be her best friend for the day. She needed to do something about the marks on her skin before Lucy saw in daylight and freaked out.

By the time she had finished with attempting to disguise the marks on her neck, the result was far from desired. The redness was far less obvious but still existent, and the already-forming bruising was painfully evident. She tentatively touched the skin and felt herself wince a little.

After getting Lucy up and ready, Erin had a call from Hank. Apparently a big case had come in and he could use her help, provided she wasn't too busy. Truthfully, she was grateful for the distraction.

She walked back into the living room to see Lucy and Jay on the couch. He'd thrown on a shirt and jeans and Lucy was ready for daycare, just mulling over which stuffed toy to take. The sight was beautiful; Jay discussing with her daughter which animal might want an adventure and which one needed a day off. When he finally noticed her, the apologies were still evident in his eyes and he looked at a loss for words.

"Come on, Luce, let's go." Erin said, grabbing her coat and slipping it on. She pulled it tight around herself, hoping it would conceal enough to get her through the day.

As Lucy hopped up with her stuffed ladybug, Jay stood up too. He helped put Lucy's arms in the straps of her backpack and stood awkwardly behind her.

"Hank called, asked if I can come in. I'll only be a few hours." She told him, and he nodded solemnly.

She watched as his eyes went to her neck, and he went a little pale at the sight. As he quickly looked away, Erin didn't give it a second thought as she wrapped her hands round his shoulders and held him close. She breathed in the scent and was reminded of the night before, with his skin against her's and his taste on her lips and everything feeling like it was gently fitting into place.

* * *

Erin walked into the precinct, her breath held. She shuffled past Platt's desk unnoticed and mounted the stairs quickly. She knew she'd get looks, she just hoped they weren't accompanied by comments. Unfortunately for Erin, some of her co-workers weren't as subtle as she hoped.

"Hey, Lindsay." Adam said as Erin took her desk. His face fell slack when she took off her coat. "Jeez, what happened to you?"

"Nothing, just, uh…" She couldn't think of anything. She contemplated saying Lucy had done it, but something didn't feel right. She didn't know what to say. And the longer she paused, the more looks she got. Finally, Hank left his office and went to greet her. His smile dimmed when he saw what everyone else did too.

"My office." He grunted.

Erin sighed, getting back up from her chair and out of sight from her co-workers. Hank shut the door behind them and sat on the edge of his desk, Erin waiting by the door.

"What the hell happened?" He asked.

Erin chewed her lip. "It was an accident." She felt sick at the words. Everything she thought of sounded like a battered wives' cliche. _'He didn't mean to,' 'He's going through a lot'._ She'd heard them day in, day out. But this was different, and she needed Hank to know that.

"He had a nightmare. Everything just got a little out of control. But I'm fine. I handled it."

Hank remained still, silent. He kept stony eyes on Erin until finally speaking again. "And if you hadn't?" Erin looked down, gritting her teeth. "What if it was Lucy?"

"Stop, Hank." She said, shutting down the image in her head. "I didn't come here for a lecture, I came to work. So will you just let me do that?" She snapped.

She wanted to desperately tell him that sometimes you hurt the people you love. It's what she did to Jay when she walked out on him as a partner all those years ago. It's what happened every time the two of them got into a fight and, in the heat of the moment, said something that hit too close to home. It was a part of life. It happened.

"And what happens when your shift's over? What happens tonight, Erin?"

"I don't know!" She shouted. "But what I do know is that I am doing my damn best, and so is he!"

"If he's got problems then he's gotta deal with them. And if he does, it's not your job to fix it."

"We went through his PTSD once together, we can do it again."

"With a four year old, too?"

Erin put her head in her hands. "I can handle this, Hank. We've survived a lot worse."

Voight's darkened eyes seemed to lose a bit of their intensity as the air between them cooled. He closed in on her and placed his hands on her shoulders. Despite the fact she was married with a daughter, he'd always see her as that young girl who needed him.

"You call me. Any time you need to talk to someone, you call me. Got it?"

Erin nodded, sinking into the hug he gave her. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Jay paused from his push ups, needing a ten second breather. His muscles and bruises ached under the pressure, but a part of him took it as punishment. Every time his eyes closed, he relived it all.

He dipped back into his workout, moving one arm behind his back to continue the regime. As he hit fourteen, there was a knock at the door that gave him another chance to relax before his limbs gave out.

When he pulled open the door, Will was on the other side. Jay let him in, still breathing heavy from the intensity of his workout.

"You're supposed to be taking it easy, you know." Will reminded him.

Jay didn't reply, instead going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water from which he chugged heartily. He settled against the counter, Will hovering on the other side of the kitchen.

"Anything with your memory?" Will asked, to which Jay regretfully shook his head. "How's married life treating you?"

Jay ran a hand across his face before gripping his hair at the root. "It's happening again, Will." His eyes flashed to his brother. "The triggers. The nightmares."

Will was familiar with this, Jay knew. When he first came back and needed someplace to stay, Will's place offered refuge, giving him enough time to heal before Will headed for New York and Jay got himself a place of his own. And in that time they spent together, Will experienced the full force of his anguish.

Will hardened his expression. It always was a sore spot between them. Will hated seeing his brother hurting, hated even more that there wasn't anything he could do.

"How serious?" He asked.

Jay gulped. "Last night… I don't even know what happened. I was having a nightmare, and then all of a sudden…" It took him several moments to say, the guilt swallowing every attempt he made. "I woke up with my hands around Erin's throat."

Jay couldn't even look at his brother's reaction, the shame being too much.

"What does Erin say about it?"

"She says she forgives me, that it's okay, but… How can it be okay? I could've killed her. I would've killed her."

The space fell silent between them. Jay felt suffocated by it all and he knew there wasn't anything Will could say to comfort him. He didn't need comfort. He needed solutions.

"You want a psych consult?" Will suggested.

Jay exhaled. He didn't know what he wanted. "I'll talk to Erin."

Will nodded like he understood. He paused for a second, as though deciding whether or not to speak. Eventually, he gathered the strength.

"Did Erin tell you about… Last time?"

Jay creased his brow. "No… What last time?"

Will cast his eyes downward. "Something triggered you a couple of years back. Before Lucy, before you guys got married… It was pretty bad."

He felt his eyes trace his brother, wanting answers. He thought the guilt he had was at the rock bottom it could be, but new depths were starting to form. He felt like a weight around Erin's neck, and sooner or later, she was going to drown.

* * *

Lindsay was in the locker room. Her day had run later than expected, the time nearing 5PM. She'd called Jay, and had an awkward conversation as expected. She told him she'd be late and he said it was fine. But even then, she knew there was more he wanted to say. It seemed that was always their problem - too many words, not enough fearlessness.

"Hey, I can't believe I haven't seen you all day. Platt had me running-" Kim started as she entered the locker room, but quickly shut her mouth when Erin turned to face her.

Kim's eyes were on Erin's neck and she sighed in frustration. "Come on, not you, too." Erin groaned.

"When… I mean, did he…?"

"Yeah, he did. But he was dreaming, he didn't know what he was doing. It's not his fault." She said, getting tired of defending him to everyone.

"Of course. We all know Jay. He'd never… Not on purpose. We know that." Erin threw a grateful look. It was nice to hear someone other than her talk about how great a person he was. "Is it PTSD?"

Kim was familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder, as most of the unit was, too. Everyone knew what a pain in the ass it was, but more importantly, how unpredictable and volatile it could be.

"Yeah." Erin said. "He had two other… Episodes beforehand."

She hadn't wanted to tell Hank that, but confiding in Kim was different. And she needed to get it off her chest.

"Is he looking into therapy? What about Doctor Charles? You worked with him, right? How did you find him?"

"I don't know, Kim." Erin snapped. The room fell silent and Erin dropped to the bench, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

"The last time he got help… It was hell. The psych consults were draining. They put him on meds, but… I don't know… It's like he became a shell of himself. He was borderline depressive… He fought like hell to make it out of that. We both did. I don't want him going through that again. Not with Lucy around."

Kim didn't have anything to say - nothing of substance, anyway. So she simply sat down next to Erin and put her arm around the detective's shoulders.

* * *

Erin picked up Lucy and headed home. On her way out of the precinct the unit gave their best to Jay, and Erin was grateful. But more than anything she just wanted to get home and take a few aspirins to ease the pounding headache she'd been subject to.

"Wheels on the bus, round and round, round and round," Lucy chanted from the backseat. She flew Linda the Ladybug around her head and sang a combination of mismatched nursery rhymes, and Erin couldn't explain how it was oddly remedying to her.

Once home and climbing the stairwell to their floor, Erin felt a nervousness in her stomach. She'd confided in Kim about what was happening and since then, it was all she could think about.

Lucy was babbling at her side but Erin worked quickly to unlike the front door and let them in. When she did, there was a smell and atmosphere that took over her entirely. The room was dim, candles dotted around the exterior. When Erin stepped further into the apartment, she saw the table set and food out waiting.

"Daddy!" Lucy shouted as she ran over to Jay. He scooped her up in an instant and wrapped his arms around her small frame.

"What's this?" Erin asked, taking off her coat and looking at Jay with quizzical curiosity.

Jay put Lucy down and took a deep breath. He shot Erin a meaningful look and let out a smile. "The start of a very long list of apologies."

Erin smiled, despite herself. Her eyes cast over the array of food. "Spaghetti and meatballs?"

Jay looked to the food then back and Erin, a sheepish grin on his face. "Yeah. I remember it was your favourite. I don't know if it still is-"

"It is." Erin said, corners of her lips tugging. She held Jay's gaze a moment longer before dropping down to take off Lucy's coat. Once it was off, they all sat down to eat.

Lucy's dinner was the same as her parents', though the spaghetti was cut into smaller strands and the chunks of meatballs cut into quarters. Lucy began slurping the spaghetti strands the second Erin tucked her in, earning a chuckle from Jay.

He poured wine into Erin's glass and water into his own before the two dug into their meals, too.

"This is good." Erin said in between bites, shooting a look of appreciation to Jay. She then turned to Lucy, covered in tomato sauce. "You like it, Luce?"

Lucy nodded passionately, slurping at the spaghetti with all her might. Jay chuckled, knowing that he wasn't a great cook and the food was probably sub-par at best.

After a while, Jay spoke up. It was the elephant in the room and truthfully, Erin was glad he brought it up first.

"Will came by earlier. He said he could get me a psych consult."

Erin looked up, watched his expression. "Oh."

"Is that not… I mean, don't you think I should do it?"

"Yeah, of course." Erin said, throwing an optimistic smile his way. She toyed with a meatball and waited for him to bring it up again.

"Will said I dealt with it before. The nightmares and stuff. Were we together for that?" Erin nodded hesitantly. "Did I ever…"

 _Strangle me?_ Erin thought. "No. Never that bad."

"How long was it, before it all stopped?"

"About eight months."

Jay creased his eyebrow and looked down for a moment. Eight months. And by the sounds of it, this time round would be worse, so he guessed over a year.

"What do you think I should do?" He asked Erin. It was funny, he thought, that her opinion was the only one he cared about right now.

Erin gulped, nervous to hold such power in her hands. At first thought, the pain of her neck seemed to make up her mind. But then she thought about the last time, how it almost broke them. How they were one fight away from ending it.

"I think you shouldn't make that decision tonight." Jay seemed content at that answer.

* * *

 _Erin sighed as she slid her key into the lock. She turned the handle to her front door and gently let herself inside, the darkness consuming her. As she made her way further in, she saw Jay's shadow as he looked out the window, his silhouette ominous somehow._

 _He'd shut her out all day. He'd been off all day. He'd infuriated Hank with his inability to follow protocol and he'd worried Erin as he froze up when she needed him the most. She could still picture it; the guy she had eyes on pulling a gun from his back pocket and firing instantly, her firing back while Jay dropped to the ground. She thought he'd been hit - it almost stole the life from her, too. But he was bullet-free, and if his quiet demeanour for the entire day hadn't been enough, that was the cherry on the cake._

 _"Hey." She said, hoping it'd incite some kind of reaction in him. But, nothing. "Jay."_

 _As she drew closer, she saw the whisky glass in his hand. As poor a choice she knew it was, alcohol was often an escape for both of them. She came ever closer still and reached out her hand to his shoulder. He jumped at the contact._

 _"Hey, it's me." She said instantly, his eyes frantically glazing over her. The ice rattled in his glass as he moved._

 _She watched him swallow, watched as his drunken eyes calmed a little and turned back to stare at the view. She wished she could see into his head - find out what was going on._

 _"Are we gonna talk about today?" She asked, more bite to her tone than intended._

 _He creased up his face a little as he downed more of his whisky. His eyes then went back to watching everything happening on the streets below. He wasn't even paying attention to her._

 _Erin gritted her teeth a little. It appeared as though some of her communication issues were rubbing off on him, and it was annoying her to the core._

 _"If you don't tell me what's going on then I can't help you."_

 _With unfocused eyes he replied. "I'll save you some time." He finally looked at her, eyes so cold that it hurt for her to see him this way. "You can't help me."_

 _He held that look for a second longer before sloppily bringing his glass to his lips again. But before it could make contact, Erin whipped out her hand and snatched the tumbler from his grip. As she did so, she felt herself taken back to her 'sabbatical', standing outside the club, feeling her insides torn as Jay ripped the sunglasses from her face. She wondered if he made that connection, too._

 _"Talk to me." She said, no room in her voice for compromise._

 _"You don't wanna know."_

 _He tried to turn but she grabbed his arm, turning him back to her._

 _"No." She spat. "Don't do that. I'm not your boss, I'm not one of the guys… I'm your girlfriend. I'm the person you live with…" He didn't look convinced. "Look, when I told you that I loved you, that didn't mean I just love the pretty parts of you. It means I love every part of you. So tell me what's going on."_

 _He took a step back, ran his hands across his face. His pallor seemed drained of colour as did his eyes, so dense that it continued to scare her. Finally, after he eventually gathered up the courage, his hoarse voice found her._

 _"I feel like I'm back. Back in Afghanistan. Every time I touch my gun or hear a scream or… Or even breathe… I feel like I'm back. And I feel sick and guilty and scared every second."_

 _He seemed to choke on the words a little, eyes shaky as he spoke. He looked at her, pleading, and she saw everything in his eyes. And all she wanted to do was end the suffering for him._

* * *

After dinner, everything continued on a smooth path. There was no shattering, no panic, no PTSD. They threw on a movie and ate popcorn for a while before Erin decided it was time to run Lucy a bath. Truthfully, it unnerved her. She thought of Lucy in the bathtub and her hunched over the side and all that came to mind was speaking to Jay before his accident. The Jay she married - who knew he was her husband and knew their daughter.

But still she went ahead with it, and it turned out to be a lot of fun.

"Bubbles, bubbles!" Lucy chuckled as she blew the foamy water in her hands. Jay reciprocated and played with the toys she had around her. Erin noted how similar their actions were - this Jay and the old one - how loving his daughter came naturally regardless of what memories he had.

Once Lucy was thoroughly clean from the bath, Jay put her to bed. Completely by himself. And when he snuck out of Lucy's room, the accomplished grin on his face told Erin how proud he was.

* * *

They slept separately that night. Jay said he'd take the couch and Erin didn't dispute it. She lay in bed awake and thought of the incident; of him gripping her throat and cutting off her oxygen supply. Logic dictated that he see a specialist. But logic also dictated that he should remember everything by now. And she'd lost hope on that a while ago.

* * *

 **This was a crazy-long chapter but I didn't want to elongate the chapters between this one and the next. I felt very apprehensive posting this - the response was overwhelming for the last chapter and the bar certainly felt very high... I hope I delivered in some way!**

 **If anyone feels disappointed for the direction I decided to take this story, I'm sorry. I understand the annoyance with cliches and a lack of originality when it comes to AUs like this, but I felt this was necessary for the way I've planned for the story to go ahead. I needed this to be the catalyst for an overarching story and I hope that eventually shines through.**

 **Thank you for reading! Tell me every thought/feeling/emotion you had!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm still overwhelmed at every review you guys leave, and although not everyone was happy with the direction I chose to go with this I hope that you'll bear with me and stick this story out. I'm excited about where it's going and I can't wait to get deep into the angst - which, if you follow my other stories, will know is my true passion.**

 **And to everyone enjoying this story, thank you so much for your kind words! (I hope they stay kind after this chapter!)**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

The following morning, Erin awoke to two voicemails. One from the daycare, explaining they were unexpectedly closed for the day. The other from Hank, asking if she was willing to work again. She called Voight back and said she would, feeling pleasantly optimistic for the day.

The Jay she had the day before - cooking dinner, bathing Lucy - was the most reminiscent she'd seen him of who he was before the accident. The bruises on him were starting to fade and he had a growing confidence when it came to fatherhood. It made her hopeful. Well, at least when she covered up the marks on her neck.

Erin clipped her badge to her side while Jay hovered awkwardly around her.

"Is she allergic to anything?" He asked, the worry evident on his face. When Erin told him she needed him to watch Lucy alone for a few hours, she thought that bold confidence would shine through. Instead he seemed a nervous wreck.

"Cats." Erin said, finishing her coffee. "So if she asks you for one, and she definitely will, the answer is still no."

"Erin." He said, the nerves evident on his face.

"Peanuts and shellfish."

"Right. Okay. Good. Uhm…" He wracked his brain for any and all questions. "What does she like for lunch?"

"It changes daily so she'll tell you. Listen, Jay. You've done this a thousand times. This is the job of a sixteen year old girl. I trust you."

Jay softened a little and Erin turned to leave, pausing momentarily in her tracks to press a kiss to his cheek. It looked like he wanted to offer something more back to her, but the thought was lost in his eyes in a passing second.

"I'll call you in a bit. Don't let her sleep in too late and make sure she brushes her teeth."

And with that, Erin left her husband on babysitting duty.

* * *

"Daddy?" Lucy asked with a mouthful of cereal. She sat at one end of the table, Jay at the other. "Where do babies come from?"

Jay spluttered his coffee. It was maybe the last thing he expected from her. "Uh… Uhm, well…"

"Bellies? Jack's mom has a big belly."

"Yeah." Jay agreed quickly. "From the belly."

"But how does the baby get there?" She asked further, stirring around the cereal.

Jay squinted a little. He thought tracking down the right cereal in Erin's kitchen was hard, but this was a whole new ballgame.

"Uh, well… It's kinda like a seed. You know how a seed grows into a plant? It's like that."

"How does the seed get there?"

Jay exhaled. He thought this was a question only asked in movies. "When the mommy and daddy… Kiss, the seed kind of… It appears in the mommy's belly."

"Always?"

"Uh, well…"

"'Cus you and mama kiss. Is there gonna be a baby?" Lucy's face lit up as she said it, her arms waving around in excitement.

"No, no, no, no… Me and Mom, we… Uh… We do a different kiss. A no-baby kiss."

Lucy opened her mouth again to ask, Jay guessed, another painfully awkward question. So, before she could, he suggested something he knew she couldn't refuse.

"Hey, do you wanna go to the park?"

* * *

It felt surreal, walking down the street holding his daughter's hand. Her pink boots slapped against the pavement as she occasionally skipped, and every now and then he'd have to adjust her hat when it got close to falling off. He never saw himself in this light: domestic and fatherly. Maybe it came from the fact he'd never seen his own father in that light. But he had to admit, he more than liked it.

Every so often, Lucy would attach both hands to Jay's one and he'd lift her up and swing her forward. She laughed every time, and he could tell by her enthusiasm that it was something he'd never done before. That warmed him more than he could express - to know that he wasn't entirely living in the shadow over his former self.

They spent over an hour at the park, walking round, looking at the dogs being walked, playing on the swings. They finally called it a day when Lucy's nose turned pink from the cold and Jay was tired of hauling Lucy to the top of the slide and repeating when she slid to the bottom.

They headed back home and had lunch - cheese sandwiches with cut up bananas on the side. After watching more than enough episodes of Peppa Pig and playing with Lucy's dollhouse for a while, the youngster looked thoroughly tired.

"Hey, Luce, you want a fort?"

Lucy nodded. "Like before?"

He tried not to show his disappointment. It was ridiculous, but he felt in competition with his former self. "Yeah, like before."

He thought - hoped - that when building the fort, some memories of the last time he'd build her one would come flooding back to him. At times, when he positioned a cushion or hung a blanket above, he felt a twinge of something. But nothing concrete.

By the time it was built, Jay was tired, too. He sat back on his heels and glazed over his work with admiration. Aside from where the pink blankets would've been blue and the cushions would've been frayed, it uncannily resembled the forts he and Will would hide away in when they were younger.

"This looks cool, Luce." He remarked.

Lucy popped her head out with the biggest grin he'd seen all day. "Come in!"

Jay smiled at her, watching the gratitude shine from her face and her smile so big it consumed her face. The dimples that popped from her cheeks were just like Erin's, it captivated him for a minute.

"Daddy! Come in!" Lucy squealed, reaching out her hand to him.

Jay held her hand as she tried with all her strength to pull him in. She giggled as he stumbled inside, the enclosed space echoing the joyous sound around the both of them. They rested their heads on the pillows and lay side by side, light seeping in sparsely through the blankets.

Jay closed his eyes for a second, took in the silence. He could hear his daughter breathing beside him, but aside from that, there was nothing. Something finally stilled inside him.

Moments later, he heard Lucy rustling, and when he opened his eyes he saw her looking down at him with concern in her eyes.

"Daddy, you have scratches." She said, poking gently at the small marks on his neck.

Jay swallowed. Nail scratches. From where Erin was trying to wake up - to get him off her. His breathing came quick as the guilt flooded back to him. It was insane that he'd managed to escape it for a moment.

"Is it… From before?" Lucy asked quizzically. Jay didn't know what kind of conversation Erin had with her about the accident, and he didn't want to go informing his daughter that he got pummelled by metal in an intense crash. Then again, 'I strangled Mommy and scratching me was her way of surviving' wasn't the right alternative either.

Jaw creased his brow, trying to hold his even expression. "Yeah. From before."

Lucy remained silent, and Jay became enthralled with the amount of empathy on her face. She was four year olds, and he could see in her small eyes that she wanted to take his pain away. He watched with adoration as she kissed her palm gently before pressing it to his neck.

"Better?" She asked, eyes lighting up with hope.

A smile escaped his lips. "Much better."

He didn't stay in fort much longer - after around ten minutes Lucy fell asleep, the activities at the park clearly having an effect on her. As Jay wriggled out and stretched his limbs, he decided to take the time to join Lucy's endeavours. He sank onto the couch and closed his eyes, falling into a gentle sleep that proved to be the calm before the storm.

* * *

Erin left the precinct at 3.30pm, the case being quickly wrapped up. It was a good day, she was beginning to feel like herself again. Although Antonio was a good partner, he was no Jay, and she realised on the job how much she missed him by her side.

Five minutes before she left, Voight pulled her aside and asked how it was going. In fact, she'd gotten looks of that caliber all day. But she shook it off, told everyone she was fine and kept her head high. Her attention and focus was on getting home that day. Home to her family.

She decided not to call Jay to tell him she was coming. Her plan was to surprise them at her early departure from work and suggest they go out for dinner. Her plan was skewed, however, upon opening the front door.

The sight before her unfolded in slow motion, a deep panic filling her lungs. Her heart stopped as she watched Lucy only centimetres from Jay's face - motionless, as he slept on the couch - preparing to place a light kiss on his cheek. Their tradition. And all Erin could envision were his hands around her tiny, fragile throat.

"Lucy, get back!" Erin screamed, so much so the youngster was startled and fell backwards. The side of her head bumped against the corner of the table and she let out a deep howl immediately. Jay awoke instantly at the sound of Erin's voice, jumping upright and eyes wide with panic.

"What… What happened?" He croaked as Erin ran straight for Lucy. She could see blood and Lucy's screams were only getting louder.

"Shh, shh, sweetie, it's okay." Erin cooed, lifting her up and practically running to the kitchen. She planted her on the counter and reached above for the medicine box. Thankfully, the deep was purely superficial and barely deep. It was the shock more than anything. But still, Erin applied a plaster and picked up her daughter again, holding her close to her body.

Jay followed her to the kitchen, panic still present in his voice. "Erin, I… I don't know what happened. We both fell asleep. I…" His eyes narrowed as he seemed to understand what had happened. "I wouldn't have hurt her."

Erin looked away, unable to look him in the eye. She breathed 'shh's into Lucy's ear and proceeded to hold her close, stroking her hair.

When she finally willed herself to look up at him, he looked broken. His jaw tensed as he spoke the words that proceeded to break her, too.

"You don't trust me?"

She felt tears in her eyes as she watched him. "I'm sorry."

He looked as though he wanted to say more. But like always, words failed him. And instead he opted for walking out of the apartment with nothing but Erin's shouting and Lucy's screaming playing back in his head.

* * *

 **I'll have the next chapter up ASAP! (It's full of angst, so was incredibly fun to write) Thank you for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

Erin purchased the ice-cream from the street vendor and passed it down to Lucy. Her eyes were still red from the crying but they seemed to light up at the cone in front of her. To Erin's right, Kim piped up about the situation.

"You were looking out for your daughter. No one can blame you for that." Kim reasoned. To her credit, it had taken only ten minutes for Kim to meet Erin with Lucy on the street corner after she freaked out down the phone to the officer.

"And I hurt her in the process. I'm the worst mom ever. And the worst wife. Now that I think about it, I don't know what I'm actually good for right now."

Kim bumped her gentle, throwing a look of consolation. "Hey, don't do that. You're a great mom. And don't even get me started on the wife front. I don't even have the patience to deal with Adam's paper cuts, much less what you're going through."

"Yeah, well, Jay walked out. And I can't blame him, can I?"

"No one's to blame, here." Kim interjected. "This is just… A rough patch. I've seen you guys survive a lot. You'll survive this, too."

Erin wasn't so sure. She sucked in a breath of cold air and held Lucy's hand a little tighter.

"What is it people say? 'God never gives us more than we can't handle?' I'm beginning to think that's a load of crap."

"You just now thinking that's a load of crap? It really has been smooth sailing for you, huh?" Kim chuckled, earning a playful shoulder bump from Erin. But as much as she played it up, she couldn't ignore the sick feeling in her stomach, wondering whether or not Jay would be coming home that night.

* * *

Jay sat on Mouse's couch, feeling the third beer hit him a little. He took a lengthy swig before leaning back.

"How'd this happen to us, man?" He asked, glassy eyes looking up to Mouse. "We went through hell protecting our country. And now?… Now we get this? What kind of karma is that?"

He took another swig. And another. He drank until the bottle felt empty and then Mouse handed him another. He downed half of that before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

"I can't remember the day my daughter was born. I'm pretty sure I married my dream woman, and I tried to kill her." Jay ran his hand across his face. The sickness and sadness had absolved and now he just felt hollow. "Why me? My dad is flying around the world, buying himself happiness, and he's fine. Will's got this job, and this charisma… They're all fine…"

"You've got a family, man." Mouse interjected.

Jay scoffed, leaning back and gritting his teeth. Then he thought of them - of his family - and the anger and hate inside of his dissolved into love. "Lucy's hilarious. She's four years old and she can make me laugh as hard as any of the guys. I look at her, and I just think, how can she be so good? How can she be mine and be so pure and innocent? And then I look at Erin, and… I just ache, y'know. I want to be what she needs, but I just can't."

He swallowed hard, dark eyes meeting Mouse's. "And I don't know how to move past this."

* * *

Erin was on edge that night. She waited up, eyes on the door. She explained to Lucy that he was just out shopping, that he'd maybe be back to tuck her into bed. He wasn't, of course, but Erin did her best to feign a smile as she read Lucy her story and kissed the band-aid on her forehead.

She watched a movie. Or two. She checked her phone. She ignored some texts from Voight almost felt herself send out a search party. Then the door opened.

He was unsteady on his feet. Plus she'd known him a while and there was a certain repetitive pattern to his drunken demeanour.

"Hey." She said, getting to her feet.

His foggy eyes met hers. "Hi."

The silence was defeaning. Erin gulped then wrapped her arms around herself.

"I'm gonna see a therapist." Jay blurted out. "Tomorrow. I'm gonna see Dr. Charles."

Erin let out a breath. "That's… Great." She wasn't sure that it was, but everything in her mind was so clouded that it couldn't hurt to wind some professional help into their problem. She'd resisted it for so long when she needed it before, she was glad he was taking the initiative she hadn't.

Jay licked his lips. Erin knew the expression on his face. She knew it was his delivery of bad news. And she wanted more than anything for him to just hold onto it for tonight.

"I think I should stay with Will for a while."

The room became unsteady. "What?"

"I think it's best for everyone. At least while I get better."

"Look, Jay, what happened today… I shouldn't have-"

"No, you should have. And I'm glad you did, because if I did end up hurting her… I wouldn't be able to forgive myself." He looked down for a second in shame before averting his eyes back up, focus dropping on the still present marks around Erin's neck. "I nearly killed you."

"Stop." She almost shouted, despite the fact their daughter was asleep in the other room. She rapidly closed the distance between herself and Jay and clasped one of his hands. She brought it up to her neck and made him feel the skin there. "See? I'm fine. It was an accident, I know that."

He pulled away and stepped back, eyes turning away as though he couldn't even look at her. "I want to you sleep safe at night. And that can't happen if I'm here."

Erin's frustration turned to anger, as it often did in their arguments. "And what am I supposed to tell Lucy?"

Jay exhaled, she could tell he was thinking. But like her, he was stumped. There was no easy way to explain this to her.

"'Daddy left us, but he might be back in around eight months time.'" Erin angrily suggested.

Jay opened his mouth to dispute. "It won't be-"

"'Nobody walks out.'" Erin quoted, fire in her blood. "That was a promise we made to each other, believe it or not. When things get hard, we stick around and fight for each other, for this family."

"If I stick around there might not be a family to fight for!" Jay shouted, catching Erin off guard. In their arguments, she was always the loud one, he was the voice of reason. She waited and prayed that Lucy wasn't awoken by the noise. Thankfully, she wasn't.

Erin felt sick. She had fought, tooth and nail, to keep their family together since the crash. She'd been patient and loving, even when every atom in her body wanted to be the contrary. She honoured their promise and it broke her that he couldn't do the same.

The hot anger in the air settled to sadness, and Erin didn't want to be submerged in it anymore.

"We didn't become our parents, Jay. But right now, you're getting pretty damn close." Erin near whispered, holding a direct gaze with Jay before she turned around and headed to her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

After a fight, it'd usually end with her on one side of a door, Jay on the other. Sometimes for hours on end. But as she heard the shutting of the front door and the key turning in the lock, something resonated deep within her that this could be the beginning of the end.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed!**


	13. Chapter 13

It was never easy sleeping without Jay, but Erin found that night particularly hard. Every time she tossed and turned, her mind flooded with memories they'd shared in that bed. Lazy Saturday mornings watching old movies, Sunday evenings in the dark - nights after tough days where she just needed the taste of him, days when they had the time to take it slow and appreciate every inch of each other. She saw the cruel irony in it all and wanted to scream at the universe for bestowing this on her - that the memories seemed to haunt her and couldn't land in Jay's mind at all.

Erin was late in for work that morning. Well, not technically, since she wasn't scheduled to be in at all. When she walked into the precinct, Hank had a look of affection on his face, glad to see her back in her unit. But when he truly took in her expression, he knew happiness wasn't the right emotion to have around her.

After calling her into his office, Hank sank into his desk chair and waited to be updated.

"He moved out." Erin breathed after an eternity.

Hank sat up a little. "Why?"

She sank into a chair and put her head in her hands. Breathing in slow, she let out all of the emotions she managed to hold in overnight and this morning in front of Lucy.

"I downplayed his PTSD. It's… It's pretty bad. And then yesterday I walked in on him and Lucy, and all I could picture was him hurting her. So I freaked out, he walked out… Came back hours later saying he was seeing a therapist and moving out."

"Permanently?"

"He says no, but… Come on, Hank, we both know it will be." She felt tears prick her eyes. She'd called Kim that night and managed to hold it all together, but she finally felt the dam was about to burst.

"He's trying to protect you, Erin. Both of you. Maybe having some space won't be the worst thing right now."

"And his memory?" She blurted out. "We've all given up on that coming back, right?"

They fell into a sad silence. Finally, Hank broke it. "Take today off. God knows you could use it."

"No," Erin expressed immediately. "Lucy's at daycare, and Jay'll be going back to the apartment to pick up some clothes, and I really don't wanna be there when he does. I need a distraction today."

Hank nodded, but still reserved a fatherly tone. "Alright. But say the word and you're outta here. Family comes first, you know that."

Of course Erin knew that. What she wondered was, did Jay?

* * *

"I've got to admit, detective, your cases is one of the rarest I've seen." Dr. Charles commented, eyes peeking over his glasses and a notebook in hand. His office was glaring to Jay. "So, let's start at the beginning, shall we? Tell me about yourself."

Jay stumbled over his words a little. "Alright, well… Okay, I'm married. I have a daughter. We-"

"Instead, Jay," Dr. Charles interjected. "Tell me things you know. Not things you've been told. After the crash, you didn't remember being married to Erin or Lucy being your daughter, is that right?" Jay shook his head. "So tell me what you did know."

"I was in the Intelligence Unit, 21st district. I have a brother…" Jay wracked his brain. Was that it? Was that his life - work and minimal family?

"And your parents?"

Jay readjusted his position. He gritted his teeth and tried to unlock the memories in his head that he'd stored away. For good reason, too. Either they made him angry or sad, or in some situations, down right depressed.

Dr. Charles helped him a little. "Your mother."

Jay looked a way for a second. "She's been gone for a while. Cancer."

"My condolences." Dr. Charles offered, and there was something about his face that made Jay appreciate the sentiment. "And your father?"

"He comes in and out of town. I don't… We don't talk. The last time I saw him was two years ago." He said, but then thought of the inaccuracy of his words. "But that was before the accident, so it must've been around eight years. And Erin said that we ran into him-"

"You don't have to worry with information that's been relayed to you, Jay. Hopefully as we progress, that'll all come a little easier to you." Jay understood the undertones, as it was one of his main aims for being there. To unlock the memories the accident had repressed. To remember who he was.

"Now, can you explain to me a little the relationship between you and your father?"

Jay sucked in a breath. Where could he begin? Truthfully, he didn't want to begin anywhere. Talking about his dad felt like a punch to the stomach.

"We just don't see eye to eye."

"…Because?"

"We run in different circles. He's more elitist, I'm more… Grounded."

"And his relationship with your mother? What was that like?"

Jay ran his sweaty palms across the material of his jeans. Hit bit down on his lip and forced himself to co-operate. As much as he loathed discussing such topics, it was for Erin and Lucy.

"He belittled her. Pushed her around. He broke her."

"Abused her?"

Jay ran his hand across his jaw. All he felt, every second of every day, was guilt. Guilt for getting into an accident, guilt for causing Erin stress, guilt for not being a good enough husband, a good enough father, guilt for strangling her, guilt for being someone Erin couldn't trust around her daughter. And now, he was unlocking guilt from his past.

He nodded.

"Does some part of you feel responsible?"

Jay nodded again. It was something he and Will had never discussed - mostly because Will and their father had a different relationship than Jay did. Though he knew that Will never condoned his actions, he still understood them in a way Jay never could.

"Well, Jay, if there's one thing I want you take away from this session, it's this: We shouldn't have to carry around the ghosts of those we couldn't save. Every time you think of your mother, or times that, as a boy, you didn't step in to help her, I want you to say that."

Jay held Dr. Charles' gaze, the words resonating within him as they were repeated to him.

 _We shouldn't have to carry around the ghosts of those we couldn't save._

* * *

Erin sat at Hank's kitchen table, moving around the pasta on her plate. Though it looked and smelt delicious, her appetite just wasn't there.

When Voight had suggested that Lucy and Erin come round for dinner after their shift was over, it didn't take long for her to agree. Something about going back to that apartment made Erin feel sick, so her plan was to hide out at Hank's for as long as possible.

She'd told Lucy that morning that "daddy's just gonna stay with Uncle Will for a while. He's a bit sick, but when he's better, he'll be home." Of course Lucy didn't understand. Erin could see in her little blue eyes she was thinking he'd be back tomorrow. Erin didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

Erin toyed with the food on her place, in the moment mesmerised by it and the memory it inspired.

 _The sound of Erin's fork scraping the plate was all that could be heard in her apartment. She and Jay sat in silence as they ate - or more aptly, Erin ate and Jay stared into space._

 _Erin frowned and looked down as she spoke. "You haven't touched your pasta."_

 _"I'm not hungry." Jay replied monotonously._

 _If she thought she'd get a decent response out of him, she'd point out that he hadn't been hungry for the past week. The only appetite he seemed to have was for a neat whisky. But she bit back the words and simply shovelled another mouthful of food into her mouth._

 _It was like looking at a ghost. It was as though he was an empty shell - she could see the old him behind his eyes but everything else was gone._

 _As he stared off into space, she wished she knew what was breaking him. She wondered if she could help, or if it was going to be like watching a car crash happen in slow motion. The thought made her sick, and in the moment she vowed to seek professional help as soon as possible. Before he disappeared altogether._

"Lucy's a real good girl." Hank's gruff voice broke through Erin's cloudy headspace. "Unlike her mother who hasn't touched her food."

"No ice-cream for mama." Lucy laughed, smearing pasta across her lips.

"That's right." Hank agreed. "More for Luce and Grandpa, then."

Erin watched Voight, how his eyes lit up when Lucy spoke or he couldn't contain a single smile. It was nice seeing him like this. It made her heart warm.

When the doorbell rang, the sight of Hank shovelling food into Lucy's extended mouth was too cute to interrupt.

"I'll get it." Erin offered, getting up from the table. When she approached the front door and opened it, she felt herself at a little loss for words.

"Hey." Jay said. He looked exhausted.

"What are you doing here?" Erin's tone came out soft. She'd built up anger and destruction over the day, but something about him just made her entirely soft.

"I don't wanna ruin your night. I just wanted to see her for a little while."

Erin couldn't fault his love for his daughter. And she could hate him all she wanted for walking out, but he still showed up.

"Sure. Of course." She let him in and closed the door behind. He hovered awkwardly, and she understood that he hadn't been in Hank's house before the accident. He was a stranger there.

She let him into the kitchen and waited for Lucy to catch a glimpse of him and explode.

"Daddy!" She screamed, chomping on the last piece of pasta.

"Hey!" He said, enthusiasm bursting from his smile. He picked up Lucy from her chair and spun her around a little, before bouncing her on his hip and landing a few kisses on her cheek.

Erin wrapped her arms around herself as she hung in the doorway. The sight simultaneously made her heart swell and broke it a little, too. After a second, she caught Hank's gaze. She was grateful for the look of strength he gave her.

"Still sick, daddy?" Lucy asked.

Jay faltered for a second, but quickly got up to speed. "Yeah. Not for long, though, I hope."

"I miss you." She sang, pulling on the hem of his shirt.

"I miss you, too." Erin tried to catch out any falsity in his tone, but failed to find any. She wanted him to be the villain, but she knew the day she'd met him that he was the hero.

"Mama misses you, as well." Lucy babbled, pointing over to Erin.

Jay turned to see Erin. No matter what happened, there was still something between them. An unspoken language flittered between them.

"I miss her, too." Jay said, this time with bare, raw, emotion.

Erin looked away, afraid her eyes would glaze over from the intensity of it. Her mind was so conflicted, she didn't know how to feel.

* * *

When it was getting later, Jay knew it was his time to go. He kissed into Lucy's hair several times, telling her he'd see her again soon. Then his eyes found Erin. He thought maybe she could feel it too; that aching to hold the other close. The ring on his finger meant that he could kiss her whenever he wanted, pull her close and hold her for as long as they both needed. But life just wasn't that fair. So instead he was left with muttering a goodbye from across the room.

As he left, Hank followed him out to the porch. They stood in silence for a moment.

"I hope you know what you're doing." Hank said, an ominous tone seeping through.

"No, I don't." Jay murmured. "But I'm trying to fix the mess I made and I think this is how to do it."

Hank held his gaze a second longer before turning to go back in the house. As he did, Jay called out.

"I hate myself for what I did to her." They both knew he was talking about the marks on Erin's neck. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to make it up to her, but I'm never gonna stop trying."

Hank's expression looked akin to something reminiscent of respect. He nodded at Jay before turning to leave again. "Get some rest, Halstead."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

The next few days passed like that, in a similar fashion. Jay would swing by to see Lucy, he and Erin would share a few awkward glances and they'd each spend the night alone. She wanted to ask him about therapy, but then always decided against it, thinking it was something personal he wouldn't want to share. After all, the last time they had sex he tried to strangle her, she'd barely touched him in four days, and he wasn't even living there. It wasn't like they were exactly the epitome of a married couple right now.

On Friday night, Hank offered to take Lucy, saying he'd also get in contact with Jay and tell him about the change of plans. Erin was grateful for the offer, and took the rare night alone to call Kim and suggest they get drunk and watch trash TV.

By 9.30pm, both were hogging bottles of vodka with Keeping up with the Kardashians playing monotonously in the background.

"Remember back when you could pick up a guy at a bar and then kick him out the next day? No commitment, no ugliness…"

"There was always a lot of ugliness for me." Kim grunted.

"No, I'm serious. There was no baggage or complications." She slurred her words a little from the alcoholic buzz.

"So you want a one-night stand?"

"Yes!" Erin exclaimed. "But I want it with Jay. And then I want him to move back in and act like a husband and father again."

Kim removed her lips from the vodka bottle, her eyes a little hazy. "I don't think you're describing a one-night stand.

With being a mother, Erin found that her alcohol tolerance had dramatically changed. She always joked that she and Jay had turned into fifty year olds, one glass of wine hitting them by 8pm when they were ready for bed. So with a mix of vodka, tequila and beer, by 11.00pm Erin was certifiably wasted. As was Kim.

"He still loves you, though!" Kim blurted.

Erin snorted. "Please. The last time he told me that was before the accident, back when he still remembered that we had a life together."

"Did you even see the way he looked at you back when you were just partners?! He's been in love with you for like, always."

Erin rolled her head as she stretched out her limbs on the couch. She felt a little dizzy, the alcohol hitting her every few moments.

"He didn't love me." She snorted. "That was just sexual desire. Wouldn't mind some of that right now, though. It's like…. It's like he can't even look at me."

"He'll be fine. I can't look at Adam most nights and we're still good."

They both erupted in laughter. Eventually, that faded, and Erin felt nothing. She didn't understand how fast everything had changed. How she'd lost it all before she could blink.

"I wanna watch the wedding video." She blurted, stumbling off the sofa and dropping to eye level with her DVD collection.

"Come on," Kim reasoned. "That's just gonna make you sad."

Erin scanned across the shelves. There was a spot they always kept it in, always, and it wasn't there. She looked through all the shelves anyway, in case it had been moved. But, nada.

"S'not here." She rambled, looking disheartened. Then it hit her - rationality and sobriety. Her head became clearer and sober thoughts filled her head all of a sudden.

She whipped her head round to Kim and couldn't help but smile. "He took it. He took the wedding DVD. That means something, right?"

"Of course it does!"

Maybe it meant everything, maybe it meant nothing at all. But this was the smallest bit of hope Erin had, and she wasn't about to let go of it.

* * *

Jay sat on Will's couch, picking at the beer label in his hands. Seeing Lucy had given him momentary happiness, but it didn't change the fact he was sleeping alone. Talking to Dr. Charles over the past couple of days had really taken it out of him, and though the progress felt good, it was exhausting reliving every bad thing that had ever happened to him.

Every now and then, when alone and the air was quiet, Jay would give himself a headache trying to remember something. It seemed unfathomable to him that such an important chunk of his life just wiped itself from his brain. He found himself researching it whenever he could, trying to find some kind of an explanation. At times he got angry at the universe for what had happened - angry at how it wasn't only his life that was crumbling around him, but Erin and Lucy's, too. It didn't seem fair.

On a whim in the dark, Jay decided to do something reckless. He grabbed his duffel from the side of the couch and pulled out something at the very bottom - something he still felt bad for taking. He turned the wedding DVD over in his hands and finally decided to put it in the DVD player.

The fuzzy image calibrated and transpired after the place he'd last seen it. He watched himself relentlessly fix his tie and run his hand through his hair, clearly nervous. It took him back to something he hadn't thought about in a long time.

 _He stood in front of the mirror, tugging at the tie that was now probably stretched out beyond use. He scrunched up his face as he undid it again, pulling at it mercilessly as he grunted at his reflection._

 _He didn't even want to go to the prom. Why was he going to the prom?_

 _"Need a little help, hun?" His mom asked, watching him from the doorway._

 _Jay turned, gave his mother an exasperated look. She tossed him a knowing smile and turned him around fully, moving to knot his tie with ease. As she worked, she took in the nerves he must've been projecting._

 _"How are you feeling?" She asked tentatively._

 _"i'd feel a lot better if I wasn't being strangled all night." He grunted, then immediately felt bad for snapping at her like that. He gave her a consolatory look which she took gladly._

 _"I thought your father was going to teach you how to tie a tie?" She asked absently. Jay didn't even try to disguise the eye roll he gave out. His dad was also supposed to teach him how to shave and drive a car. He conveniently skipped out on those two, too. Thankfully, as things often were in the Halstead home, it was dropped._

 _"Well," His mother started up again, quickly. "I can show you. We've gotta have you tying your own tie at your wedding, right?"_

 _Jay rolled his eyes again, this one playfully. He was sure she brought it up to mess with him, knowing he was more of a loner than either of them cared to admit._

 _She finished with his tie, pressing it against his shirt and smiling up at him._

 _"And then, of course, you'll have to show your own sons how to-"_

 _"It's just prom, mom." Jay reminded her with a smile. "Can we save the talk on marriage and kids at least 'til I graduate?"_

 _She beamed, and he watched as her eyes seemed to well up a little. She always did cry at milestones in her sons' lives. She pinched his cheeks and smoothed down his hair._

 _"You're growing up too fast, Jay." She said. "But I am so proud of the young man you're becoming."_

 _Jay wrapped his arms around her. "Hey, save something for your toast at the wedding, alright?"_

He blinked back tears. He wondered what transpired on the days leading up the wedding. Had he told Erin that she was always waiting for that day? Did he mention her in his toast? Did they visit her gravestone? The questions flooded through his head and inspired a sharp migraine.

He watched as the music started and everyone formally took their place. He watched as the best day of his life was replayed to him through a screen.

Erin looked incredible. Not that she didn't always, but with her hair twisted up and the perfect dress, he could see how easy it was to fall in love with her. He watched her walk down the aisle, and the vicar telling everyone to take their seats. And that's where he shut it off.

Instead of feeling happy or uplifted, he just felt broken.

And so he fell asleep that night with nothing but the thought of what it must've been like to say 'I do' to Erin Lindsay.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A huge, huge, huge thank you to all of you continuing to read and review this story. I'm incredibly excited about this, and upcoming, chapters and I'm incredibly grateful a number of you have stayed with this. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

The weekend past in the blink of an eye. Erin felt herself plummeting a little, not knowing what to do or what to say to make anything okay. It felt as though she was living someone else's life, and it was getting harder and harder to do so.

On Sunday night, Jay dropped by. He got the usual greeting from Lucy; a giant hug and peppered kisses over his face. He also got the usual greeting from Erin; a taut smile and a second of eye contact.

As Lucy and Jay played together, Erin's eyes glazed over him. He'd grown out his facial hair a little, and his eyes still had that tired redness. She couldn't help but think that what would be good for him - what he needed - was his family.

She knew where on a back rub to apply pressure to make his muscles relax. She knew how he took his coffee and how he liked his steak. She knew where to kiss his neck to make him moan and where was ticklish. She knew everything about him, but was powerless to even touch him.

When she finally forced herself to fully take him in, she ached at the sight. The shirt he had on meant something to him. It meant something to her, too.

 _Erin frowned in front of the mirror, not even trying to silence her groans of frustration. She felt huge. And as much as she'd been putting it off, standing in front of the mirror unable to button her jeans, Erin was finally going to have to admit pregnancy had altered her body._

 _Her blood boiled as she strained the material, trying to stretch it across her stomach. The attempt proved futile, though, and instead only infuriated her._

 _"Are you ready? We're gonna be late." Jay said as he walked in the room. He saw the look on Erin's face and immediately reacted. "What's wrong?"_

 _"What's wrong is that I'm the size of Texas and nothing fits me!"_

 _Jay's eyes went to her stomach and the corner of his lip twitched in a smile. She felt overcome with anger and, though a small part of her knew it was just the hormones, she still couldn't stop the emotions bubbling at the surface._

 _"This isn't funny, Jay!"_

 _"Come on, you knew this was gonna happen eventually. You're pregnant, your body's gonna change." Erin didn't even look at him. It didn't stop his efforts. "Don't you have a bigger pair of jeans?"_

 _"These are my favourite jeans!" She said, knowing it sounded ridiculous but feeling emotional about it anyway._

 _"Just wear-"_

 _She cut him off. "No!" Her eyes went absently to his torso and another argument found her mind. "See, you're wearing that stupid shirt you love so much. What if all of a sudden it didn't fit? Wouldn't you be angry?"_

 _Jay sighed. "Do you want me to change my shirt?"_

 _"God, Jay, no! I just want a bit of empathy, okay?!"_

 _"Okay!" Jay said back. He watched Erin with subtle amusement as she stood there in unfastened jeans and waited, as though the weight she'd gained would just fall off her body._

 _"Can't you wear sweatpants?"_

 _Erin gave him an incredulous look. "Sweatpants? To work? Gee, why don't I give that a go."_

 _"Well, by the looks of it, you're going in your underwear, so what do you wanna do?"_

 _Erin glared at him. A couple of weeks ago he'd taken her to get maternity clothes. She'd rejected everything, annoyed at how glaring all the outfits were. She also didn't want to believe that pretty soon she'd balloon up so big nothing would fit her._

 _As Erin stepped out of her jeans, she mumbled something as they pooled at her feet._

 _"What?" Jay asked, not catching what she'd muttered._

 _Erin rolled her eyes. "I need maternity jeans." She murmured monotonously. She hated admitting Jay was right when all her hormones were at their regular levels, much less when she was so emotional that she could drop to tears at a commercial with a sick puppy in it._

 _Jay nodded, like he knew they'd eventually come to this conclusion all along. He headed for the closet, speaking as he did so._

 _"It's a good job I went back into the store the other day and got you these, then." He pulled out a pair of dark jeans. Apart from the thick band of elastic at the waist, they were a good match to her favourite pair._

 _He handed them over and the minute she had them in her grip, Erin clutched them to her chest and had tears in her eyes. It took everything he had not to chuckle._

 _"You went back?" She asked, her voice the complete antithesis to anger._

 _Jay nodded before stepping closer and enveloping her in a close hold. He smiled as he felt her blubber into his shirt, knowing how temperamental her mood swings had been lately._

 _"I'm sorry I yelled."_

 _"It's okay."_

 _"I'm sorry I called your shirt stupid."_

 _He laughed. "That's okay, too."_

Erin gulped and looked away, the memory becoming too vivid. When Lucy ran off to her room to retrieve some more toys, Erin took the awkward silence between her and Jay to make conversation.

"How have you been sleeping?" She asked, cautious to know the answer.

"Better." He remarked.

They shared a pained smile. It was all forced. Lucy returned and Erin looked away again, before quietly excusing herself and heading to the bathroom. She closed the door behind her and took a few breaths.

In that bathroom, she'd shared a lot of memories with him. Some from years ago, the most recent from a mere week ago. It came back to her in vivid waves.

She splashed some cold water on her face and looked back at her reflection. Her eyes then went down to her left hand. She turned the ring on her finger, willing herself to remember what it meant. It was a commitment. It meant she was all in. She needed to remember that.

When she walked back into the living room, mayhem was unfolding. Lucy's bright red face, yelling, and throwing of toys was a classic tantrum. Not exactly unheard of in the Halstead home - Lucy was getting to the stage where she could be a sweetheart one minute and infuriating the next.

But to Erin's annoyance, Jay was sat on the sofa doing relatively nothing.

She heard him say the dull words, "Lucy, stop," repeatedly, but when would such words ever have such an effect on a four year old?

"Hey." Erin barked, sweeping across the room to Lucy to pull the toys from her hand. "What have I told you about throwing?!" When Lucy hit Erin hard with a Barbie, it was time to step up the punishment. "That's it, you're having a time out. Now." She said with control that had been eventually mastered. She picked up Lucy and amongst her screaming and tears, heard Jay say something, though she couldn't quite catch what it was.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Lucy shouted, hitting at Erin's shoulder as she got carried away. The sound found a place in Erin's head, another memory flowing through her relentlessly.

 _Lucy, small and delicate as she was, had lashed out in a fit of rage and knocked everything from the coffee table - including several glasses and toys. After relentless screaming and yelling, Erin and Jay shared the solemn, 'It's time to discipline our kid' look. Jay tensed his jaw and effortlessly picked up Lucy, Erin hot on his tails._

 _They strode their way into her room, trying to hold onto their sanity in the midst of her cries, and Jay sat her on the end of her bed. She was still so small that her legs dangled from the edge, her tiny form barely making an impression on the mattress._

 _"You're staying here for four minutes, Lucy." Erin told her daughter. "Maybe then you can be a big girl and say you're sorry."_

 _Lucy clung onto Jay's hand as he tried to walk away, leaving him no alternative but to pry her fingers off him. Erin watched him follow her out and knew it was breaking her to see it as much as it was her._

 _He pressed the door closed behind the two of them, muffling Lucy's crying somehow. He let out a deep sigh and relaxed against the door._

 _A mere minute passed before Jay began to crack._

 _"I think we should go back in there."_

 _"Jay!" Erin said._

 _"She's three, Erin, she's got no concept of time! For all she knows its been four minutes."_

 _Erin rolled her eyes. Of course she wanted to go in there and hug her daughter and stop with the cruel aspect of parenting. But she was trying to build a foundation and she needed Jay's support._

 _"We can't give in."_

 _"But it's like the cage in there, Erin."_

 _She chuckled. Lucy's baby pink walls and Princess Jasmine posters bared no resemblance to their morally-ambiguous work area stained with blood and threats._

 _"You really wanna leave our daughter in the cage?" He said. "Come on-"_

 _"No, Jay, we can't. The book says-"_

 _Jay faltered a little, creasing his brow. "What book?"_

 _Erin tried to tighten her mouth and suppress a smile. But the look of Jay grinning was too much. He stepped closer to her, and let the grin light up the room._

 _"You've been reading parenting books."_

 _"It's just this one book that Dawson gave to me, okay? It's… It's got some interesting stuff in there."_

 _"Uh-huh." Jay clicked his tongue, the smile taking over his face. It was contagious, and soon Erin trying with everything she had not to give him the satisfaction of seeing her smile._

 _"I just don't wanna screw her up, okay?" Erin said, letting Jay see all her fears behind her eyes._

 _He looked down at her with brazen confidence. "We won't."_

 _Erin didn't look so sure. "Did you see what went down a minute ago?"_

 _"She had a tantrum. Voight says it'll happen all the time. It's not like she's selling cocaine on the street or inviting all the kids from daycare round to trash the place."_

 _Erin waited until she finished, a victorious smile reaching her lips. "Voight says?"_

 _Jay rolled his eyes, but the smile remained on his lips. "Okay, so I asked Hank a couple of questions. It's no big deal."_

 _Erin chuckled. "You're as worried about screwing her up as I am."_

 _Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulder as the two counted down their daughter's timeout. "Well, at least we're in this together."_

She remembered it clear as day, despite Lucy yelling in her ear.

Erin pushed open Lucy's bedroom door, using all her strength to wrestle against her freakishly strong daughter. She heard Jay's meek voice behind her.

"Erin, did you want me to-"

She turned back to look at him, out of breath and annoyed. "I think it'd be best if you just left."


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey there! Thanks for sticking around... Welcome to chapter 16!**

 **To the guest who asked, I'm not sure how many more chapters this story will be. I have written the basic ending which is another 23,000 words, but I have a little more to add to that as I go along to get it precisely how I want it. I definitely don't see it going any longer than thirty chapters, but I can't be any more precise than that, really. Thank you for asking and having an interest!**

 **I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

By Monday morning, Erin really wasn't in the mood for all the crap life was throwing at her. She was tired of waking up cold and alone. She was tired of just making enough coffee for one in the morning and watching TV alone. And she definitely was tired of having to deal with a moody four-year old at 8AM.

"No!" Lucy yelled, folding her arms across her chest and turning away from Erin. "I want daddy!"

Erin dropped her head. They were already late for daycare and Erin hadn't had her morning coffee yet. She definitely wasn't in the mood to fight with a four-year old about putting boots on.

"Lucy." Erin said through gritted teeth, trying to get her to stop wiggling.

"I want daddy to do it! I want daddy!" She chanted. The words echoed in Erin's head. She wanted to tell her daughter that she, too, wanted him back. That if it was as simple as wanting, he'd be right there with them.

"Daddy's still sick, Lucy. And we're gonna be late, so I need you to-"

"Where's daddy?! Where's daddy?!" Lucy shouted, loud enough to rouse the headache Erin had been trying to keep under wraps. She understood completely, knowing the Lucy hadn't ever gone this long without him. Neither had Erin. But she was trying to keep going, though it was getting more and more difficult.

"Daddy's at Uncle Will's and you'll see him later. Now come on."

Erin finally managed to get her boots on and hauled Lucy into her arms. She was not in the mood for any more tantrums.

* * *

Her mood, volatile as it was, seemed to only worsen when she got to the precinct. While there was a gentle hum to the air, and it was good to see her co-workers after a long weekend, there was something different. And the minute she saw it, it was as though she got punched in the stomach.

Jay and Voight walked out of his office. The former took to his desk, the latter preparing to make an announcement.

"Alright. Effective today Halstead is back in. It's a little premature so for the next two weeks he's off anything intensely physical, but for the most part he's back. Atwater, I want you to partner up with him."

Erin kept her eyes on Jay, watching as he finally noticed in her and gave her a sheepish look. He waited a few seconds for Hank to clear the room before standing up.

"Can I talk to you?" He said gently, eyes on Erin.

She paused a second before nodding, just dropping her coat off on her desk before following him into the break room.

"Coffee?" He asked, but Erin declined. She didn't want small talk with Jay, she wanted a life with him.

"So you're back." She commented, trying to sound happy.

"Yeah. Not properly, but… I need to get out of the house." He tried to joke, but it fell flat. A few seconds passed before he spoke again, and Erin really wished he hadn't. "Look, I was thinking about tonight… Maybe I shouldn't swing by."

"What?"

"After last night…"

"You're walking out again?" Erin scoffed. "Jesus, just when I think you can't hit a new low you manage throw something even better at me."

"I'm trying to make your life as easy as possible."

Erin felt anger swallow her. "You're looking for a way out. She was calling for you this morning, Jay. I don't know what to keep telling her. In fact, I'm pretty tired of being the bad guy all the time. You might wanna try it for a second."

There was a pain in his eyes, and though she hated seeing it, she hated how he continued to tear their family apart.

"Tell me what you want, Erin."

"You know what I want!" She exclaimed. "And you want the exact opposite!"

"I'm trying my best!" He shouted back. She watched the veins pulse in his neck, the way his eyes seemed deep set and heavy. "I'm doing what I can for a family that…" His voice trailed off as he cooled down a little. But Erin's hadn't.

"A family that what?" She demanded. "A family that isn't yours?"

"I never said that." He said quickly.

"You didn't have to." She spat. "You act like… Like you don't even want this. Like this isn't your life."

"I know this is my life! I'm reminded every second. That I'm not a good enough husband, a good enough father. I'm living in the shadow of who I used to be!"

By the end of it, they were both close to tears. She was pretty sure they'd attracted attention from their entire unit but she didn't really care. They were at the breaking point.

Before she could utter another word, Erin felt hands on her shoulders. She took it as a wake up call and turned to see Antonio behind her. She took a deep breath before walking out and heading to the locker room to cool off.

* * *

Hank took Jay for a drive. It was a slow day and he left Antonio to deal with the paperwork they had lying around.

Though Jay was never scared of Voight, there was something that made Jay cautious around him. So sitting alone with his boss as they drove around Chicago wasn't exactly a field day for Jay.

They didn't speak for the first five minutes, for which Jay was grateful. He relived his conversation with Erin and, again, felt pummelled with guilt. There she was, giving him everything he knew he wanted, and still he couldn't take it. He wanted her to know that he was trying to do the best thing, to fix himself so he could fix them, but he couldn't express it how he wanted to .

"Believe it or not, we're almost friends now, Halstead." Voight finally said, eyes hard on the road. "You come to the club sometimes, shoot a little pool, share a little whisky. You called me up at 3am a week after Lucy was born, afraid that her shallow breathing meant there was something wrong with her."

Jay mulled over the words. He couldn't really visualise that; getting to a place where Hank was something of a mentor to him. But he'd been told a lot of things that didn't seem realistic.

"The point is, we talk. And I understand what you're going through."

Jay sighed, watching the passing traffic. "I wish she did."

Voight stayed silent for a few moments, choosing his words carefully. "You know, one day, back when Erin was sixteen and just moved into my house, she caught me and Camille in the middle of a fight. It was a big one. I don't remember what it was about, but I remember I was sleeping on the couch for a week. One night, after a day of silent treatment from Camille, Erin said that wasn't what she wanted. Didn't wanna get married, didn't want kids, didn't want the hassle. She kept that attitude for over ten years."

That didn't surprise Jay - the Erin he knew always gave off lone-wolf vibes.

"When she told me that you two were getting serious - that she found a ring in your drawer - she said something changed. Don't know what it was or how it happened, but from that day on she did think it was worth the hassle."

Jay sucked in a breath. "This is an all new kind of hassle."

"I think you need to give her a little more credit." Hank said, and something about the words stuck in Jay's head.

They drove around town a little more before Jay recognised the cemetery they were driving into. He furrowed his brow and held his tongue until Voight pulled up into a space.

"Why are we here?" He asked.

Voight switched off the ignition and gave Jay a hint of a sad smile. "You need some space from your wife. I need some time with mine."

Jay looked ahead to the rows of gravestones, knowing that amongst them was Camille Voight's. Jay said nothing, but the magnitude of Hank's words didn't leave him.

While Voight opened his door and was ready to step out, his paused for a moment before looking back to Jay.

"You know, Jay," He started slowly, the tone of an aged father offering his son sage advice. "You can blow this up in your head as much as you want, but the way I look at it, you're still the same people you were when you met. Remember that. She's still that person, and so are you."

As Hank left, retrieving a bunch of roses from his trunk and heading out into the muddy fields, something finally, after all this time, relaxed in Jay's head. He finally let himself just breathe.

* * *

When they returned to the precinct, Erin refused to look at him. She spoke hardly at all, only when necessary, and rarely loud enough for Jay to catch most of it.

There was something so surreal about it: sitting at his desk, looking straight over at her's with all these years between them. Every so often he'd look down at his ring just to remind himself. Because apart from the few lines on her face and ever-present mothering sternness, she was just Erin Lindsay, the partner he worshipped.

By five, he'd been updating himself on their recent cases, known gangs in the area, and his new current CIs enough to give him a headache. Voight gave them the go-ahead to call it a day, which everyone took as a sign to sigh with tire and prepare to go. All except Erin.

Jay closed to programmes on his computer and was seconds away from logging off before the desktop picture took hold of him. It was his family, smiling into the lens of a camera with such joy it didn't seem real. He'd never seen Erin with a bigger smile. He'd never seen himself with one. He took a final, monumental look up at Erin with Hank's advice floating around in his head.

* * *

Erin declined the offers of her unit to go and get a drink, despite the fact alcohol would settle nicely in her stomach right about now. She gave smiles of consolation and promised they'd catch up at Molly's soon enough, but as soon as the room had cleared she let that smile drop.

Jay declined the drink too, but accepted the comments of, 'I'm glad you're back' and 'It wasn't the same without you' like a champ.

Erin watched him cautiously as he headed for the locker room and let out a sigh. She had clothes in her locker she needed to get, but really didn't want a confrontation with him. She was afraid the words he had for her would be ones of finality - words she wasn't yet ready to hear. She then reminded herself that she was too old to play games and, as much as it hurt, she couldn't keep dragging it out.

She walked into the locker room slowly, letting out an audible gulp as she saw Jay filing through his locker. With his back to her, it was easier to say the words that made her want to vomit.

"Is this marriage over?" She asked, her voice shaky.

Jay turned quickly. Looking at his face definitely didn't help her emotions. She was both infuriated and infatuated with him.

He creased his brow and looked down at his feet. It would've terrified her, had he not looked up with a smile that could take away every thought from her head.

"Will you go to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

Erin creased her brow. That boyish look was back, a charm that even on her worst night can make her swoon.

"Like… Like a date?" She asked, confused at how everything had shifted. It must've been in the speech Hank inevitably gave him.

Jay nodded, something sparkling in his eye. "It blows me away, looking at our life together. But one of the things I've been thinking about since the day we met was taking you out on a date."

She smiled. She felt years younger, alive and full of flirty banter that she reserved solely for her partner. There wasn't the strain of life on their backs, there was just them.

"I've gotta warn you, I'm tough to please."

"Don't I know it." He quipped.

She unconsciously moved a step closer to him, as though there was a magnetic pull that took hold of her. She licked her lower lip before looking back up to him again. He looked just like he did all those years ago, and in the moment, she forgot about their fight, about the fact he was sleeping somewhere else, that he strangled her in his sleep and that he even got into the accident in the first place. It was just him and her in the room she fell in love with him.

"You know, we never actually had an official first date." With them sneaking around, 'dates' consisted of hiding out in one of their apartments. And she didn't count those.

He seemed to glow a little at the information, and it caught Erin a little off guard. The thought back to his earlier words, how he saw himself as a shadow of his former self, and understood a relief in him to not have to live up to some expectation. Understanding that felt like progress.

"It's good to know your expectations are low, then." He said. She watched as his eyes flickered momentarily to her lips. She felt alive.

"If anything, they're exceptionally high." Her voice became lower and she couldn't control the silky smile that graced her lips. "Better bring your A-game Halstead."

"I always do, Lindsay."

She bit down on her lips as she smiled, feeling like she was back in a time where even one look from him could make her day. When she was happy and free and his.

The headache in her head finally eased. She smiled for the first time in days. And for the first time in a while, things didn't hurt so much.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you to everyone reviewing, it means the world!**

 **Charmita - I appreciate your concern, but fear not! That topic will be addressed in this chapter (and made a little more obvious in the next chapter). Thank you for your insightful reviews - they're always great to read!**

 **Hope you guys enjoy!**

* * *

That night and the following day past like a summer breeze. She felt content, like the storm inside her was finally settling a little. She kept reliving the look on his face - the look where he, for maybe the first time since the accident, looked hopeful.

By the time the evening came around, she felt nerves flutter in her stomach. It was something she rarely experienced - especially given that Jay was the first person to have that effect on her - but she welcomed the feeling. She'd take that amalgamation of excitement and fear over sadness and loneliness any day.

She pulled at the dress, pushing it a bit further down her hips then adjusting it again by her arms. Erin exhaled a low breath and looked herself up and down as she turned to the side. Her hair was in soft waves and her makeup simple and smokey.

"Mama preeeeetty." Lucy cooed from the bedroom door, carrying her stuffed elephant in one hand and a sippy cup in the other.

Kim then followed her in, putting her hands on the youngster's shoulders. She then looked Erin up and down. "Mama's smokin'. You sure you don't want me to take Lucy to mine, tonight? If it goes well, you're gonna want the place to yourselves."

"I'm not expecting it to go that well," Erin remarked, another mental reminder to keep her expectations low for the evening. Lucy trotted up to her and Erin scooped her up in her arms. "Plus, you know me. I don't give it up on the first date." She said, hitching an eyebrow at Kim.

"Erin, this is like your hundredth date."

"For all intents and purposes, this is our first date."

"Okay," Kim said, appeasing. "Whatever you say."

Erin turned back to look at herself in the mirror, Lucy's absently playing with her hair. She took a deep breath and tried to not look at the marks on her neck. Faded as they were, she still couldn't detract focus from them. And she knew, the minute Jay caught a glimpse of the discoloured skin, a distance would stretch between them.

Kim observed the glance and took action. "Here, let me try." With determination and a steady hand, Kim applied various concealers and powders until finally, barely anything remained. "There you go. Just try and stay in dim lighting and you should be fine."

Erin breathed a sigh of relief, throwing Kim the most grateful look she could. "Thank you."

Just as Erin proceeded to take a final, satisfied look at herself in the mirror, Lucy's hand slipped. The sippy cup tipped and somehow, despite the flawless mechanics of the plastic container, tipped its contents down the front of Erin's dress.

"Oh my god," Erin groaned. She looked in horror at the dress, then further horror at Kim when she heard a soft knocking at the door. "Is that him? He's early!"

"Mama wet." Lucy giggled from her side.

Kim, cool headed as she was, intervened and reached Lucy from her mother's grasp, before popping her back on the floor.

"I'll grab the door, you grab another dress."

Erin gritted her teeth as she undid the zip. "I don't have another dress." She groaned as it pooled on the floor around her. She stepped out of it, nerves hitting her when she heard the door open and the quiet, polite greeting Jay had offered.

After racing to her wardrobe and quickly flicking through the array of clothes she'd already rejected, Erin was seconds from losing hope. Then her hands went to the soft material of a dress she hadn't worn in years. Even without looking she knew what it was - she'd felt the material of it a lot that night. So had Jay.

 _Driving back from drinks with Gabby and Kim, Erin felt deflated. She'd ended up having one glass of wine before deciding to call it a night and head home. She didn't feel like sitting there, faking a smile and making small talk. Not when her boyfriend was drowning in his own torment and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She'd tried to enjoy herself - wearing a new dress that made her feel good about herself for the first time in months, doing her hair and makeup so she felt presentable. But none of it worked._

 _When she saw his car parked outside their apartment, she felt something inside her sink._

 _She hadn't had a proper conversation with him in weeks, and he'd barely looked at her in days. Her heart broke at even picturing him up there alone. She wanted him back to how he used to be. She wanted that more than anything._

 _She made her way up to the apartment, hovering a moment outside before letting herself in. When she did, everything hit her at once. Candles littered the apartment, glowing softly and casting shadows on the wall. The place was tidy and the bottles of beer that he'd collected over time had been taken out. She looked to him, noticing everything different. First, he'd shaved. Not completely bare - he'd left some stubble - but enough to show her that he'd made an effort. He was wearing a clean shirt. And most impressively, he wasn't crumpled on the couch staring into space._

 _"Hi." He said, standing awkwardly in the middle of the apartment._

 _"Hi." She said, stepping in and throwing the door closed. "What is this?"_

 _"I asked Kim and Gabby to take you out so I could…" He looked around at the candles. Then he turned back to Erin._

 _He kept his eyes locked on hers for a few seconds. She watched as he ached to tell her something. He couldn't find the words though, and instead dropped his gaze to her body._

 _She felt nervous as he took her in. It had been months since he'd touched her in a sexual capacity and she was starting to think that maybe the attraction was just gone. But the way he looked at her in the moment told her it was very much back._

 _"You look…" His eyes had life to them, animated and awake. She watched as he swallowed and stepped closer to her. "I mean…"_

 _The words faded into nothing and she didn't care. She could hear his voice in the words - that old voice of her partner, not the monotonous tone of a broken man._

 _"Thanks." She whispered, watching as he stopped a careful distance away from her. "You look… Better."_

 _His eyes fluttered for a moment, his mind running laps. "I wanted to… I mean, I need to tell you some things about…"_

 _In the silence, she could tell he was ready to talk to her, to tell her about the torment in his head. It felt like a dream - this was the moment she was waiting for and was beginning to give up hope that it would ever arrive._

 _"Good." She breathed._

 _He remained silent, rubbing the back of his neck and closing his eyes as he thought. When he opened them, they went back to her dress._

 _"Before you got here I knew exactly what I was gonna say, and now…"_

 _"What?" She whispered. She burned under his gaze, missing the way that felt. He always knew how to make her ache to be wanted._

 _His eyes met hers again. "I can't think when you look like that."_

 _She let go of her clutch and dropped it to the side table. She took slow steps towards him. "So don't think."_

 _She didn't know what was going on inside his head and she wasn't sure she'd ever fully understand. But what she did know was that even with his broken eyes and sad soul he was still the person she was in love with._

 _She carried on moving until they were face to face, so close she could feel him breathing. She didn't know what had changed and she didn't care. She hadn't felt her skin against his in so long and she missed it._

 _His hand found the side of her face. He traced her jaw with his thumb and she felt weak with anticipation. After a second passed and he didn't progress, she let her body move towards him and kiss him with everything she had. It was warm and familiar. It was everything._

 _When they broke apart he looked at her with realisation and longing. He touched her hair looked at the features of her face, as though memorising everything he could see. Erin's heart beat fast as he did. She kissed him again, harder this time and with more urgency. She kissed him as though if she didn't, he'd slip away again._

 _With her hands at either side of his neck, she curved her body against his and sighed when she felt his arms around her waist. She couldn't think or rationalise but she felt him awkwardly move them, back them both up against the wall._

 _She kissed him until it became hard to breathe. When she let him go she felt she was wearing too much and tried to unzip her dress from he body. The movement was awkward and sloppy but the high of him was getting to her head and she could barely think._

 _With cold fingertips he tried to help. She turned around and tried desperately to catch her breath while he worked. He tugged and pulled, battling with the stubborn zip._

 _"You got it?" She rasped. She wanted the taste of him again._

 _"Almost."_

 _He let out a solitary chuckle when he finally got it free and the sound was everything to her. She wanted to record it and play it for the rest of her was smiling when she turned back around, working quickly to latch back onto his mouth as she attempted to shimmy out the dress._

 _He blindly pulled it down her body as far as he could, leaving it to her to step out of along with her heels. His hands went tentatively to her bare waist and she felt the touch everywhere. She grabbed the material of his shirt to pull him close before the two stumbled blindly to the bedroom._

 _She fell down onto the bed and took him with her, the low light of the room illuminating his face. They breathed heavily into the space between one another, briefly breaking out of the euphoria._

 _His eyes were deep in hers. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I need you to know that, before we… Before…"_

 _She kissed him slowly with all the longing she'd bottled up over the recent months. She kissed him with forgiveness and understanding and love._

 _"I love you."_

 _He kissed her before replying. "I love you, too."_

She swallowed hard at the reflection in the mirror. That dress meant something. It gave her hope, and so felt undeniably appropriate for the night.

She quickly grabbed some shoes to match and shook that specific memory from her head. Another minute was tacked on to fluff out her hair and pop in some earrings, but at 6:57pm, Erin was ready to go.

She hesitantly and tentatively stepped out of her bedroom and into the living room. The minute she came into view, Jay's eyes averted from Lucy playing with her toys and to Erin. He got to his feet, nervous eyes looking her up and down.

"You look… I mean, you…"

"Yeah, you too." Erin said, not caring that the logic was lost from her words. He had on a plain white dress shirt and a black blazer, hands tucked into his accompanying pants. The dress shoes he wore were those from his wedding. She wondered if he was aware of that.

They stood in awkward admiration for a few more seconds before Kim broke them out of it.

"Well, have her back by eleven." She said.

Erin smiled, but she was pretty sure that was only because Jay had his dorky, half grin going on. She grabbed her clutch off the side and quickly jogged over to Lucy. She dropped herself to eye-level and planted a quick kiss on her forehead.

"I'll see you later, sweetie. Have a good night with aunt Kim."

Lucy barely looked up, engrossed in her toys but Erin smiled all the same. She then turned back to Jay, gave him the nervous smile she'd been holding in all day and followed him out.

* * *

"You're kidding." Jay choked out a laugh as he paused from cutting his steak.

They were on the other side of town, a place Erin never been to before. Jay had said he wanted somewhere that was new for both of them. She understood that.

"I swear to God," Erin said, belly laughing through the story. "Kevin clocks the guy round the chin, jaw wired shut. The look on Will's face when we got him to med was priceless."

Jay chuckled again before taking a sip from his wine. Erin stole a look at him and smiled. She finally felt relaxed. She felt at peace. Jay did, too.

"You know, I really missed you today." He said. She'd felt that, too. Being partnered with someone else just wasn't as smooth.

Erin looked up. "We make one hell of a team." She noted, letting her eyes graze his for a little longer before looking away.

"I miss being out in the field, too." He mused out loud, and Erin understood. When she was pregnant, Jay and Hank had to practically tie her to her desk to stop her coming to vest up.

"At least you're back, though." Erin said, trying to stay optimistic. He nodded.

"Yeah. And Dr. Charles said it might not be long before he clears me and I'm back to full duty."

The thought alone made Erin nervous. But then she reminded herself that she didn't know what went on in those sessions, what kind of progress was being made.

She took a bite, chewing on it a little longer than necessary before asking her next question. "How's it going with Dr. Charles?"

Jay looked reluctant to answer. She was about to tell him it didn't matter, that he didn't need to tell her, but he spoke up before she could.

"It's hard, reliving everything." He murmured. "But I heard a car backfire earlier and didn't even flinch. I know that sounds ridiculous, but-"

"No," She interjected. She let a comforting smile dance across her lips. "It sounds like progress."

* * *

They ended up at Molly's after the meal. Erin was reluctant, asking if he wanted somewhere a little more low-key. She knew there would be people flooding him with smiles and well wishes, and it didn't slip her mind that such a welcome might be overwhelming.

But Jay insisted that he was waiting for the day he could take her there in the parameters of a date, and wanted nothing more than to grab a beer and sit in the corner talking about everything and nothing.

"Here 'ya go buddy, on the house." Herrmann told Jay as he handed him two beers, then flashing a friendly smile to Erin.

"Thanks, man." Jay said, studying the aged Herrmann without seeming too intrusive. He gave a curt smile before turning to give Erin her beer and swiftly led them to a table in the back.

They sank into their seats and fell into an easy silence. While he took in the familiar surroundings, Erin stole a few short seconds to really look at him. His cuts and bruises had faded to nearly nothing, which she couldn't deny steadied the worrying in her a little. She ached to know more about his time in therapy, but forced herself not to go there. They were on a date, they were making progress. She didn't want to ruin that.

"This place hasn't changed much, huh?" Erin said, following Jay's eyes around the room.

Jay smiled. "Not even a little. It feels good to be back."

Jay's eyes then went to Erin. He blinked softly and had a smile so warm she felt the heat of it. It was times like these that she couldn't believe he didn't remember the life they'd built together. How could he look at her with so much love and yet not feel it?

A bowl of peanuts sat between them, and as Erin dipped her hand into the bowl, Jay found himself making a comment before thinking.

"I think you're cut off." He said, smiling as he dragged the bowl from her reach. "We don't want a repeat of last time."

Erin's face fell slack. She knew the memory. Sometime last year while Lucy was at Hank's and the unit was at Molly's, Erin found herself drinking a little too much and after stuffing herself with too many peanuts, Jay was the one watching her blow salty chunks in the bathroom later that night.

"You remember that?" She asked, eyes wide.

Jay creased his face a little, eyes down. She watched as he traced his brain for the memory. But whatever image was once in his head had been quickly swept away. He dropped his expression.

"No." He said, hoarse. "You must've told me about it."

She hadn't. She was almost positive. "I don't think-"

"I don't remember." He said firmly. His expression, empty as it was, told her to drop it.

Their silence was painful. She felt awkward, and she could see it in the firmness of his shoulders that he felt bad for snapping at her. She wanted to comfort him but didn't know how.

"I'm sorry." He said, finally meeting her gaze.

She smiled and shook her head a little. "Don't worry about it."

* * *

They walked down the street together, fighting against the brittle wind they'd grown to love with empty lungs and endless smiles.

Erin's cheeks hurt from smiling, she felt red with love. She finally let herself feel free for the moment, touching his arm when she spoke and bumping against his side when the urge took hold of her. She didn't feel like the married detective with the hard past and easy future. She felt like someone new - someone with a world of possibilities at her doorstep.

"…So I bet Ruzek he couldn't go a day without getting an eye-roll off Platt. How long d'you think he lasted?"

Erin dropped her head in a laugh before letting the guess slip her lips. "Ten minutes?"

"Five." Jay responded, the memory brightening his smile. "Easiest twenty bucks I ever made."

Erin was laughing again, the beer getting to her. She felt endlessly happy and, in the moment, spoke without thinking. "I love you."

She froze, suddenly completely sobering up. "I'm sorry… Forget-"

"No…" Jay said quickly, expression cool. "Don't ever apologise for saying that."

They slowed under the streetlight. Erin's heart beat so fast she wondered if he could hear it above the silence between them. He looked her in the eye for a few more seconds, time where she could remember who he was and why she loved him. She wanted more than anything to breathe in his cologne and hear him say it back; to feel his arms wrap around her frame and take her home to their daughter.

She knew he could see the desire in her eyes, and she hated herself for it. She wanted him - of course she did - but she thought she was past the childish games of teenage heartache. Unrequited love wasn't supposed to happen to a married woman with a four year old daughter.

He couldn't say the words, but he did the next best thing. With the gentleness she'd grown accustomed to, he slipped his hand into hers and clutched it close. The wind tousled his hair a little and, deciding not to stop herself, Erin brought her hand up to his face to brush the hair back. The touch made her feel alive, as did the look of earthly content on his face.

They walked back to his car slow and silent, each of them cherishing the time alone. The feel of her hand in Jay's made Erin feel at peace again and as they walked, she realised how much she'd missed the basic touch.

Once at her apartment complex, the two didn't pause. Deep in conversation, they discussed their favourite movies endlessly as they strode up the stairs. A lot of it Erin was already familiar with, but still she acted as though it was the first time hearing it.

They slowed towards her front door, a silence settling between them. Erin shuffled awkwardly, wanting more than anything to end the date with both of them on the other side of the door.

"I had a great time." She said after a moment, meaning every word.

He broke out into a smile. "I did too. The best first date I've ever been on."

Erin scrunched up her face a little. "Top five for me."

Her heart race as he laughed, even more so when she stepped closer. She knew that distance made the heart grow fonder, that time away would rekindle what it was like to fall in love with him in the beginning, but she couldn't have imagined this. This feeling of pure bliss.

Fireworks exploded behind her eyelids as he kissed her. It was gentle, impossibly soft against her lips. The slight touch laced her body in goosebumps, emphasised only when he slipped a hand across her waist to press their bodies together.

They broke apart, breathing heavily into the tight space between each other. Erin swallowed thickly and couldn't keep her eyes anywhere but on his lips. Finally, she met his gaze, and the words inviting him in were seconds from falling from her lips.

But then she caught the tiny movement of his eyes flicker to her neck. A reminder of that night. She felt his hesitance immediately, and knew what had just played out was the extent of their activities for the night. And that wasn't wholly disappointing. While she trusted him entirely, she knew she had to give him time and space to trust himself.

"Goodnight." He murmured, brushing his forehead against hers before taking a deep step backwards. As he turned to walk away, Erin blurted out a question.

"Lucy has show and tell tomorrow. She'd really love it - I'd really love it - if you'd be there."

Fatherly pride settled on his face.

"I wouldn't miss it."


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey! I just want to acknowledge the slight delay in updating and apologise - I've been without wifi for the past week and this is the first time I've had access. Nevertheless, this chapter is a somewhat long one and I hope you find it enjoyable!**

* * *

Erin jogged into the precinct the following morning, waving a quick hello to Trudy before buzzing herself up. Her entire morning had been a rush; letting Lucy decide what she wanted to debut at show-and-tell, forcing the four year old to eat all her breakfast, and beat the morning traffic proving almost impossible.

But still, she made it. Twenty minutes late, but still.

Thankfully it seemed as though their case hadn't come through yet, the rest of her unit merely catching up on old paperwork. As Erin approached her desk and shrugged off her coat, she noticed a coffee cup in the middle of her desk.

Immediately, she looked up to Jay. He tapped away on the computer, eyes moving to her for only a second before looking back at the screen. He was unable to hide his grin, though.

She recognised that very smile on him.

 _"Just because I'm back doesn't mean I wanna quit you and me." She'd said, pouring herself coffee in the break-room. It was maybe the first time she'd really thought about commitment. It wasn't a promise and it wasn't final, but it was a start._

 _"I don't know." He'd said coyly. "I'm not really a 'sneak around dad's back' kind of guy."_

 _"Says the guy who works undercover."_

She snapped away from the memory. Sometimes it was painful to think about, knowing that exact scene wasn't in Jay's head at all. She forced herself to forget it and just enjoy the moment.

While getting set up at her desk, she offered a polite greeting to Hank and logged into the system. About to call her CI, Jay spoke up.

"Hey, Erin. What time is Lucy's show-and-tell today?"

"2.00." She responded, thankful he was still prepared to go. Though she hadn't told Lucy out of fear he'd back out or, for some reason, couldn't make it, she secretly knew he would. If there was a way to be there for his family, Jay Halstead would find it.

* * *

They walked out of the precinct together at 1:40 promptly. Their backs of their hands collided as they walked and when Erin stole a look, she saw the content on his face.

They had to park down the street from daycare because of the traffic but secretly, Erin wasn't all too bummed. Things between her and Jay seemed better now. And spending an extra five minutes walking down the street with him seemed the perfect thing to do.

"Halstead?" A passing voice said, stopping Erin and Jay in their stride.

Jay turned, took a second to look at the guy before breaking out in a smile. "Ryker. How you doing, man?"

"Good. Still working Vice. Some of us are still trying for the big detective break."

They fell silent, Erin standing awkwardly alongside them. After a second, Jay took the hint.

"Oh, right. Jack Ryker this is Erin Lindsay." They shook hands and Jay expanded to Erin. "We worked together before Antonio pulled me up to Intelligence."

Ryker's eyes went to the glistening on Erin's hand as he shook it and matched it to Jay's.

"Married? Never thought of you as one to settle down, Halstead." He flashed Erin a nostalgic smile. "'Shoulda seen the tail this guy was chasing back then. You wouldn't have believed it."

"Oh, believe me, I would." Erin retorted. "Although I make a point not to mention it - his head's already too big. Wouldn't wanna fuel the fire any more."

"Seems like you've got this wife thing down." Ryker said, earning a laugh from both Erin and Jay. "You don't wanna let this one go, man."

She felt Jay's eyes on her. It was nice feeling like this, like she was enough. It was a feeling she'd often felt with him before the accident and hoped to get it back.

"So, what was the wedding like?" He asked Halstead.

They fell into an awkward pit of stuttering as Jay couldn't quite find the words. To discuss the accident would be a dampener on the mood, but to make up some vague comment would be equally as painful. Erin waited a second before jumping in.

"Unintentionally big. Apparently we had a lot of people rooting for us."

Ryker grinned, happy for the two of them. "I bet. Listen, I've gotta run. Really good to see you, Halstead. Great to meet you, Erin."

"Likewise." She interjected.

"Good to see you too, man." Jay said, shaking Ryker's hand before they parted ways.

Lindsay and Halstead awkwardly found their footing again as they walked towards the daycare, the atmosphere skewed between them.

"Sorry about that." Jay said, rubbing the back of his neck as he squinted at the sidewalk.

"Don't worry about it." She said, smiling. Although that line was beginning to feel like a catchphrase for them. "You… You really don't remember anything, yet?"

"No." He said. She could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Maybe I could talk you through it a bit? If I give you a few of the details of the day maybe it'll come back to you."

"Maybe." He didn't sound optimistic.

They walked in silence until reaching the daycare.

As they walked into the playroom, the tension that had built up in Erin softly disappeared. The kids sat in a circle, one of Lucy's friends Dana showing off her pet turtle. At the sound of Erin and Jay's entrance, the kids turned their heads. Erin's eyes only went to Lucy.

She smiled sweetly at first, then, upon seeing Jay, grinned heard enough to redden her cheeks. She waved at him and shuffled on the floor, eager to run up into his arms. Thankfully she restrained herself, and Erin and Jay filed against the back wall with the other parents.

After Dana had finished showing around Joseph the Turtle, she took her seat back in the circle while the room clapped for her.

"Next up we have… Lucy Halstead."

Lucy got to her feet shakily. Erin creased her brow as she watched her daughter. She had seen Lucy pick up Danny the Dinosaur this morning, picking him for show-and-tell, most notably for his healing capabilities. But standing in front of her peers, Lucy wasn't clutching the bright red stegosaurus. She merely seemed to be holding onto a bit of fabric.

"I don't…" She started quietly, leaning into Jay. But Lucy began before Erin could continue.

She unravelled the material in her hands, unveiling it to be something entirely different from Danny the Dinosaur.

"This is my Blackhawks jersey." She said, awkwardly slipping her arms into it. It was about as long as the dress she had on and hung loose around her neck. "Daddy got it for me. He says that when I'm big and strong, I can play for the Blackhawks, too."

Erin's cheeks hurt from smiling. She turned to Jay, and swore she'd never seen him happier.

"Daddy's been sick lately. I miss him. But when I put on this, I feel big and strong and I know that he'll be home soon."

The room started clapping, but no one louder than Jay.

"Thank you, Lucy, that was very-"

"Blackhawks rule!" Lucy screamed as she jumped in the air, earning a laugh from everyone in the room.

As Erin's smile faded and she blew a kiss to Lucy, she felt Jay take a hold of her hand beside her and squeeze it lovingly. She kissed his cheek before thinking better of it, and the both of them turned to smile at Lucy simultaneously.

* * *

They pulled up at the precinct half an hour later. Show-and-tell was a success, and Lucy remained in the backseat with her jersey still on. Erin had a feeling she'd have to tear it from her body before she gave it up.

"Work?" Lucy questioned, noticing the precinct.

"Yeah, sweetie. We've got some work to do for a little while. Grandpa Hank's excited to see you, though."

Lucy squealed with excitement, even more so when Jay opened up the back door and carried her out of the car seat. He spun her around and kissed across her face. Erin admired the sight as she locked the car.

"You know I'm proud of you, right?" Jay said, a little breathless into Lucy's small face. "You're the cutest little Blackhawks fan I've ever seen."

"Hey," Erin said, bumping his side as they walked across the car park. "You haven't seen me in a jersey."

"What do you reckon, Luce? Is mama cuter than you in a jersey?"

"Nooooo!" Lucy said, enjoying being a part of their banter.

Erin bit her lip as she turned for a second. "I meant just a jersey." She said, low enough for Jay to hear. She marvelled in his temporary stunned look before scooping Lucy from his arms and swinging her to the floor.

"Grandpa might have some candy in his desk." Erin considered aloud, watching Lucy's face light up. She looked back over her shoulder to Jay. "Need me to pick up your jaw, Halstead?"

She buzzed Lucy up the stairs, waiting for Jay and the grin he gave as he passed her.

As they climbed the stairs to Intelligence, the room was fast paced and hectic. Erin had barely a second to process what was going on.

"-On good intel that he's making another hit sometime in the next hour. We've gotta move quickly if we don't want another body. Vest up and roll out." Hank barked. His eyes fell on the Halsteads.

"You can fill me in on the way." Erin said immediately. She quickly turned back to look at Jay and Lucy. "Are you okay to stay here with her?"

"Yeah, of course." Jay responded. He was stuck at his desk per Hank's orders anyway.

"Alright, sweetie, we'll be back soon." Erin said, dropping a kiss to Lucy's forehead. Her eyes then went to Jay, feeling a pull between his body and hers. She saw protectiveness in his eyes - it was the same look they'd shared every day on the job.

"Be careful." He said. She nodded, giving him a final longer-than-necessary look before following Hank, and the rest of the Unit, down to vest up.

The room fell silent as just Lucy and Jay stood between the desks. He smiled down at her, squeezing her hand as she reached for him.

"Guess it's just us now, Luce."

* * *

Jay tapped his pen on the desk. He looked up at the clock. They'd been gone for a while. He tried to keep relaxed, remind himself that Erin had survived the job for a long time - she'd be fine on one more bust. But still, he ached to be the one to have her back.

He forced himself back into reality and looked over to Erin's desk, where Lucy was sitting at. She was concentrating intensely on the drawing in front of her, colouring precisely and quickly. He'd found the colouring book in his bottom drawer, and it had miraculously kept her occupied.

He smiled at the sight. Sitting in her mother's chair, Jay could see the parts of Erin in Lucy. He could see how tightly her brow knit as she concentrated, how the lines of her face moved. It felt surreal. He was sitting at the desk he'd known well, staring at the daughter he wish he did, too.

As Lucy brushed away some loose strands of hair from her face, Jay was struck by something. It felt midway between a dream and a memory as he thought he'd seen her do that before - or had he done it? He could picture himself brushing the wisps of hair from her face and kissing the crown of her head. He tried to put a place and time to it but he couldn't.

As he looked longingly at her, trying to grasp on desperately to whatever memory had found him, the unit made a swift return. The atmosphere was cold as they entered, a familiar look of dismay on their faces.

Erin forced a smile at Jay that didn't quite reach her eyes before swinging by her desk and hoisting Lucy up into her arms.

"Hey mama!" Lucy yelled as Erin held her close.

He watched as she clutched their daughter tight against her, breathing in close and kissing her face. She looked like something had broken in her from the last time he'd seen her, and couldn't help but think their case had something to do with a kid.

"I love you, baby." Erin murmured into her hair before propping her back in the chair. She mentioned how good the picture was that Lucy was colouring before taking a deep breath. Jay could see she was moments from crying.

He watched with pained inability as she strode out of the room, barely keeping her head up. He tensed his jaw and couldn't deny the ache in his chest at what she was feeling.

"Hank." Jay said as Voight passed his desk, heading for his office. "Can you keep an eye on Lucy for a sec?"

Hank's eyes went from Jay to where Erin had stalked off to. He gave a respectful nod.

Jay went to the locker room, knowing there weren't many hiding places at the precinct. He'd felt the pain of cases and wanted a secret place to hideout, but alas, between rows of lockers was about as private as it could get. He heard her sniffling as soon as he entered, following the sound to a bench where she was perched.

As she wiped around her eyes she caught sight of him, shamefully turning and trying to mask the pain in her voice.

"I just need a minute." She croaked, taking a deep breath.

If things were like how they used to be - back when she wanted to keep things professional and he respected that despite the obvious chemistry between them - he might walk away. But he could feel the ring pulsing on his finger and the lines of promises he'd made her.

 _"No one walks out." She'd said late one night. He could visualise her in a car, headlights brightening her eyes._

 _He'd nodded before adding, "We don't hide from one other. We can give each other the worst of us, and no one walks out."_

He felt himself say the words, felt her hear them. He felt the way his chest thudded when he first said them, so long ago it felt like a different lifetime and yet so near it could've been that exact second. It unsteadied him. He wanted to call back to the memory, to clarify it in his head somehow. But his silence had made Erin strong, coaxing out her troubles from the day before he could stir up whatever was in his head.

"She was… God, Jay, she was five. Her mom got in with the wrong people and they ended up putting a bullet in her five year old's head." Her voice broke as she spoke. Jay found himself on the bench next to her. "Five years old. I mean… That's practically Lucy."

Jay wrapped his arms around her, feeling her head on his chest and the irregular convulsions she made as she wept. He ran a hand through her hair, smoothing it down while he kissed into her head.

Time passed but neither loosened their hold on the other. After a while, Jay took a slow breath and recalled words that had helped him more than he could express.

"Dr. Charles told me something in my first session." He whispered, words bouncing from the steel lockers. "We shouldn't have to carry around the ghosts of those we couldn't save."

He felt her sniff into his shirt, felt her hold him a little tighter. And for one of the few times, the ring on his finger didn't seem so tight, so glaring. He felt at home with it on. He felt like wrapping his arms around her with the reminder of their bond pressed to his skin was as natural as breathing.

* * *

He went home with his wife and daughter that night. They ordered in and Erin held Lucy as often as the four year old would let her. And at the point where Jay was ready to solemnly leave, Erin gave him a look that he couldn't ignore even if he wanted to.

"Stay. Just tonight. Just… Don't go." She said, vulnerability seeping through every octave of her voice. The room was dim - he could just make out the lines of her face. Her silhouette shook something deep in his body as she held her ground in front of him.

 _We don't hide from one other. We can give each other the worst of us, and no one walks out._

He heard the words all around him. He felt them in his veins.

Somewhere between the aching memory in his head and the hollow sinking of his bones, Erin's body pressed against Jay's. They breathed each other in and Jay felt it in his body all at once. Like hearing a song for the first time in years. Like saying every word he'd swallowed for a lifetime. Like coming home.


	19. Chapter 19

Memories tugged at the cells in his brain, begging to be let in. He felt himself go slowly insane as everything felt there - just within his reach and yet still not close enough.

He didn't go to sleep that night. Though he pressed his eyes closed and felt his heart steady, he refused to let himself sink into sleep. A strip of moonlight stole its way into the room and across his and Erin's sleeping body. She breathed gently, her body tight against his.

He watched her eyelids flutter as she dreamt, and found himself amazed. It was unbelievable to him how she could let herself succumb to tire and sleep in his arms, knowing only recently he'd wrapped his hands around her throat. How wasn't she haunted by it? Jay found himself restless most nights, the minute he closed his eyes picturing images from his time serving that he wanted more than anything to forget. How could she just close her eyes, hold him close, and trust him not to do it again?

Jay tensed his jaw, staying for another selfish minute before going to sleep on the couch.

* * *

Erin woke at 6:45 the following morning, feeling as though she'd slept through a war. She blinked her eyes steadily and turned over. Her heart sank at the empty space beside her.

Childishly, she pawed at the sheets, as though by touching the space he was in would bring him back somehow. She swallowed the lump in her throat, but before the dismay could truly set in, she heard a bustle from the kitchen.

A moving of pans and a scattering of voices intrigued her. As she followed the sound, the sight appeared before her in a way that made her think she might be still dreaming.

"Hmm, try this. Big bite!" Jay said, offering a forkful of pancake to Lucy. She sat on the counter, swinging her legs in her ladybug onesie.

Lucy licked her lips, syrup remaining around her mouth. "Tastyyy!" She sang. In that moment, she caught sight of Erin moving towards her. "Mama! Daddy's making pancakes!"

"Wow!" Erin cooed, shuffling over to kiss Lucy's forehead. By force of habit she turned to kiss Jay, too - a quick peck on his lips. The domestic action dropped them in a hasty awkwardness, which Jay quickly tried to sweep past as he turned back to the batter.

He was in different clothes than the night before, now opting for a white tee and dark blue jeans. His scruff was growing in and she wondered if he remembered her saying she liked the bearded look. In comparison, Erin felt as though she looked her worst. She knew she had smudged eye makeup, hair tangled and tousled, and the same casual shirt and jeans from yesterday. Though he was her husband, and although he once told her she could wear a trash bag and he'd still think she was beautiful, she felt eager to show him her best self.

"I'm just gonna jump in the shower." She said to them both, savouring the lingering look Jay turned to give her as he watched her leave.

* * *

They carpooled together for work, sharing small talk on the drive with Lucy babbling in the backseat. They dropped her off at daycare and headed to work, all the while Erin feeling more optimistic than she had since the accident. Things weren't back to normal, but at least they were back to breathing the same air.

As she pulled up until the car park, she shared some words that had been burning into her mind.

"Look, about last night… Thank you. I… I really needed that."

"I'm glad you leaned on me."

She gave him an adoring smile. "We're married. It's what we do."

"Right." He said with an even tone. But her words hit a sore spot in him in a way he couldn't explain. He'd considered the night before an achievement, a milestone. Back when they were just partners, she rarely let him in. Yet last night she'd made herself entirely vulnerable to him. And it hurt to hear that he'd missed all the times before that.

They stayed in their bubble a minute longer before heading in, walking in on the beginning of a bustling case. With pretty much everyone either on the phone to their CI's or marking up leads on the whiteboard, Jay could tell there wouldn't be a moment to breathe all day. Well - that would be the case for the rest of his unit, anyway. Though the bruises on his body still hurt occasionally and even Will had admitted he shouldn't be back at work so soon, Halstead ached to put that vest on and head out with his team.

He waited as Voight relayed a course of action. Waited as Erin found an immediate lead that planned out her and Antonio's next move. Waited, painfully so, as he told Hank he was willing to help in any way he could, only to receive a gruff, "you can help by sitting in that chair and not moving" in return.

It was one thing feeling inadequate to his family, with the added bonus of being useless to his team, Jay was starting to feel endlessly tired.

* * *

He spent the day doing all kinds of nothing. Though he was quick and accurate in checking their perp's bank account details, getting information on his family and place of employment, it didn't mean anything if he couldn't go out the door to find the guy. He watched as the unit came in and out, nothing but ball-busting and conciliatory looks thrown his way.

By 5.30pm, he was more than ready to go home. And by the look on Erin's face, she was too.

He grabbed his jacket and stood at the edge of her desk. "Do you wanna grab something to eat?"

He pictured the words flowing five years ago. Back when the chemistry fizzled between them like electricity and their entire relationship was shrouded with taboo and rules. He pictured asking her to grab a bite in front of everyone. He shook the thought from his head immediately. He found himself, more than just a few times, having to remind himself to live in the present and not hold onto the past.

"Yeah. I just have to go grocery shopping first." She said. "Fancy coming?"

He smiled. "Yeah."

* * *

The tension of the day had built up for Jay. He could feel it in his shoulders, in the muscles of his back. He hated being hunched over his desk while others were out there in the action. He hated the few looks of pity he was given. But all the frustration and tire and ache that had built up inside him was simply dissipated the second they picked up Lucy from daycare.

As Erin strapped her in the seat, Lucy reached for her backpack and, as quickly as her small hands could manage, retrieved a a folded sheet of paper.

"Daddy, look." She said, passing it to him in the passenger seat as Erin tucked herself in the drivers'. He took it from her and carefully unfolded it.

"It's me, you and mommy." Lucy said. Jay felt Erin lean across to look at the picture. He could feel her smile.

"Is this our dog?" Jay asked, eyes washing over the large fluffy blob beside the drawing of Lucy.

"Yeah! Pink with stripes, just like mama says!"

Erin let out a heart chuckle. "Is that a cat, too, sweetie?"

"Yeah, even though I'm 'lergic. Achoo!"

Jay laughed again, fingers tracing the drawing on the page as he did. The colours popped in front of him, the stick figures staring up at him with happiness.

"That's a great picture, Lucy." Erin said, looking back to give her a happy look of encouragement.

"Do you like it, daddy?"

Jay turned around in his seat, unable to hold in the smile. "Yeah." He watched the beam on his daughter's face grow wider. "Yeah, I really do."

* * *

They were at the grocery store in ten minutes, unbuckling Lucy and grabbing a cart. He watched Erin from the corner of his eye as she manoeuvred her way into the store, telling Lucy to hold onto the side of the cart and not walk off. His mind went back to all the times that he and Erin had ended up at the store together, usually late at night, usually going for chips and beer. That old Erin didn't use a cart - she hauled it all in her hands until physically dropping it heartily in front of the cashier. It was strange watching the change in her.

"Jay." Erin said, she and Lucy paused down the first aisle. She shot him a look of concern. He immediately put a smile on his face and jogged up to them. He made small talk about cereal, hoping soon enough Erin would take her worried eyes off him.

They strolled down the aisles, Erin dropping in all kinds of things. Once in the haircare aisle, she pointed to a shelf behind Jay and asked him to grab her shampoo.

"It's the green one." She said as he turned. "In the-"

"Thin bottle?" He finished, picking it off the shelf and turning back to put it in the basket. He lifted his eyes briefly to confirm with Erin, only to find her cautious eyes on him.

"Did you remember that?" She asked, an inkling of hope in her voice. "Or was it just a guess?"

He looked down at the bottle. Something had drawn his eyes to it. He turned back around and saw another green bottle, this one bulkier. Was the thin one just the first he saw, or did he know the thin bottle was the choice he had to make? The time passed and he could feel the hope in Erin getting more profound. It killed him.

"Uh, just a guess." He said, a little solemnly. She nodded at him, forcing a little smile, but he saw through it all. And, again, he felt like a disappointment.

They got bread - a smaller loaf that they'd found fit in the toaster better, cheese - pre-grated because Lucy said it tasted better, eggs - free range, since Jay had apparently forced Erin into watching a documentary and Lucy walked in at just the wrong time to see something that now swayed them into buying their eggs free range.

"E-G-G-G-S." Lucy said, holding the carton and gently putting them in the cart.

"Too many 'G's." Erin said, sweeping them down another aisle.

Lucy scrunched up her face in confusion. She looked over to Jay and held the look, earning a genuine smile from him.

"E-G-G-S." He said.

Lucy relaxed her face. "E-G-G-S." She said.

"There 'ya go." Erin cooed. "Our little genius."

Jay watched with intrigue as Erin picked up food for meals, fruits, vegetables. She looked as comfortable in the grocery store as she did at work with a badge on her hip. The two of them had joked before - back when he could remember their jokes - about their equally poor cooking skills. While Jay couldn't cook, save for toast or cereal or anything with clear instructions on the packet, Erin said she didn't have the energy. Now, with more than ever before on her plate, all Jay could see in front of him was a domestic goddess.

At the checkout, things fell silent between them. Jay could sense Erin had a burning question on her mind, and he had a feeling his answer was going to let her down yet again.

"Do you feel anything? Being here, I mean?"

He turned to her. "Should I?"

"You were coming from here that night. The… The accident happened after you left here."

His face fell a little, his eyes slowly checking around his environment. He stretched the crevices of his brain but failed to cling onto something. His face must've showed it all, because Erin spoke up again almost immediately.

"It doesn't matter. Forget I mentioned anything."

But Jay couldn't forget. Everything he couldn't remember was getting tallied in his head, an ever-present reminder of the life he was failing at. He always was destined to fail - at least, that was what his father told him after hearing his son had enrolled in the army. That, after saying he'd be blown to smithereens five minutes into the job.

After finishing at the checkout, they walked from the store with bags in hand and Lucy following quickly beside them. They stepped onto the car park before Jay heard a voice calling out to them.

"Erin? Jay?" They both turned, but unlike Jay, Erin didn't stay silent.

"Felicity, hey." She said warmly, a smile of familiarity on her face. "It's good to see you, how are you?"

"I'm good. A little tired, but," She ran both hands across the accentuated bump on her stomach. "You know how it is."

Jay stood awkwardly, feeling like an outsider to the conversation. He wracked his brain for any trace of this woman or her name, but as usual he drew a blank.

"Wow," Erin said with a smile at the sight of her stomach. "What is that, four, now?"

"Five. We had another after Max and now this little one's the last of the bunch."

"Five? Wow, that's crazy."

Felicity bent down a little, eyes on Lucy. The four year old nervously drew closer to Jay, wrapping her arms around his lower half.

"And is this Lucy? I haven't seen you since you were a day old." Felicity cooed. "She looks just like you guys."

"She's normally a lot chattier than this." Erin laughed.

"Max is the same. Anytime he's around new people he's just mute."

"How is Max?" Erin asked, while Jay remained beside her, completely lost on who and what they were talking about.

"He's good. I could do without the temper, but it's pretty much a given at this age, right."

"I hear that." Erin laughed.

"I bet she's got you wrapped right round her little finger, though, huh, Jay?" She asked, directing her attention to a nervous Jay. "My oldest knows just how to get what she wants from her dad."

"Yeah, yeah. She's, uh, well…" He stumbled a little, not knowing what to say. He felt out of his depth. How did he know this woman? Were they close? Could she tell he was uncomfortable? Did she know he didn't know what to say.

"She knows which one of us is gonna let her stay up past her bedtime, let's put it that way." Erin said, jumping in without missing a beat.

Felicity laughed. "Smart girl. The world better watch out for Lucy." Erin was still smiling, Jay was still uncomfortable, but Lucy had recoiled a little and seemed a bit less timid.

"I'd better go, but it was great seeing you."

"You, too." Erin responded. "And say hi to Dan for us."

"Good to see you." Jay said as a latch stitch attempt to not be rude.

As Felicity walked off and the three headed towards the car, Erin waited until Felicity was out of earshot before finally giving Jay some information.

"She was in the hospital with us when we were having Lucy. She had a boy, Max."

"Right." Jay said, not feeling any familiarity with it. He frowned as they reached the car and began filing the groceries into the trunk. "God, I must've looked like an idiot. I should've just said something about the accident."

"You don't owe anybody an explanation." Erin said instantly. "It still hasn't been that long, just give it some time."

But Jay was sick of waiting. He wanted an outcome that didn't seem to be coming anytime soon.

* * *

Jay came back for dinner, and the three of them enjoyed a quiet evening. Erin still felt pain when she looked at Jay, and guilt for the girl they'd lost the previous day when she looked at Lucy, but she could also feel the remnants of healing. For the first time in a long time, she was optimistic.

Jay left at around 9.30. Lucy had been put to bed, and she and him were talking on the couch. It was about nothing in particular but flowed with ease. She felt comfort just being near him, the distant smell of his cologne filling her senses.

She wanted to kiss him - well, truly wanted to do more than that. But there was this invisible barrier between them that meant she couldn't. It felt a little like their days back before they'd gotten together - back before she'd temporarily joined the task force. The days where they'd be sitting side by side, close enough to touch, where all she wanted to do was finally kiss him. But then logic would take over lust and she'd remind herself of the trouble it would cause them both. In hindsight, that trouble now seemed nothing compared with that they were going through.

At 9.30, Kim knocked at the door. She had with her stories of her day and an apology for interrupting the two of them. Erin said it was fine, Jay said it was getting late anyway. The two of them hovered awkwardly in front of Kim, not knowing how quite to say goodbye.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then." Jay said, almost going in for a hug, but not quite.

"Yeah. See you tomorrow." Erin responded, almost going in for a kiss on the cheek, but not quite.

She watched as he left, closing the door behind him and taking a deep breath. His cologne was still in the air. She felt temporarily consumed by it.

"I was definitely interrupting something, there." Kim said, popping the cork on the bottle as she sat on the couch.

Erin scoffed as she went to get glasses. "We were just talking."

"How do you feel?" Burgess asked as she poured, her words cautious.

Erin paused for a second, asking herself the question. "Good." She responded after a moment. "I feel.. Like this might work."

There was a glint in her eye when she looked at Kim, hopefulness that was slowly making its way back home.

* * *

Jay couldn't sleep that night. Each time he closed his eyes, memories of the war flooded through his head. Lately in his recent sessions with Dr. Charles, they'd started talking about his time serving. He talked about things he thought he'd put to rest, things he thought he had dealt with. Apparently not.

He tossed and turned on the couch. His temperature spiked from hot to cold throughout the night. Dr. Charles had taught him a breathing exercise that he tried to exercise, but couldn't quite get it to work. It was as though his body was in overdrive and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Finally, at around 3.00am, he gave in. He called the number on his phone - the only number - he had saved as a favourite and felt another wave of guilt as he waited for her to wake up and answer.

"What is it, what's wrong?" She said immediately, groggy voice, barely awake.

"Nothing." He whispered, looking back at Will's room. His brother had been working like crazy and he didn't want to add more problems to his already full plate. Then he felt the same about Erin. "I- Uh… I'm sorry I woke you. It's nothing. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Jay." The mere word relaxed everything inside of him. "Nightmares?"

He held in a breath. How could she know him better than anyone and he was just getting to know the real her?

"Do you want me to come over?" She asked.

"No, no you don't have to do that." He said immediately. It didn't make sense - waking Lucy and dragging her across town because Jay couldn't close his eyes for more than five seconds.

He looked up at the ceiling, taking in a deep breath. "I don't know why I called."

"I'm glad you did."

They stayed in silence for a moment. Finally, Erin broke it with a request.

"Tell me something, Jay." She said gently.

"Like what?"

"Anything. Anything you remember about us."

He paused. Was this a technique she'd picked up abut PTSD victims, a way to get his mind off it, or was she just curious? Either way, he raked back through his memories. Within a second his heart had slowed.

He licked his lips and smiled. "Do you remember your high school reunion?"

She let out a raspy chuckle. "Of course. It was the first time I saw you in a suit."

"I cleaned up pretty nice, huh?"

She chuckled again, it was music to his ears. "You did alright, I guess."

Their laughter died and they fall back into silence. Jay didn't mind it though, it felt like a sea of calm. Like there was finally an end to the storm raging inside his head.

"What else?" She whispered.

"The sex club."

"Yeah, that was… An experience."

"Five hours, right?"

"Like a couple of pros."

He laughed heartily before toning it down a little, remembering Will was in the next room. He put a hand behind his head as he relaxed, slowly closing his eyes as he spoke.

They talked about their favourite undercover jobs, the time Hank almost caught Jay in her apartment, how they'd joke about scrabble, until finally circling back to the reunion.

"Justin came over that night. When the door knocked, I thought… I hoped it was you." He felt himself finally drift to sleep as Erin's soft voice soothed away any pain he had. "I always wanted it to be you."

* * *

He woke up early, bright eyed and ready for the day. He went for a run, one of the few he'd been able to manage since the accident but the furthest. He came back and showered to an empty apartment, guessing Will also opted for an early start at the hospital while he was out.

As Jay made himself some coffee, he made a mental note to thank Erin profusely when he saw her. There weren't many people he had in his life who he could call up at 3.00am when he couldn't sleep. And yet Erin was there and willing.

He picked up his badge and pinned it to his jeans, the last thing he needed before heading out the door.

Strangely, there was a knock just as he went to leave. And as he pulled the door open, he saw a face that had been tearing him apart for as long as he could remember.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jay asked.

His father stretched his mouth into a big a smile as he could manage, which was coincidentally tight and small. "Good to see you, son."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	20. Chapter 20

Jay clenched his teeth. "I said, what are you doing here."

"Come on, Jay. Are you really going to keep up this hostility towards me?" He said, the voice of condescension Jay had heard his whole life echoing around him. "Hasn't this gone on long enough?"

His father wore a navy suit, crisp and fresh. It looked like it cost more than Jay's wardrobe combined. His hair was light and silvery, combed back as it had been for as long as Jay could remember.

"It has gone on long enough. I would've thought you'd get the message by now." Jay said, voice harsh and strong. "Why are you in Chicago?"

"I heard you were in an accident and had to get a flight here. Then I heard the severity of it and took the red-eye."

Jay felt flooded with anger. "Did Will call you?"

"No, but believe me I'm going to have words with him later. I have a friend at Chicago Med. That's all I'll say about it."

"You'd better book your flight back because I'm done talking to you."

"Memory loss, Jay?" He said, a fake-tone of compassion that Jay had fell for on too many occasions. "I have some contacts that I can reach out to and call in some favours. We can get specialist treatment for you."

He felt something inside of him flare with anger. This wasn't what his father did. He didn't take plane trips to Chicago to support out his sons. He didn't throw help out for nothing.

"What's the catch?" Jay seethed, eyes watching his father like a prey to its predator.

He shrugged. "There's no catch. It's just basic common sense, really." He said, holding up a document to Jay.

He took the thick wad of papers from his father with caution. With a heavy set scowl, Jay looked down.

"Divorce papers?" Jay scoffed, incredulous. "Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No, it's your marriage that's the joke, son." Jay tensed at the final word. 'Son' was a rarely used word in the Halstead home. He was seldom called it.

"You're out of your mind." Jay responded firmly, holding the papers back out to his father. He didn't take them, though.

"You've been fooling yourself since the crash." His father sneered. "Now, I don't know the extent of it but I do know that the past six years of your life have been wiped from your memory. That's six years that include your marriage and your daughter."

"Don't talk about them." Jay spat.

"There's no need to get angry, here, Jay. I'm just being logical. You don't remember the past six years. All you're doing right now is playing pretend."

"How would you have any idea what I've been doing? You're not a part of my life. Or Erin's, or Lucy's. So I'd appreciate it if you'd get the hell out of here."

"Why are you sleeping on your brother's couch?"

"I'm done talking about this." Jay said, turning and flinging the door shut behind him. His father caught it just in time, though, and followed Jay in.

"If you're not living with your wife and daughter, how do you possibly expect this to work?"

"I'm handling it, okay?!" Jay practically screamed.

"And Erin? How is she handling it?"

Jay felt burning under his skin. This was what his father did - he sensed something Jay felt guilt for and picked at it and picked at it until he broke.

"And Lucy? Does she know why her father doesn't live with her anymore?" He continued. "Is that fair for them, Jay?"

"I'm trying my best!" He felt like he was ten again, defending everything he did to his father.

"I have no doubt about that. But what I'm saying is that you can't drag them along while you mend yourself. Because let me tell you something, Jay: this doesn't end well. Unless you come with me to see a specialist in Miami, you are not going to regain your memory. You can't expect the two of them to sit and wait for a result that will not be achieved. Something has got to give."

He'd heard those words. He'd felt the same tension. In Erin's apartment.

 _"I can't keep doing this, Jay. Something's gotta give." Erin pleaded. She was in front of him, pacing while he sat lifelessly on the couch._

 _It must've been from his last round of PTSD. Where he'd been told that the mix of therapy and antibiotics had him in a near-depressive state. He felt himself, barely conscious, barely listening as he lay on the couch. Her face was broken - pleading for him to listen._

 _"I've been chasing something real my entire life and… And we had that. For a second. And now? You're… You're living your life like a zombie and it's like I'm just here for the ride."_

 _He didn't answer. He could hear the pain in her voice and yet lying there, he didn't answer. He felt himself hurt her, as he always did, over and over again._

He zoned back in on his father.

"-Really want to do that to them? To your daughter? Do you really think this won't have an impact on her, Jay?"

He wanted to fight back but his voice came out small. "I'm a good father. I could be a good father."

"What's her favourite colour?"

"Pink."

"And when the store runs out of pink dresses? What colour do you get her then?"

He thought. Before he could come up with his daughter's second favourite colour, another question was fired at him.

"What stuffed animal does she sleep with at night?"

"It… It depends, I mean…"

"So if you go on a trip, and you need to pack her bag, and she's not there, you'll what? Take all her stuffed animals?"

"Erin knows-"

"So you'll rely on Erin for everything? Is that fair on her?" He said, a voice so patronising, so condescending, Jay felt three feet tall. "Forgive me, Jay, but when you and Erin decided to get married I don't think she signed up to have you follow her around like a lost puppy needing help at every turn."

It was silent. Jay could hear his own heart beating. Weeks of guilt built up inside of him and combined in his chest. Every positive thing he'd done since the accident had been watered down to nothing.

"Look, Jay, I know this is hard. But if you love your family like you say you do, the best thing for them would be for you to walk away."

Jay gritted his teeth, staring up at his father with all the hate in his heart. "You mean like you should've done?"

His father nodded openly. "Yes. Will said to me once he wished I had just divorced your mother and left." He said, no trace of shame or sadness that his son would wish such a thing.

"He's not the only one." Jay snarled, thinking of all the beatings, pain and suffering his mother might've been spared if his dad had just left for good.

"Well, then. Why not learn from my mistakes?" He dropped the divorce papers to the table and gave his look a final look. "Will has my number. When you make the right decision - the decision best for everyone - call me."

Jay watched as his father walked out the door, once again, taking everything from him.

* * *

He headed to Dr. Charles' office, wanting the blood to boil in his veins. He wanted his angry heart to unleash everything he'd held in, to finally confront the hell that his father had put him through. But as he sat in that leather chair, all he could feel was empty.

"Tell me about what happened with Erin."

Jay gritted his teeth. He wanted to leave - to get up and never face this again. He'd mentioned the choking a few sessions ago, and even recalling it briefly took so much out of him. Now Dr. Charles wanted to dissect the event and Jay wasn't sure he could. Not with his father's words still swirling in the back of his mind.

"I don't want to talk about it." He said, avoiding Dr. Charles' eyes.

"I think that's why we should."

He inhaled deeply, sinking further into the chair. He tried to keep his dad's voice out of his head, but it was as though it was stuck there, continually telling him he wasn't enough.

"We were in bed, we fell asleep. And then I had a nightmare. I thought…" He swallowed, the image coming back vividly. "I thought I was back there, back in Afghanistan. I thought I was being attacked. I… I was trying to survive."

His words sound disgusting to him as he tries to rationalise his actions, attempting to justify how he could get so close to taking the light out of his wife's eyes.

"And when you woke up?"

"I had my hands around her throat."

He looked down at the floor. He could hear Dr. Charles speaking but he couldn't retain any of it. He could just see the marks on Erin's throat, the flashbacks to how he'd hurt her, his father's words saying that the best thing he could do would be to walk away.

"I'm sorry, I… I need to go." Jay said abruptly, shooting Dr. Charles a transparent look before walking out without looking back.

* * *

Erin was in Hank's office, eating her lunch off the end of his desk and chatting noncommittally about the weather. It was something she hadn't done in a while and had endlessly missed. Though she had her own family, she could never let go of the one Hank had given her.

Chewing on her sandwich, she stole another look at her phone.

"You gotta stop checking it." Hank said.

"What?"

"He's fine." He told her, reading her mind.

Jay hadn't come into work yet. She knew he had a session and so wasn't totally concerned, but still, this session had run longer than most and she thought she might get at least a text from him. With the progress they'd made recently she was starting to feel them draw closer again, and she didn't want anything getting in the way of that. Especially with news she had recently come to learn. The news she was waiting to tell Jay about.

"How's Luce doing with all this?"

"She's none the wiser." Erin said, relief at the notion. Every night she went to bed thinking what she'd say if Lucy ever caught on that there was a change in her dad, and every night she came up blank.

"She asks when he's getting better, when he's coming back home, but apart from that…"

"When is he coming home?"

"Gee, Hank, you sound like my four-year-old." Erin quipped. But there was a smile there - she felt hopeful. "I don't know… He's got a lot to work on, but… I can feel him coming back to me."

Little did Erin know, those would be the words to haunt her.

* * *

 **I'm so happy to be getting in some real angsty stuff now - the next chapter is another one of my personal faves! Thank you for sticking with me in this story, please drop any comments/criticisms/thoughts in a review!**


	21. Chapter 21

**I'm overwhelmed by the response to Chapter 20. I hope you guys enjoy this one just as much.**

* * *

The day passed slower than ever, and Erin couldn't deny how it felt like a part of her was missing. She looked over his desk repeatedly, feeling herself aching to see that grin. The grin she missed kissing, missed waking up next to.

 _She was asleep, but found herself drawn to consciousness by the light touch of fingertips against her stomach. Despite the early time and her love of sleep, Erin opened one eye along with a smile. A smile that only broadened when she saw the lazy grin on Jay's face._

 _"You know there's basically nothing there, right?" She croaked. "It's not even a baby yet, it's just… A bundle of cells."_

 _"What?" Jay said, feigning disbelief. "So you mean all my Blackhawks talk this morning has been wasted on nothing?"_

 _Erin rolled her eyes and punched lightly at his bare chest. "You're such an idiot."_

 _His grin stayed a while before fading. When he gripped her waist with one hand - ensuring she couldn't slip away from him - he asked a question that she guessed had been burning in his mind ever since the night before._

 _"How are you feeling."_

 _She met his gaze, showing him in that one look that the nerves of parenthood were still very much there. But something about his look made her stronger. Maybe he was ready enough for the both of them._

 _"Good, I think." She whispered. Then her lip tugged in a smirk as she found herself in that comfortable banter between them. "I mean, now I have you trapped, don't I?"_

 _He popped an eyebrow, matching her smirk. "So, this was your big plan all along?"_

 _She slid closer to him, pressing her chest against his. She felt his heart thudding as she kissed gently from his shoulder up to his jawline, savouring the warmth and safety such an action gave her._

 _"Uh-huh." She murmured, the sound bouncing off his skin. "You're stuck with me, now. Me and this little Blackhawks baby."_

 _He leaned back and flashed a hopeful smile. "It's a baby, now?" Did he really think she was going to call it a 'bundle of cells' for the entire pregnancy?_

 _Still, she smiled. "Yeah. I mean, there's still a lot that can go wrong, and we're in the early stages, still, and-"_

 _"Erin." He stopped her rambling, and that look he gave her nearly stopped her heart._

 _She paused for a second before moving off him a little. She look down at her stomach, her shirt bunched up and her belly bare. She pressed her hand to the skin and moved her thumb a little._

 _"This is our baby." She whispered._

 _Jay placed his hand atop hers, clutching her stomach. And the smile he gave her was something she felt everywhere all at once._

She'd called him twice throughout the day, getting his voicemail on both occasions. By 5pm, when the loose ends of their case had been wrapped up and everyone was ready to leave, she resolved to stop by Will's apartment to see if Jay was there.

On her way out of the precinct, after saying goodbye to everyone, she ran into Kim.

"Erin, hey, do you wanna grab dinner?" Burgess asked.

"I can't, I've gotta talk to Jay. He didn't come in today, I was just wanna check on him."

"Well, do you want me to pick up Lucy?" Kim offered. "You can swing by and get her on your way back."

"That'd be great, Kim. Thanks."

"No problem." Burgess said with a smile. Just as Erin turned to leave she reached out and softly held her forearm. "Hey, are you gonna tell him tonight?" She asked, eyes glistening with excitement.

Erin felt her stomach flip in equal nerves and excitement. "Yeah." She breathed. "I think I am."

* * *

Jay sat at the kitchen table, the only things within reach being the whisky to his left and vodka to his right. It was funny, he thought, how much like his dad he must look. Maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree after all.

He was starting to feel numb, the whisky finally doing its job. He wondered why he didn't try drinking days ago - he finally got a release from the guilt and anxiety swirling around his head. He finally felt nothing.

He was sick of disappointing Erin - of watching the hope crumble from her face and wait for him to become something he wasn't. He was sick of having everyone look at him with sympathetic eyes, waiting for him to break.

He had another whisky, and then another two. He didn't know what time it was or where he was supposed to be, just understanding that by the darkening of the sky outside it was getting late. His body felt strained and he wondered if he could just lie down there, head on the table, and just give up completely. The thought didn't sound half bad.

While he weighed up his options, Jay heard a gentle but hasty knocking at the door. When he got to his feat he was unsteady, having to clumsily use the wall for support as he made his way to the door. As he opened it, he got that rush of perfume that smelt like home. If he had one, that was.

"Hey, I've been calling you." She said.

He pointed haphazardly behind him. "Yeah, I - my phone, it's…"

He could hear the faltering in her voice. Though he couldn't get her face to stop moving, he was pretty sure the expression she was giving him was that akin to disappointment. Again.

"Have you been drinking?"

"I just had a couple of glasses." He heard himself slur and sway. His legs moved and felt uneasy, but thankfully Erin stepped in at just the right time to steady him and lead them both back into the apartment.

"Easy… Easy…" She murmured as she guided him, taking the full brunt of his weight as he leaned on her. "Let me get you some water."

"I can… I can do it." He murmured, trying to hold onto the words. His father's speech ran laps in his head, as clear as day. _So you'll rely on Erin for everything? Is that fair on her?_

He heard the faucet turn on, the soothing sound of running water. She turned around and put the glass on the table. And then a pause.

"What is this?" She asked with a voice not sounding like her own.

He forced himself to focus, to try and be better for her. The whisky was burning in his stomach and he thought he might just vomit it all up soon enough. He steadied his eyes as he watched her pick up a thick wad of white papers, eyeing it as though it were a bomb. And then he finally caught up.

"Erin-"

"Divorce papers?" She asked. Her voice was barely a whisper, filled with hurt and pain.

"It's not…" He didn't know what to say.

"Not what? What it looks like?" Her voice broke as she continued. "It looks like you're serving me divorce papers."

"It wasn't… I didn't…" The words felt too large in his mouth, too foreign. The room had stopped spinning but his head hadn't. "Look, my dad came by, and-"

"Your dad?!" She asked, incredulous. He was, in a sick sense, relieved that the features of her face were blurred. He didn't think he could handle seeing the look on her face. "Of course this is his idea. Why… Why the hell would you go along with it?"

"I didn't make a decision-"

"Oh, you didn't? That's so kind, Jay, really." She said, her voice rising with anger. "So, tell me. When will I finally get your decision?"

He ran his hands through the hair. He pulled with anger and frustration. "We need to stop kidding ourselves, Erin!" He shouted back, a volume to match hers. "I'm not going to get better. I'm not going to remember. You need to wake up and face the facts!"

She came into focus, finally. He watched her eyes fill and felt his own do the same. She was the one person in the world he didn't want to hurt, and yet the one person he had the most.

"So, this," She dropped the papers to the table. "This is the answer? You want to throw away everything we've been through because things are hard?"

He couldn't find anything to say. What he wanted to say - what he should've said - was how much he wanted her to be happy, to not have him be a burden on her anymore. That he wanted Lucy to not have to ask where he was every night and have Erin to deal with the hard questions. But like always, he fell flat.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"This was your worst nightmare, right? Waking up and realising you have the rest of your life mapped out. It'd send any other guy running for the hills, so why should I expect anything different from you? You know what I think? I think you were never going to remember because you never wanted to."

"Hey, that is completely-"

"Accurate? Because this is it, isn't it?" She slammed her palms on the papers. "This is you giving up. This is you deciding to stop fighting for us."

He didn't look at her - he couldn't. His head was a mess and he couldn't make sense of anything. He wanted to use the phrase his father had told him - something about walking away - but he couldn't arrange it right. He wanted to tell her that she meant more to him than he could explain, but those words fell flat, too. So all that remained was an empty, painful silence.

He heard her sniff and straighten her back - finality in her movements. "Well, I guess I lied to you before." He raised his head to look at her. "I said you didn't become your father, and that's exactly what happened."

And with that, the last string inside him broke.

* * *

She went out to the car, the wind pushing back the tears. It was only when she was in the seat, hands on the wheel that she truly let the sobs come in waves out of her.

And only when they had finally died did she reach into the glove compartment and pull out the pregnancy test she'd taken that morning. The two lines glowed up at her and inspired a new surge of pain.


	22. Chapter 22

She drove straight to Hank's without giving it a second thought. And when he opened the door, all she could do was cave into his arms and sob into his shoulder. She felt sixteen again, finding her way back into the arms that saved her all those years ago.

When it finally subsided and she could breathe again, she told Hank what transpired with Jay. As she said it, it hurt all the more, as though finally becoming reality.

"He said I need to wake up and face the facts." She said, wiping her tears on a tissue that Hank passed her.

"It sounds like an impulsive move. Give him some time to cool down."

"This is real, Hank. His dad's involved…" She creased her face up at even thinking how things might proceed.

Divorce wasn't a dirty word to her but it was something she never pictured for her and Jay's future. Not with the family they'd built. Her mind went to their daughter.

"He's going to fight me for custody."

"No." Voight said immediately. "That's not gonna happen, Erin. You know this isn't him."

"No, I don't. I don't know who he is. Not anymore."

She closed her eyes and dropped her head back, wondering how they got to this point. How they could go to planning to spend the rest of their lives together to signing on the dotted line of papers to end their marriage.

She dropped her head to her hands, taking slow, deep breaths. "I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed to do this?"

Hank didn't have an answer, though. Not one she wanted to hear, anyway.

* * *

Erin drove herself to Kim's, preparing for another sob-fest. But when the door opened and Lucy's face lit up like a christmas tree, Erin willed herself to hold it in.

"We had ice-cream, mama! Three scoops!" Lucy squealed, holding up three small fingers to Erin.

"Wow!"

Lucy grabbed Erin's hand and attempted to pull her towards the kitchen. Erin put on a smile as they entered, catching Adam over a bowl of ice-cream.

"Lindsay." Adam said in acknowledgement.

"Ruzek." Erin returned. "So you've been filling my daughter with sugar, huh?"

Adam threw Lucy an exaggerated look. "Luce! I thought that was gonna be our secret!"

Lucy jolted with laughter and it finally lifted something inside of Erin. But then she saw Jay's mannerisms in her and felt it all drop back down again.

"So." Kim said after a second, enthusiasm bursting through her voice. "How'd it go?"

Erin steadied her expression, tensing her jaw. She felt the room go quiet. Thankfully, Kim read her like a book and suggested that Adam take Lucy into the living room for a while.

"Peppa?" Lucy asked instantly, to which Adam reluctantly agreed as he lead her in. When the door closed and Erin heard the familiar oinking of Peppa Pig, she let out a deep breath.

"What happened?" Kim asked, stepping closer with intrigue.

Erin bit her lip. "It's over."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"He wants a divorce." Erin said, managing to hold back the river of tears threatening to flow once again.

"You said things were going well-"

"I thought they were! I don't…" She trailed her voice off. She didn't know what to say to make sense of it all. The progress they'd made seemed groundbreaking. He'd held her while she slept, cooked pancakes with Lucy. They were so much in tune with their life before the accident that she was going to tell him she was pregnant.

She snapped her focus away from that, not wanting to even go there.

"You know what I keep thinking? What if the car that hit him was two seconds slower. Or what if he was two seconds quicker. Then… Then none of this would've happened!"

Kim wrapped her in a hug and held her through it, whispering that she would be alright and everything would turn out okay in the end.

But the end was here, and Erin wasn't okay. She didn't know how she possibly could be.

* * *

Jay was on the bathroom floor. He sat, leaning against the bathtub, waiting for the next wave of nausea. Though the alcohol came up in discoloured chunks, he was pretty sure it wasn't the whisky that had him feeling this way.

He'd tracked down his phone a while back, hoping to call Erin though wholly unsure of what to say. But as he stared down at his screen, he was struck by the thought that maybe he'd done enough damage.

Since then, he'd had a call from Hank and a call from Ruzek, neither of which he wanted to answer. He wasn't sure what he wanted when it came down to it, but closing his eyes and disappearing seemed like a good enough plan.

 _I said you didn't become your father, and that's exactly what happened._

Erin's words haunted him over and over, relaying and repeating in his head each time he tried to forget. What would his mother think if she was alive to see what he'd become? How the hell was Lucy going to turn out if she had a father like Jay did?

He tucked his head between his hands and closed his eyes, wanting for everything to just end.

He'd only realised time had passed when he heard Will come home and throw a casual 'hey' his way. Then he guessed Will found the papers by the way he barged through the ajar door to the bathroom.

"What the hell is this?" Will demanded. Jay didn't look up and couldn't bring himself to answer. "Jay. Talk to me."

"Just leave it alone, Will."

"To hell with that. Look, I've given you your space with all this but… Divorce papers, really?" Jay remained silent, which he knew only infuriated his brother. "Jay!"

"What?" Jay snapped, finally looking at him.

"Where did this come from?" Jay had to give a mere look for Will to understand it all. This had their father written all over it. "Since when do you listen to what Dad has to say?"

Jay ran his hand through his hair. "Since he had some pretty good points."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I'm not doing this with you, Will."

"Why? Because you have some insane obsession with taking everything on by yourself?" Will snapped, shutting Jay up. "Aren't you thinking about Erin and Lucy, here?"

"They're all I'm thinking about."

"Does Erin know?" Will asked. Jay could hear the audible sigh from his brother as Jay barely let out a nod.

"Why are you doing this, Jay?"

"Because I'm sick of hurting her." Jay responded immediately. "For every time I make her smile there's another two that I break her. I can't be what she needs. Or what Lucy needs, for that matter."

"You have no idea do you…" Will scoffed. He frowned for a second before turning and leaving. He returned a second later with Jay's laptop under his arm. He held it out to his brother who reluctantly took it. "You're everything to her. To both of them. You've been through a bad experience, but you're not a bad husband. You're far from it."

Will hovered for another second before turning and leaving, the sound of his bedroom door closing shortly after. Jay remained still for a while until he finally decided to pick up the laptop and weave back into the life he'd made for himself.

His username flashed on the screen, asking for a password. Anger consumed him again and he slammed the lid shut, almost tossing the laptop to the other side of the bathroom. Of course it required a password - yet again a wall he couldn't break down.

He forced himself to breathe in and out using the method Dr. Charles had taught him until finally feeling at ease again. And as he took a final, deep inhalation, something clicked in his head.

He decided to try Lucy's date of birth, considering it a safe bet. And as he typed the date and watched the screen progress, a small part of the failure broke away from him.

Unsure of where to start, Jay initially clicked his 'pictures' folder. Hundreds flooded the screen in front of him, vivid and vibrant. Most of them contained Lucy, while some were of Erin caught without her knowing. He scrolled the endless pages, watching the change in his daughter. He scrolled through birthdays and holidays, parties and days out. Rainy nights and sunny days, walks in the park, ice-creams and cake, smiles and frowns. He'd captured it all.

He then moved onto videos, clicking the first he saw. It loaded in front of his eyes. He recognised the scene from a picture he'd seen at Erin's - it was the day Lucy was born.

The footage was shaky as Jay - holding the camera - entered the room. Erin was on the bed, hair sweaty and tied back, as she held a swaddled pink blanket. As Jay approached, the small face of his daughter peeked out. The image flashed from Lucy's sleeping face to Erin's tired one, but pure ecstasy consumed her expression.

"This is our baby." She said, half laughing, half almost crying.

"She's beautiful." Jay heard himself say behind the camera, his voice almost sounding near tears, too.

"Do you guys have a name, yet?" Ruzek said to the right of them, Kim close by his side.

Erin looked just north of the camera, into Jay's eyes, and nodded slightly, a smile erupting across her face. She readjusted Lucy in her arms, showing her off to the room.

"This is Lucy Olivia Halstead."

A bustle of laughter and joy seemed to fill the room. The camera shook a little but Jay could hear Erin ask if he wanted to hold his daughter.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, cold and empty, Jay couldn't deny the rattling in his chest at the sight of him. Watching, as the camera turned to reveal himself holding Lucy for the first time, pressing a long kiss to her forehead, he felt alive.

He then watched as his younger self leaned back over to Erin, kissing her meaningfully on the lips before pressing their foreheads together, their newborn daughter in the space between them.

The video cut out immediately and rolled onto the next one.

"Here, let me hold this." He heard Erin say as the image showed the inside of a car. As Erin adjusted her hold on the camera, Jay came into view. He was wearing a tux. He recognised that tux.

He looked happy in the frame - happier than he'd ever seen himself. He loosened the knot of his tie and smiled beyond the camera - at Erin.

"What are we doing right now?" Her raspy voice asked, rhetorically he guessed based on the laughter in her tone.

"We're going to Chipotle, because we seriously underestimated how much the guys could eat, and there's no wedding food left for us."

"Wedding food?" Erin said, feigned confusion. "Wait - did… Did we just get married?"

"You know what… I think we did." Jay broke out into a smile as he lifted his left hand, revealing the ring. As he sat on his laptop, he instinctively looked down at his hand and to the band still resting on his finger.

"So I guess now we're stuck with each other, huh?"

"Seems that way." Jay bit back another smile before reaching out for the camera. He turned it round to see Erin, and 2021 Jay felt something taken from him at the sight of her.

Erin had her hair in soft waves, something about it framing her face. Her makeup was light but effective, reminding him just how deep her eyes were. And though he could only see the upper half of her dress, simple lace and a casual fitting, he knew he'd never seen her look better.

"This is the face I've gotta wake up to for the next fifty years, then?"

"Uh-huh. You hit the lottery, for sure." She responded.

"I guess I did."

He paused it before a new video could start, needing a second to just breathe. Every memory he'd had come back to him had been painful and harsh - a reminder of all the times he'd broken Erin a little bit more. But he'd never seen the two of them like this - not really - where he could physically see the love between them.

When he hit play again, a new video started of later that same night.

"Okay, so we said vows today, but these are our real ones, alright? Just for us. No one needs to hear these but me and you." Erin said on the screen, wolfing down fries as the camera focused in on her. "Okay so the first one can be… We don't hide from one another. We can give each other the worst of us and no one walks out."

Jay paused the video again. Something in Erin's face, something in her voice, resonated within him. Behind her words - _No one walks out_ \- he could picture her, sunglasses and scowling on the sidewalk. He could see her frown and hear her cruel words, a complete opposite to the woman he now knew. He forced his eyes shut and tried to pull back the memory. She stumbled out of a club. She was either drunk or high, or maybe a bit of both. Erin had told him in the hospital that she'd handed in her badge after Nadia died. Maybe the two were connected.

He hit play.

"Good. But we also need to promise to try and give each other the best of us as much as we can."

He thought of all the times he'd given Erin the worst of him. His first round of PTSD, where he'd go days without talking to her when all he wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep. When he'd see her talking to some guy in a bar - later he'd find out she was telling him that she wasn't interested, but at the time his jealously took hold of any rationality - and he'd almost knock the guy out.

Memories flooded back to him - not vivid enough for him to fully picture them but enough that he could feel the remaining whisky in his stomach want to exit his body. He forced himself to take more deep breaths before hitting play again.

"Definitely." On-screen-Erin reaffirmed. She thought deeply with a fry in her mouth, leaning back against the headrest in the car. "We don't bring work home with us. Ever. We leave it at the precinct."

"Agreed." Jay heard himself say behind the camera.

There was a soft, gentle pause before the final vow was given. "We fight for us. No matter how hard things get, we fight."

He heard the hypocrisy as the laptop emitted the sound. He heard the truth as he'd said the words and how, now that he thought about it, he hadn't really fought at all.

Jay was hunched over the toilet for the next ten minutes, nothing coming from his stomach but the pain convulsions stinging like hell. When it was finally over, Jay wanted nothing more than to just lay down and sleep. But the video was there, and he couldn't help but click play again.

Erin's face illuminated at the final vow, shortly followed by her nodding in agreement. She paused before taking a deep, excited breath. "We did it. We're married."

A low chuckle could be heard behind the camera. Jay could hear the joy in his own laugh.

"I love you." He'd said.

"You promise?"

The camera turned around, showing Jay's face. He looked lovingly from Erin to the camera lens.

"This is my promise."

* * *

Erin tossed and turned that night. Lucy wanted to sleep in her bed with her and, unlike all the parenting books say, Erin didn't object. She slept in one of Jay's shirts, the smell of him encapsulating her, and held Lucy while she tried to finally stop her mind from racing and get some sleep.

Before drifting to sleep, Lucy had asked Erin a question that broke her heart all over again.

"I miss Daddy sleeping here." She whispered.

"I know." Erin had hushed back, kissing softly into her hair.

"He'll get better soon, right? Daddy always gets better."

Erin forced herself to not well up as she continued combing back Lucy's hair with her fingers. She felt alone in the darkness, unsure of what to say to a girl who missed Jay as much as Erin did. In the end, she couldn't say anything to soothe her.

"Get some sleep, baby."

After some time, Erin dropped her hand to her stomach. The skin was barely raised, the being inside of her hardly formed yet. Hank had told her when she found out she was pregnant with Lucy that there was no good time to learn the news. She wanted to scoff at that now. She trailed across the skin and tried to see it as a miracle, her last tie to Jay. It didn't feel like a miracle, though. It felt like all the sadness she'd ever felt all at once.

She still hadn't told Hank, knowing her pseudo-father would simply march on over to Jay and force him back into her life. She didn't want that. She didn't want him rejecting the idea of divorce because a baby was in the picture. That was toxic, painful and pathetic. If love couldn't make him stay, why should a baby?

She stared up at the ceiling and pictured all the times they'd lay there together, limbs tangled up in one another. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend this was all a dream - pretend he was on his way back from the grocery store that night and made it back in one piece. But the thing was about dreams, they could turn into nightmares at the drop of a pin. And Erin was certainly living hers.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Blown away by the continued response to this story - it makes me sad to think about it ending soon. But before that happens, I've gotta throw a few more twists and turns in there. I hope this is an enjoyable one!**

* * *

Erin slept in a little later than usual that morning, needing the comfort of her bed. She was woken by a knocking at the door, and though it instantly stirred up something inside of her - the prospect of it being Jay - she soon let that hope go. She knew his knocking pattern. That wasn't it.

She swung open the door to reveal Will. He was dressed in his scrubs, on his way to work she was guessing.

"Hey, Erin." He said gently, a look of sympathy for his soon to be ex-sister-in-law.

She wanted to bite his head off, to take her anger out on the one Halstead who hadn't changed. But the anger wasn't there anymore. It was just empty sadness.

"Hi."

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

Before Erin could open her mouth and express how, no, she was very much not okay, a burst of energy broke out into the room.

"Uncle Wiiiiill!" Lucy howled, running up to see her uncle with all the enthusiasm a four year old could muster at 7.30am.

"There she is!" Will grinned, leaning down to pick her up and swing her around a little. "I was looking for the prettiest girl in Chicago, and it looks like I found her."

Lucy curled into Will's side, enjoying the attention she was being paid. It made sense, Erin thought, seeing as Jay hadn't given her such compassion over the past couple of days. It was something Lucy wasn't used to. It was something Erin wasn't used to either.

"Is Daddy coming?" She asked Will, eyes wide.

He faltered a little. "You know, uh… I don't know. But I do know that he misses you like crazy and is gonna give you the biggest hug when he sees you. Okay?"

Lucy smiled a little. "Okay."

The happiness was sucked from the room as Will gently put Lucy back on the floor.

"Hey, sweetie, go and pick out what cereal you want." Erin said, barely holding her voice together. She waited until Lucy flounced off to the kitchen before meeting Will's eye again.

"Did you tell your dad to come?" Erin asked with a hollow voice, trying to take all the accusation out of her tone but failing. She had no doubt his influence was pivotal in this, and seeing as how much Will wanted him at the hospital, she wasn't entirely sure where he stood.

"Of course not." Will said. "I didn't even know he was in town."

Erin stayed silent. It didn't really matter at the end of the day - if she wanted to blame anyone, she could only blame herself. For being so naive for so long.

"Thanks for stopping by, Will." Erin said, her tone as closed as she wanted the door to be. It wasn't personal, but she could see the Halstead features in him that she'd grown to love and it was too painful to keep thinking about Jay.

"I have an idea." Will blurted out. "The problem isn't you or Lucy, it's him. He doesn't think he's good enough. So I figured if you-"

"You know, Will… I'm just… I'm really tired now. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle." She said, unsure if she actually believed the words or if it was just the pain talking. "I'm tired of fighting by myself."

"I get that, trust me, but-"

"Mama, I can't reach!" Lucy hollered from the kitchen.

Erin let out a low breath. "I'll be right there, Luce." She shouted back, before looking Will in the eye with all the sadness in her head. "He's the love of my life. I think you know that. But wanting someone who doesn't want you back, it's… It's exhausting, Will. And I have Lucy to think about." She clutched her hand to her stomach before thinking better of it - but thankful Will didn't observe the action. "So, I think… I think I'm done fighting now."

The last bit of her heart broke as she said it, knowing fully that this was it. This was how their story ended. Not with a bang, but with nothing at all.

* * *

Jay spent the morning in the gym. As with most places he went, he had the regulars greet him, but this morning he didn't have the energy to force a smile. He didn't call Hank to say he wasn't coming in, and though he tried several times to muster up the heart, he didn't call Erin, either. He opted instead for workout therapy; running as far as his legs could handle, punching as much as his arms could take. It was nice to finally get out of his head for a second.

It was literally a second, too. Because just as Jay finally got his head cleared, Dawson strode into the gym. As soon as Jay caught sight of him, he let out a sigh.

"What are you doing, here?"

"It's a slow day, thought it'd get in a workout or two." Antonio said, folding his arms across his chest. Jay rolled his eyes - Voight didn't give out 'workout days', nor did he give you time off because the work was slow.

"'Heard about you and Erin. You kids are the talk of the precinct." Antonio said, and Jay wasn't sure how it was meant to be consoling. Was he supposed to feel happy that he was the 21st's resident jackass?

Antonio opened his mouth to talk again, but Jay shut him down.

"Look, man, I just need to be me right now, okay? Not who you think I am, not who I should be… Just me."

Dawson mulled it over for a second before nodded. "Okay." He then leaned into the punching back to firm it up for Jay. "Give me fifty."

* * *

They spent the day working out. By the evening, Jay's muscles were screaming. When he showered at the gym, he took in the battered and broken look of his body. The accident muscles were healing, the scars gradually fading. Soon there'd be next to nothing there - no reminder of what had happened.

Under the steaming water, his ring gleamed on his finger. He twisted it round and round, feeling it almost burned into his skin.

When he was finished and finally left the gym, Antonio hovered on the steps outside. The sun was setting in Chicago, an orange hue filling the sky.

"Hey man, how'd you feel about a guys night?" Jay immediately wanted to say no. He didn't want everyone looking at him for an explanation or a story to tell. Before he could say anything, Antonio jumped in. "No pressure, no personal talk. Just a regular guys night. Like we used to have."

Jay thought about it, of those nights he and the guys would spend drinking beer and playing cards. Sometimes someone would bring cigars and they'd light them up, smoke filling the air as they chatted noncommittally.

Jay reluctantly agreed. "Okay."

"Great. It's at Ruzek's tonight, so at least we know the beer's stocked."

* * *

They drove straight to Adam's from the gym, and to Jay's discomfort, they took the route past Erin's apartment. He saw the light on, pictured she and Lucy having dinner or watching TV. He wanted to be there, to ask Lucy how her day was, to tuck her into bed later that night. He wanted to be the father she deserved. The husband Erin deserved.

"For what it's worth, you're a great dad." Antonio said, reading Jay's expression from the driver's seat.

Jay felt the urge to argue the point - to bring up all the times he hadn't been. But instead he forced himself to just shut up and take the words. He was a good dad.

They spent the night playing poker and, to Antonio's word, not a single syllable was brought up about Erin and Jay. Halstead guessed that a text had been sent telling everyone to stay off the topic. But as the night progressed, despite the fun he was having, Jay couldn't deny that he wanted Erin there. Before all this - before the marriage and the dating - she was the person he looked for in the crowd. He craved her smile and laughter, the way her eyes lit up when she said something just for him.

And by the end of the night, all he wanted to do was see her face. But he assumed she was still pretty pissed at him - not that he blamed her. So he forced himself to stay away and stop messing with her head. As much as it killed him.

It was 11.30 when the game finished, Atwater raking in most of the money. The beer bottles were empty and everyone was pretty tired. Seeing as Jay had no one to go home to, he offered to stay and help Ruzek clear up. They said goodnight to the rest of the colleagues, and Jay went as far to say he'd see them all tomorrow. He was ready to face the precinct. He was ready to face Erin.

"This was a good night. I'm glad you came, man." Adam said, picking up the chip packets and as many bottles as he could manage.

"Yeah, me too."

Ruzek held an awkward silence as he figured out how to phrase the next question. "So, have you… Signed it yet?"

Jay let out a deep sigh. "No."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know."

When everything was finally clear and Jay was ready to go, Adam left him with parting wisdom.

"Look, man, if this crash taught us anything, it's that life's too short. So either finally hold on or just let her go. Make a choice. Don't drag her along like this."

Jay ran a hand across his face, knowing it wasn't that simple. He had too many factors to consider: what he wanted, what she wanted, what was best for her, what was best for him, what Lucy needed, what Lucy wanted… It rans laps in his head until it gave him a migraine.

He frowned and took a few deep breaths before asking Adam a question he should've asked a long time ago.

"Was she happy?" He asked. "Before the accident, I mean. Was our family… Did it make her happy?"

"The happiest since I met her."

That was all he ever wanted to hear.

* * *

Erin was curled up on her couch, Kim sitting on the opposite end while Lucy was sound asleep in her room. Like clockwork she had asked about Jay as Erin tucked her in, and once again Erin found herself lying to her daughter, telling her that 'daddy should be home soon.'

"I don't understand it myself, how the hell do I explain it to a four year old?" Erin asked Kim.

As expected, Kim didn't have an answer. No one did. She suspected maybe Jay knew what to say, but he was the one person she didn't want to speak with. Her mind kept returning to what Will had said that morning. _He doesn't think he's good enough_. She knew he was. And she loved him for it. But she couldn't escape the idea that maybe he'd lost himself, and there was no getting him back.

"Are you going to tell him?" Burgess asked, eyes going momentarily to Erin's stomach.

"No."

"Erin-"

"I'm not gonna beg him to stay." She said adamantly. But as she said it, the idea of raising two children without him was terrifying. He was always the best at midnight feeds, his military training meaning he could wake up promptly at any time. He kept the cupboards stocked with diapers and lotions. He soothed the demons in her head when it all got too much.

She didn't even want a family - not until she met him. And that was only because he gave her the strength to do it. Because he was her partner in everything. Always. Or at least, he

She didn't know when she was going to tell him but it wasn't going to be now.

And as easy as it was to look back six years - to remember the first time she kissed him, slept with him, the moment she fell in love with him - it was endlessly easy to envision the next six years. Alone and still wanting him.

* * *

Jay didn't sleep much that night, he paced. He sat and stood, forcing himself inside his head and to his life. He found fragments of things he'd previously remembered and tried to piece them together. He used photos on his laptop to trigger anything in his head, watching video after video to try and listen to the sounds. Like a collage of his life, he built everything up in his head, like rome from the ruins.

By the time sunrise rolled around, he was still on his laptop.

He found a picture of Lucy holding Max the Monkey, but saw her knee was skimmed. It felt familiar. He could picture her crying, her face contorted as she screamed in the middle of the park. He felt as though he'd maybe put a Princess Jasmine bandaid over it, kissing that and then her forehead.

He found a picture of Erin chugging a beer, Mouse laughing in the background. He could hear the chanting in the back of his mind, everyone rooting for Lindsay to down her beer. He could see the smile of victory as she did it, leaning over to kiss Jay with her beer-soaked lips.

He found a picture of Hank holding Lucy as she sat on a bike. It was her first one. Hank had bought it for her. Jay recognised the rainbow tassels, he could picture them blowing in the wind as Hank steadied her to ride it.

He clicked for the next picture. Then the next. With each new image his heart beat quicker until he landed on one that stole the breath from his lungs.

It showed him and Erin, with her hand pressed proudly up to camera. On her finger was a gleaming diamond ring. It was the night he'd proposed - the night he'd promised her an abundance of things. He reached for the exact words he'd used that night, but was instead interrupted by his brother coming home from working a night shift.

"Productive night?" Will asked nonchalantly as he rounded the couch, taking Jay out of his project.

"Yeah." Jay said, eyes scanning the array of pictures, but inevitably landing back on the proposal. "Yeah, you could say that."

He left to get dressed, returning in a black v-neck and dark jeans. He clipped his badge to his side and was ready to dive into breakfast before hearing a knock at the door. With Will in the bathroom, Jay went to open it.

"Morning, son." His father said, just as prim and proper as he looked the day before. "You look well."

Jay was absolutely sure he wasn't. He had virtually no sleep - like most nights - though his chest felt lighter. He didn't feel like a black hole was sucking him away. Maybe it was evident on his face.

"My plane for Miami leaves at six tonight. I was wondering if you'd made the right choice yet."

Jay looked at his father, and for one of the few times in his life, didn't feel angry. His blood wasn't boiling and his heart wasn't bursting with frustration. Instead, he felt pity for the man standing in front of him. His life had been wasted - sure, he had the fast cars and the lines of women, but what was truly left was merely hollow successes.

And as he thought about his father's life, he found himself struck with a sudden realisation.

"You never wanted her to be happy."

"What?"

Jay's eyes lit up with realisation, as though he'd finally cracked the enigma that was his father. He heard Will leave the bathroom and join them, confusion in his voice.

"What's going on?" Will asked from behind Jay.

"Mom. You never wanted her to be happy." Jay said, eyes hard and steady on his father. "That's why you'd never properly leave her. Because that meant letting her be happy."

He thought about what he wanted for Erin - what he'd only every wanted for her. To be happy. And to do that, he was willing to let her go. Something his father never could do.

"I'm not you." Jay said, almost smiling as the tension broke away from his chest. He felt lighter with each word. "I've never been you."

He strode past his father and out of the apartment, heart only set on going to the precinct. Instead of letting Erin be happy by leaving, Jay decided he was going to make Erin happy by staying.

"Jay! Get back here." His father boomed.

Jay turned. "The papers are on the table. You can either throw them in the trash or let me do it. It's your call."

And with that, he finally broke away from whatever hold his father had on him.

* * *

He felt alive as he walked into the precinct. He felt happy. He thought he'd felt happiness since the accident but he hadn't - not really. He let himself upstairs and prepared himself to see Erin, to tell her everything he needed to.

But the atmosphere was off. Everyone was quiet. The room felt tense. Everyone looked at Jay was consolatory eyes, but no one offered up anything to say. Not until Jay asked for it.

"What's going on?" He asked. He noticed after saying it that Erin's desk was empty.

"You seen Lindsay this morning?" Hank asked, eyes like fire. Jay could see that his boss wanted to throw him in the cage for a couple of hours - not that Jay blamed him. But he'd fix that later.

"No. Why, where is she?"

"That's what we're trying to find out." Antonio chimed in.

Jay creased his eyebrow. "Did you call her?"

"You know what, Halstead, that never crossed my mind." Voight snarled. Maybe it would've affected Jay before, but not now. "I stopped by her apartment. She's not there."

Jay grabbed his phone from his pocket, dialling a number immediately.

"I just told you-" Voight snapped before Jay interrupted.

"I'm not calling Erin." Jay argued back, tone sharp enough to cut glass. He waited for the Sunshine Daycare to pick up. "Hi, this is Jay Halstead. I just wanted to know if my daughter, Lucy, got dropped off this morning?"

He could hear the pounding in his head when the answer was no. He robotically thanked the woman anyway and ended the call, his hand holding his phone falling limp to his side.

"So, what does this mean?" Jay asked, feeling hollow. "She's… She's been in an accident? Has anything come in?"

"We're checking every five minutes, but so far, no." Atwater said.

"Well, check it every three!" Jay yelled, knowing it was irrational statement. He felt sick.

He started pacing, trying to think what he's say if a perp on their case went missing, tried to think how they'd track him.

"Traffic cams?" He asked the room.

"The system's down, but I'm trying." Mouse said. Jay wanted to snap, 'try harder', but managed to keep it in. The look on Mouse's face was quietly calming. It was the face to get him through the war.

He turned back to Voight, the man whose morals had always been questionable and stirred up controversy in the unit. But now, all he saw was a man just as worried as Jay was.

"What do we do?" Halstead asked, the question coming out more like a beg.

Before Hank could respond, a deep ring filled the room. Everyone looked to the phone on their desk, but as it turned out, it was Jay's. He sighed, not wanting to deal with menial calls right now. Yet he forced himself to, though couldn't ease his voice as he answered.

"Halstead." He murmured.

"Detective." The voice was rough and gritty. He'd heard it before. He knew he had. "Are we not going to start with pleasantries?"

Jay felt his face go slack. "Who are you?" He asked firmly. He then looked over to Mouse, mouthing, 'track it.' He hit the speaker button for the unit to hear the call.

"Don't play dumb with me, Detective. I'm far too smart for that." The voice countered. "I only called to let you know the game's begun. You're gonna learn how it feels to have the things you love taken away."

The line went dead, and Jay was sure he felt his heart stop.

"No!" He shouted, hearing the sound of an empty line. He looked frantically over to Mouse. "Did you get it?"

"I only got the rough area." Mouse said. Jay groaned in frustration, knowing he should've kept the conversation going long enough for Mouse to narrow it down.

"You know who it is, Halstead?" Voight asked.

"I don't know… I've heard the voice before, but…" He was a split second away from feeling useless - the feeling he'd become far too familiar with. But Hank didn't let him dwell on it.

"Pull up our cases for the last six months. Cross reference Halstead with everything."

"What about the guy he shot a couple months back?" Adam interjected. "Mario's brother?"

Jay felt like a blurry image was coming into focus. He just needed more details.

"What was the case?" He asked Adam.

"Drugs bust." Al responded. "We wanted Mario Rossi. He ran out the back but his brother got the shotgun and met us out front."

"He fired a couple shots," Antonio finished up, eyes strong on Halstead. "one hit Lindsay's vest. You put him on the ground, but the bullet nicked an artery and he died on the way to Chicago Med."

Jay breathed deeply, picturing the scene. He remembered it, that feeling of panic as Erin hit the floor, him firing one steady shot without giving it a second thought.

"Mario Rossi." Jay breathed. "It's him. It has to be."

"There's not much chance he's still living there, but I want Olinsky and Ruzek to go and check it out anyway." Hank boomed before turning to Mouse. "Get me everything on this guy. And keep trying the system. We need those traffic cams."

Antonio sat in his chair and picked up the phone, as did Atwater. "We'll reach out to CIs, see if there's any word on the street about this."

It was all becoming white noise to Jay as his eyes remained heavy on Erin's desk. If he'd have been there, it wouldn't have happened. If he'd have been home with his family, where he should've been, they would both be safe right now.

He felt Hank's hand pressed to his shoulder. "We'll bring them back."

He nodded steadily, but a voice remained in his head telling him it wasn't going to be that easy.


	24. Chapter 24

Antonio had luck with one CI, while Atwater drew up nothing. Olinsky and Ruzek returned stating the place was abandoned, and by what the neighbours were saying, had been for some time.

Jay sat at his desk feeling useless, knowing that the seconds were precious and he was letting them slip by.

"Traffic cams are up." Mouse finally announced, and Jay practically raced to see the screen.

The images loaded and showed Erin's drive to the daycare. _I should be there with her,_ Jay thought, the sickness in his stomach only intensifying. He should've been right next to her, complaining about not being in the drivers seat with all the lighthearted banter their relationship was built on.

The route continued for a few more blocks until a black sedan began tailgating the car.

"There." He said, pointing at the screen.

Jay felt his heart quicken as the images loaded, watched with baited breath as the sedan finally bumped the side of Erin. He felt lightheaded as she pulled over, the sedan copying the action, and stormed out of the driver's side. He could feel the anger she had in the moment.

A breath left his body as he watched the guy out of the sedan grab Erin. Despite her kicking and fighting he continued to drag her all the way back to the car, throwing her in the backseat like a bag of trash. Halstead felt his fists clench at the sight, his heart quicken. This only intensified as Rossi returned to Erin's car, removing Lucy from the carseat. Her face was contorted in screams, her legs and arms fighting against him as he carried her to whoever was in the passenger seat.

Jay wanted to scream. Why weren't any cars passing at that time? Didn't anyone in the nearby apartments or stores hear anything? Why was no one there to save them? Why wasn't he there to save them?

Words failed Jay, so Hank stepped in.

"Get that registration number and run it." He said coolly. "D'you get me anything on Rossi?"

"Yeah. A purchase places him here," Mouse tacked on a sheet to the board where he'd drawn a map. "At 5.30 this morning."

"Anything unusual?" Atwater asked.

"Two weeks ago 50k went out of his account."

"My CI said Rossi was looking for a partner." Antonio said, stepping back in at just the right moment. "50k for a quick grab off the street."

Jay wanted to scream. So that's what Erin and Lucy were worth.

"You got any names?" Voight asked Dawson.

"Three guys who seemed interested." He responded. "Jackson Polidge, Horatio Mendez and Damian Fremont."

"Mouse, run those names, see if we get anything." Hank ordered. Mouse nodded in compliance and started work on it.

Jay paced back and forth, hands on the back of his neck. As the room fell to a soft hum as everyone worked, Jay couldn't stand it. He stormed past Voight and back towards the break room, where he leaned against a counter and lowered his head.

This was the room where he fell in love with her. He wouldn't let it be the room he lost her in, too.

His breathing couldn't steady as his mind took shots at what was happening right now. He tried to shut down his thoughts but it didn't work. He only broke out of it minutes later when he heard a small voice call his name.

"Jay." He turned and saw Kim's worried face shining at him from the doorway. "Platt just told me."

He tried to keep himself together and composed, but it didn't work. He felt entirely fractured.

As his eyes met Kim's, he saw she looked troubled by something. "Look, Jay, there's something you should know." She said with a pained voice. "It's about Erin… She's…"

Before Kim could finish, Ruzek shouted from his desk that he'd found something. And when Jay heard those words, everything else flew from his head.

They all hunched around his desk, watching with unwavering eyes as he relayed what he'd found.

"Rossi's cousin's got a place just across town. A neighbour called in a domestic ten minutes ago saying she heard noises coming from there. She said she heard a woman screaming."

Jay sprung into action. "Get me that address."

"You haven't been cleared, yet, Halstead." Hank said.

Jay felt anger burn through him. "I'm not just sitting here. Permission or not, I'm coming."

The air was electric. Looking into Hank's eyes, Jay was ready for the fight of his life. Thankfully, he had Voight on his side.

"Vest up."

* * *

Erin's eyes opened instantly as she sprung back ton consciousness. She assessed the room quickly - a guest bedroom, unfamiliar to her. She pulled her limbs to realise that her arms and leg were bound, and the gag in her mouth was made evident when she tried to scream.

But worst of all, Lucy was nowhere to be seen.

Erin writhed on the bed and continued to make guttural noises into the gag - making her sound more like a dying animal than anything else. Thankfully, it worked, and soon enough Rossi made an appearance.

She knew who he was. His brother was the reason she had a bruise on her stomach for three weeks and why Jay was even more cautious than usual for months afterward.

Mario smiled as he approached Erin. He leaned over the bed and took his time taking the gag out of her mouth. She saw he had something to say, but spat her words at him before he had the chance.

"Where is she? What have you done with her?"

"Calm down, Detective." He smirked. "A girl as pretty as that? I wouldn't dream of hurting her…"

Erin felt sick. The feeling only intensified when he dragged a finger across her cheek. Erin did her best to shuffle from him, feeling revolted at the intimacy he put between them.

"If you touch her… If you lay one finger on her…. I. Will. Bury. You." She snarled, feeling her blood boiling like never before. She could still hear Lucy's screams in her head, haunting her. "Do you understand me? You touch one hair on her head and I will end you!"

Rossi paced around the room, a grin on his face. "You're feisty, I like that. But lets not forget that I'm the one calling the shots around here."

She pulled against the rope that bound her hands, already feeling it burning the skin. Her muscles were beginning to ache too - a result of her endless kicks and punches that resulted in the gun being smacked against her face back in the Sedan.

"What do you want?" She asked through gritted teeth. Despite the hard tone, she was breaking internally. If anything happened to Lucy… Even the thought made her sick. She'd already lost Nadia. She wasn't going to let the universe repeat what had happened years prior.

And then she thought to the foetus slowly growing inside of her. She gulped and tried not to make her absolute fear obvious.

Mario observed her for a second before throwing her a patronised smile. "Why don't you let the men handle the business and you just be a pretty face for me to look at."

Erin laughed angrily. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Do you even know who runs the Intelligence unit? It's Hank Voight. And the second he finds out about this, you're gonna be begging for him to put a bullet in your head."

"You paint a pretty picture, but no. Hank Voight is not the man I'm looking for."

Erin froze, but hoped it wasn't evident on her face. She thought this was a general act of revenge - against the Unit as a whole. But no, this was personal.

A couple of months ago, she'd have had no doubt that her husband would be there to save the day. But this was a different time, and Erin couldn't help but dwell on the real possibility that Jay was still drinking in his apartment, being a ghost of his former self.

She steadied her jaw, holding her head high.

"Well, then, you're a bigger idiot than I thought. I can't even imagine what fresh hell my husband's gonna unleash on you when he walks through that door."

Mario held his smirk as he continued to pace.

"Let's hope he shows up, then." His eyes washed over Erin's body. She shivered involuntarily. "For your sake."

Erin steadied the beating of her heart. He'd show up. She knew he would.

She heard the vows they made to one another. _We fight for us. No matter how hard things get, we fight_. Surely, somewhere deep in his bones, he would remember that. She prayed he would.

"Though, I must say, there's one thing that has me curious." Mario continued. "If you're so sure your husband is going to walk through that door, where is your ring?"

She gritted her teeth. He'd noticed then - observed the lack of a wedding ring on her finger. Though she faltered for half a second, her retort came out before she could fully process it.

"My ring could be at the bottom of the Chicago river and he'd still walk through that door." Erin said, albeit shaky.

Mario rubbed his hand across his forehead, sighing. "I'm getting a little tired of your voice now, Detective." He reached for the gag and moved to put it back on before pausing for a second. "I do have some other things in mind for that pretty little mouth of yours, however."

"Go to hell." Erin snarled before spitting in his face.

As he fell back disorientated, Erin kicked him with her two bound legs, knocking his balance even further. However, it proved inevitably futile as he regained his stance and was back over her. He slapped her hard - she felt the stinging ripple through her skin, before shoving the gag back in her mouth as she screamed.

"You just made a mistake." He growled through heavy breathing.

The last thing Erin saw before screaming so hard it became difficult to breathe was Rossi pull the knife from his back pocket.

* * *

Jay couldn't sit still in the car. He felt Hank giving him looks from the driver side, and he told himself to keep a cool head, but he just couldn't.

"She told me once that I didn't know a good thing when I saw it." He finally said. "That's what I did here, right? I didn't see what I had."

"We're going to bring them home." Hank reiterated. Jay tried repeating that to himself. Over and over and over again.

They rolled up the address Ruzek found and everyone excited their vehicles. He retrieved his gun and held it steadily as everyone paced towards the front door. Jay went first, not bothering to knock as he got into position beside the door. Atwater then plowed it down with a battering ram.

"Chicago PD!" Jay screamed as they all filed inside. He headed straight upstairs, feeling Antonio behind him. He rounded the corners swiftly and carefully. He kicked down each door as he passed, shouting 'clear' with each empty one he found. It was clear that Rossi had fled.

When he approached the last door, something inside of him knew she'd be there. He kicked open the door, losing his steadiness when he saw her writhing on the bed.

For half a second, the sight was picture perfect for another moment in their lives. She'd gone in without backup and he'd found her bound and gagged as she was now. Both times broke something inside of him.

"Erin!" He shouted her name as he went over to her. He pulled the gag from her mouth, holding her head in his hands. She was drenched in a cold sweat and her eyes were barely open.

He heard Dawson behind him call for an ambulance after shouting to the rest of the unit that they'd got Lindsay.

"Are you alright?" Jay breathed. He untied her hands and swiftly searched her body for injuries, swallowing thickly when he felt a wetness around her lower stomach. His hand was a deep crimson. A stab wound. "You're bleeding."

He looked over his shoulder to Antonio, making sure he could see the injury. A look of worry swept his face too as he relayed the severity of her injury over the phone.

"L-Lucy…" Erin groaned as she slipped in and out of consciousness.

As Hank entered, Jay looked to him desperately. "Did you get Lucy?"

Hank tensely shook his head. "She's not here."

"They…. Have her. I tried…" Erin spluttered.

As she spoke, Jay's eyes went to the bedside. With blood soaked fingertips, he picked up a note that had been left there. It read, _'you're getting warmer.'_

Jay felt himself sweating, the possibilities of what they had done with his daughter flashing painfully in his head. He tried to force them out, to stay positive, but he was flagging.

"Jay…" Erin managed. "Find her. I can't… Live without… Her."

"I know. I can't either." He breathed, wide-eyed and terrified.

Jay felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and shakily took it out. He answered it quickly and put it on speaker, desperate for some news.

"Car belongs to Damian Fremont. We have it parked outside a warehouse on 34th."

"Got it." Jay breathed, eyes on Hank.

"Let's go." Voight breathed after clutching Erin's hand with everything he had and promising he was going to get her daughter.

Jay stood up but kept his eyes on Erin. As she faded in and out she held his eye contact, the look giving him more strength than he could imagine.

"Go." She said.

He faltered still. He had so much he needed to say to her. And she was bleeding. And time was running out.

"Jay… Please…" She begged, her voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "Go."

Jay gulped and turned to Dawson, who said he'd stay with her until the ambulance came. He turned back to look at Erin once more before racing out on a hunt to find his daughter.

* * *

 **Overwhelmed at everyone reviewing/messaging me/talking about this story in general. So so grateful. The end is near now - hope you guys stick around to finish it! Thanks for reading.**


	25. Chapter 25

The warehouse was across town, and on the ride there all Jay could visualise was Erin's broken body. He'd seen her like that before, he knew he had. But with a guy with a knife to her throat. Jay had shot him without hesitation. The images came back in one hectic flood, so vivid and real it was as though he'd never forgotten.

When they finally pulled up at the warehouse, Halstead barely waited until the car rolled to a stop before jumping out and heading towards the door, feet crunching on the gravel. The adrenaline pumped through his veins. This was it.

And suddenly, his phone rang. He whipped it from his pocket and saw the unknown number flash on the screen. He swallowed before answering, again hitting the speakerphone option.

"I see you've found me. Nice work." Mario chuckled. "Here's the funny thing: I've got a bomb rigged to blow this whole thing to pieces."

Jay squared his jaw, his breath uneven. With scared eyes he look up at the building. He knew Lucy was in there. His defenceless daughter who was made up of nothing but goodness. The same girl who thought that Santa was real and still believed in the tooth fairy. The girl who was so pure it made him believe there was still some good left in the world.

"What do you want?" Jay asked through gritted teeth.

"You." He responded immediately. "You come in alone, and we end this like men. If I see any of your team even attempt entry, I will blow everything - including your little girl - to dust."

Everyone stared back at him, determined for him not to take the deal. He watched Hank turn and get the bomb squad on the phone, but he knew it would be too late.

"She was calling for you." Mario said. "You don't want to keep her waiting, Detective."

"Fine." Jay said. "Me and you. No one else. You just leave her the hell alone."

A chuckle came from the other end of the line. "I knew you'd make the right choice."

Jay tucked his phone into his pocket and tried to steady his breath. He could do it. He could save her. Because if he couldn't…

He didn't even want to consider that.

"Wait for the bomb squad." Voight said, ending his call at just the right time. "They're fifteen minutes out."

"We can't wait that long, I have to go in."

"Halstead-"

"I'm going in!" Jay yelled.

Hank stepped up to him with that signature Voight intimidation. "If I let you go in there and Erin loses you, she'll never forgive me."

"And if I don't get Lucy out, she'll never forgive me, either."

They were at an impasse, and the clock was ticking. Voight's eyes remained unwavering, as did Jay's.

"She's four years old." Jay begged. "She's my daughter. I'm not leaving her."

He felt his team, in turn, pat him on the shoulder, all offering their support and strength. Finally, Hank's eyes softened and he tensed his jaw. He nodded, with his brow tensed in concern. If Hank Voight was afraid, Jay sure as hell needed to be.

* * *

He entered the warehouse alone, nothing but the pounding of his heart and heavy breathing to keep him company. The room was dark, caked with a thick layer of dust. He stared down the corridor straight ahead to see a large door, barely on its hingers, slightly ajar.

He swallowed any hesitation and surged forward. If for a second he felt doubt, he pictured Lucy's face and knew he didn't have a choice in this. He was bringing her home.

When he finally got to the threshold, slipping through the door, he saw Lucy strapped to a chair. Her head lolled to the side and she seemed non-responsive.

"Lucy." He gasped, taking off in a sprint. He kneeled down in front of her, his heart in his stomach. The time he took checking for her pulse seemed to last an eternity. When he finally found it, he let out a big a sigh as he could manage. He went to untie her hands before hearing the blood-curdling voice.

"I hope you're saying your goodbyes."

Jay turned, got to his feet. He remembered that face, there's no way he could forget it. Because he saw that face, and he saw Erin taking a bullet to her vest.

"This can be really hard or really easy." Jay said smoothly.

"This only turns out one way." Mario said, taking slow, even steps towards Jay. "Me walking out of here with my heart beating, and you on the floor with yours not."

Jay swallowed. He felt the gun at his side. _Shoot. Shoot now._

He must've twitched because Mario pulled a gun from his back, too. "I wouldn't try it, detective. Or your daughter will have a pretty little hole in her head. Right. Between. The. Eyes."

Jay took his gun from the holster and held it by his side. He felt beads of sweat make their way down the back of his neck as he watched Mario point the gun just left of Jay, right at Lucy.

"You're not a fan of fair fights then, huh?" Jay asked, trying not to let his nerves show.

"You wanted to be such a big man when you killed my brother. Let's see you be the big man, now. Drop the gun. Kick it over."

Jay's mind raced a million miles an hour as he did as Rossi said.

With his gun on the floor, Jay watched apprehensively as Mario put his gun down too - right beside Halstead's. Rossi chuckled thickly before cracking his knuckles, the sound echoing off the walls.

"I'm going to tear you apart with my bare hands. I want to feel the blood of the man who killed my brother running through my fingertips."

Jay only tensed his jaw. His mind was on Lucy - whatever they'd done to her, he didn't want to waste a single second. She needed to be on her way to Chicago Med.

"I'm not unreasonable." Rossi added after a passing moment. "I'll let you have the first hit."

Jay took a few steps forward, as did Rossi. Soon, when they were only inches from each other, Jay lurched forward with everything he had. He punched and kicked, feeling the breath knocked out of him as Rossi retaliated.

Soon they were both on the floor, Jay on top of Mario as he threw three hard punches to his face. Blood spouted from his nose and it caught Jay off guard for a second. He looked at the blood on his knuckles and and thought of Erin with her stab wound. What if it was septic? What if she didn't pull through? What if-

Mario grappled him until he had the upper hand, pounding Jay's stomach with everything he had. Jay felt his anger, his desperation to avenge his brother in every blow he landed.

Each one hit Jay worse than the last. His vision became blurry and his body numb. He groaned in pain and spat out blood, pretty sure the wounds that had healed from the accident had reappeared. He creased in pain, wanting for it to just end.

And then, with another punch to his abdomen, something clicked in Jay's head. The air felt dusty, the heat unbearable. His military gear felt heavy on his back as the heat of the sun beat down on him. He blinked rapidly, feeling nothing but fear in his heavy beating heart.

But then survival mode kicked in and he lashed out in a way he hadn't done since Afghanistan. Where he detached from his body and did what he needed to stay alive.

Everything happened so quickly. He felt his limbs move with more speed and dexterity than they had done in years, screaming under the strain but continuing nonetheless. He punched until his knuckles hurt and then long after that. He punched until Mario stopped moving and then long after that.

He told himself to stop, knowing the Afghan heat and sand under his fingertips wasn't real - that it was just a memory he'd conjured up in a need to fight back.

 _It's not real. Get out of it. Stop._

 _Stop._

 _Stop._

 _Stop._

At some point, for some reason, he looked up and his vision landed on Lucy.

 _Stop._

He snapped out of whatever hold it had over him. He rolled off Rossi and spluttered for air. Drenched in sweat, his vision slowly came back into focus and he could finally breathe again. He sucked in the air slow and steady.

While his breathing came heavy, he lurched for his gun in the split second his mind told him to. He scrambled to his feet and pointed it low to the piece of trash in front of him.

He pictured Erin, bloody and shaking, and held the gun a little steadier. Then he looked over his shoulder and saw Lucy, and any deep lust for revenge seeped out of his body. If he fired that gun, there would be inquiries, investigations, probably some jail time. He knew how the system worked. Mario Rossi deserved a bullet in his chest, but Jay wasn't going to give it him. He was going to get his daughter to Chicago Med and make sure that Erin pulled through.

Though the pain in his legs soared, Jay dropped his gun and painfully limped his way over to Lucy. He pushed the hair back from her face and again scanned her body for signs of injury. He breathed a sigh of relief upon finding nothing and quickly untied her hands and legs from around the chair.

With a guttural groan, Jay lifted his daughter in his arms and carried her. He walked slowly, his muscles aching under the strain as he carried her past Rossi's still body and down the same corridor he walked down. He looked up and into the light, instantly seeing a team flood in. The bomb squad.

He awkwardly pointed to the room he'd just escaped, the squad nodding as they flooded past him. Steadying himself on his feet again, Jay shuffled out of the warehouse and into the sunlight.

"Halstead!" Ruzek shouted, instantly running to collect Lucy from his arms.

"She's got a pulse." Jay said, his voice strained.

"You alright?" Voight was next to him, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Halstead? You good?"

Jay took a second to regain his breath but nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Lindsay crossed his mind instantly. This wasn't over. "What about Erin? Is she okay?"

"She's at Chicago Med." Atwater said, heading towards the car. "Let's meet her there. Come on."

* * *

Jay paced outside paediatrics, rubbing his hands up and down his biceps. He'd gotten briefly checked for his injuries but he was virtually in the clear.

He looked tentatively into the room to see a doctor checking Lucy, giving her various tests. He was waiting for those words saying she was okay, that she was going to be fine. Maybe then he could finally breathe again.

He hadn't seen Erin - none of the team had. And it had plagued Jay's head in the worst possible way. But Will had fought his way through hospital policies to track down the doctor on her case and found out that she was okay. Well, as okay as one could be after going through that. He frowned as he thought back to it, feeling guilt at what had happened. He should've been there.

"Detective?"

Jay snapped his head up, the doctor looking at him with bright, wide eyes.

"You can see her now."

Jay looked past the doctor and to Lucy sitting on the exam bed. Her face lit up. So did his.

He followed the doctor into the room and wasted no time before wrapping his daughter up in his arms. Her hair smelled of that Jungle Shampoo she used, and it comforted him in a way nothing else could.

"She's okay? Completely?" Jay asked, looking back up at the doctor.

"She was given a pretty strong sleeping sedative, so expect her to be drowsy for the next 12-18 hours. I'm also advising she see Dr. Charles for a few sessions of psychiatry, just to ensure she works through any emotional trauma suffered today."

Jay nodded. It seemed like a smart idea.

"I'll give you two some time alone."

As the doctor left the room Jay sat down on the bed with Lucy curled into his side. She played with the material of his shirt as she yawned.

"What happened, daddy?"

He took a deep breath. "Some bad men did some bad things. But they won't ever do it again." He kissed Lucy's head. A beat passed before Lucy became restless. Her voice, small as it was, came out broken and distressed.

"Mama - they took her! The bad men-"

"I know. I know. But she's fine. The doctors have fixed her, she's okay."

That seemed to soothe Lucy. Jay however wasn't so easily soothed. He needed to see her. He needed to see for himself.

"Are you still sick?" Lucy asked.

"No." He said, not wavering in the slightest. "Not anymore."

A gentle knocking rapped off the door, and Jay turned to see Hank in the doorway. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, an open grin on his face.

"Grandpa!" Lucy said, her eyes sleepily trying to stay open.

"I asked where the bravest person in the hospital was and the nurses told me to come here." Hank said. Jay smiled and lifted Lucy from his lap. It was endearing watching her go to him. "I'm so proud of you, Lucy. Your mom and dad are, too."

Hank lifted her up and squeezed her tight. With Lucy tucked into him, he looked forward and to Jay.

"You did good, Halstead." He said, and Jay took it as though it were a badge of honour. He was about to close his eyes for a second and recuperate, before he heard the words to send him to his feet. "Erin's awake."

"She is?" Jay asked, wide-eyed. Hank nodded. He went to leave, then nodded to Lucy. "Can you-"

"I got her. Now you go and get Erin."

Jay grinned. He kissed Lucy's cheek as he passed, then took off down the corridor.

* * *

He found her room fairly easily - the unit hovering outside made it pretty obvious. He felt all eyes on him as he approached, coupled with words of respect for what he'd done. He accepted them humbly and threw smiles round, but made hasty work to slip into Erin's room.

She looked washed out against the white of the room, but her eyes still seemed dark and sunken. She looked to him instantly as he entered, something unfamiliar in her eyes.

Kim stood from her bedside, Jay only now realising her presence. "I'll be right outside." She said, offering a gentle smile to Jay as she passed him. The door clicked closed behind Burgess.

"You saved her." Erin said, her voice slightly hoarse. "You saved me."

"You saved me plenty of times before. It's what we do, right?" He said, a smile slipping his lips as he echoed the words she'd said after the accident.

She gave him a small smile, enough to ease the aching in his muscles before letting it drop from her lips.

"Jay-"

"I love you." He said, a little breathless as though the words took everything out of his lungs. Her eyes scanned him. He felt his heart pounding. "I'm in love with you. I think I have been since the day I met you. And I think I knew right then that this was how it was gonna turn out for us. I mean, it had to, right? Because anything else would just be second best." He thought of another life - any life without Erin or Lucy - and felt sick. They were it. They were the only future that made sense.

She looked breathless, too. And he knew then that this was exactly what she needed to hear, what she'd always needed to hear from him.

"This is the life I want. With you and Lucy. I almost lost both of you today… And I don't ever want that to happen again."

She opened her mouth to speak, her eyes fluttering a glistening a little. Before the words fell however, the door creaked open, and Dr. Raybolt let himself in.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting? I can come back."

Erin sat up a little in the bed. "No, no it's fine."

Jay took slow breaths, giving his head a chance to catch up to his heart. He stepped aside and gave the doctor room.

"Well, as you know the wound to your abdomen should heal nicely in the next couple of weeks, just go easy and try not to exert yourself." Erin nodded. Jay flooded with a new wave of relief. "And after speaking with Dr. Jefferson from OB I'm delighted to tell you that there are no lasting effects on the foetus. Your baby should be fine, so long as, again, you take it easy. We'll schedule frequent scans to ensure nothing develops, but we're very hopeful. You've got yourself a fighter there."

"What?" Jay said, mouth agape. He turned to Erin who was sporting a relieved but anxious look.

"I'll give you two a moment." Dr. Raybolt said awkwardly as he excused himself. The door clicked into place and they fell into silence.

"Any of that speech you want to take back?"

"You're pregnant?"

She nodded, and he could see the way her glassy eyes watched him that it scared her. And he didn't blame her. His recent actions didn't exactly instil fatherly confidence.

As he looked into her eyes, he felt something familiar. "Can you… Can you say it?"

She looked confused for a second, but complied. "I'm pregnant."

 _They sat at the table, platefuls of food in between both of them but neither of them eating. An awkward tension filled the room, with both detectives too wrapped up in their individual thoughts to notice it. It had been a tough day at work, and to top it off, both of them had things to discuss with the other._

 _Jay's 'Can we talk tonight?' was met with Erin's 'Yeah, I have things I wanna talk about too', and had led them right up to this moment._

 _Jay coughed and shuffled in his chair. He fiddled with his glass, then folded his arms across his chest. When he finally looked back at Erin, he decided to just say it._

 _"So I've been thinking lately. About you and me. A lot. And I think…" She looked about as nervous as he felt. "I think we should try and have a baby."_

 _She stilled. "You do?"_

 _"Yeah." Jay breathed. "I know you said before that you didn't think you wanted a family, but… Just think about it. I mean, doesn't a part of you think this could be really great?"_

 _She looked down, hitching her eyebrow before giving him a tiny, nervous smile._

 _"The thing I wanted to talk about with you tonight?" He nodded. "I took a pregnancy test this morning."_

 _His eyes lit up with disbelief. "Really?"_

 _She nodded. "It was positive." She broke out into a smile. The room filled with his joyous laugh and she couldn't help but join in. She'd never felt so bright._

 _"I'm pregnant."_

"Jay?" Erin prompted.

"I remember." He said, breaking out into a grin. "With Lucy - you telling me you were pregnant. I remember."

Erin's face was full of disbelief, even more so when he leaned over and captured her lips in a deep kiss. He held the side of her face and ended it by resting their foreheads together.

"I love you, and I need you. More than you'll ever understand." He said. "You make me better. I only like who I am when I'm with you. And I know I messed up, but… I want to be better for you. And for Lucy. And…" His eyes drifted to her stomach and he couldn't help but smile. "And for this baby."

He thought about the first time he'd met her; how she'd sassed him and quipped about how she wasn't up for his patriarchy bullshit - she was driving, he shouldn't assume she'd make him coffee and she wasn't up for any slacking he was planning to do. He lay in bed that very night and couldn't help but think this new partner of his was going to change his world. He wished he could go back now and tell himself how right he was.

She held his gaze for a second, and she looked as young as she did back then. "Did you sign the papers?"

"No." He said. "And I'm gonna spend the rest of my life showing you what a huge mistake it was to even think that I should."

Her lips twitched in a smile, though her eyes were still hesitant and wary. Until finally she reached for his hand and clutched it tight.

"I love you, too." She whispered. "More than you'll ever understand."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Out of the angst and into the happiness. Hope you all enjoy these final chapters.**

* * *

Jay sat in the cafeteria, Lucy on his lap. She was spooning herself jello from a little container while Jay tried to fix the plait her hair was gradually coming out of. It was going to take time before he could master that skill.

Maybe he'd perfect it by the time his second child was born.

He smiled to himself, not caring how crazy it looked. Erin was pregnant. And if this child was going to be anything like Lucy, he could count himself the luckiest guy in the world.

He looked up at just the right time to see his brother coming towards him, lab coat flapping behind him as he strode.

"Hey." He said, taking the seat opposite Lucy and Jay.

"Will!" Lucy exclaimed, before her voice got cut off with a yawn. She sunk gently into Jay and her eyes blinked heavily.

"There she is - the talk of the hospital right now. You were such a brave girl, today, Luce."

She smiled, but even Will could see she was seconds from falling asleep. When her eyes finally closed, Will looked to his brother.

"How is she?"

"She's gonna be fine." Jay said, physically feeling the tension ease from his body as he said it.

Will looked glad. "And Erin?"

"She's sleeping." Jay said, counting the minutes until they'd go back into the room so he could watch over her. And the baby. But she'd told them to go and see what food they could salvage - which was ironically only a questionable looking jello.

Will nodded and shuffled a little awkwardly before looking his brother in the eye. "Dad's gone. And I just wanted you to know… I never told him. I don't know how he found out, but…"

"It's okay." Jay said.

"No. No, it's not. I didn't call Dad, but I haven't exactly been supportive these past few weeks. You've been dealing with things and I didn't want to bother you but I should've. I'm sorry."

Jay didn't waver. "I had a lot of people reaching out to me, and it didn't make a difference. You couldn't have made a difference." Jay added, eyes steady on his brother. "But I think the truth it, I needed Dad to show up. I needed closure."

He finally looked down at Lucy and smiled. It felt like a burden had been lifted, like he'd finally let go of the shadow his father had cast over him.

"You're a great dad." Will said after a moment. "I don't know where the hell you got it from, but I'm glad you did."

Jay smiled, thinking of all the times Erin packed Lucy's lunch with one eye on the sandwich and another on Lucy; how she lined up the stuffed animals and read her to sleep every night, how she knew how to love but also how to discipline.

He knew exactly where he got it from.

* * *

By the evening, Jay had spent most the day with Erin and Lucy. The former looked tired, and drifted in and out of sleep for most of the time he was there. At 5.45, when Erin was breathing gently with her eyes closed in bed and Lucy was doing the same atop of Jay, Hank tentatively entered the room.

Jay gave him a brief look before standing up, gently placing Lucy into the chair he was sitting in. She murmured for a second but drifted back off in half a second.

He and Voight went outside, and for a moment, no words needed to be spoken. Jay looked back to his girls for a second before meeting Hank's eye.

"Thank you." He said. "I don't remember much of it and I'm not sure I ever will, but you've been there for me in a way very few people have."

Maybe the day had him feeling sentimental, but he didn't really care. Time was always running out - he wanted to say the things he needed to while he still had time.

Hank held his eye, and Jay longed to remember any time the two of them had alone. Because although it took a while to get there, he truly did respect Hank Voight.

Voight folded his arms across his chest. "You know, I have good cause to kick your ass right about now."

Jay didn't falter. "I wouldn't blame you."

Something washed over Hank's face as they stood in silence, and Halstead half-wondered if they were about to take it outside so he could take the promised beating.

"Every decision you made since the accident… It was all about making them happy, wasn't it? Or, trying to, at least."

Jay looked back at the room, watching the two most important people to him sleep away trauma that - on some level - he'd caused. But as he looked back to Hank, he couldn't help but nod. Every single action thing he'd tried to do was with the hope of easing both their pain.

Hank smiled. "It took me about three years to learn how to be a good husband. Good enough for my wife. And that was without a brain injury, PTSD and a four year old running around. I'd say that what you've done in this past four weeks has been pretty damn amazing."

He outstretched his hand. And without a second thought, Jay shook it.

* * *

Hank had taken Lucy to go and grab a late dinner while Erin still slept, and though the offer had been extended to Jay and although he was starving, he couldn't leave Erin's side even if he wanted to.

The clock was ticking on and pretty soon they'd be going home, but right now it was only Erin, Jay and the baby inside of her.

He was caught up in is head when Erin's eyes fluttered open, but she looked so beautiful he couldn't help but smile.

"Where-" She choked out, but Jay answered before she had to finish.

"They went to get dinner." Jay whispered, pulling his chair closer to her bed. "She didn't want to leave, but when Hank mentioned ice-cream she seemed more than happy to go."

Erin chuckled a little and the sound made him smile. They fell into a silence and Jay took advantage of it - reaching over to reach her hand and run his thumb across her knuckles. He needed to feel that she was there.

"I won't be any good, you know." He murmured, not meeting her eyes. "I don't know how to change a diaper. I don't know how to do the formula. I'll be useless." He saw the nerves in her eyes - how it made her nervous. "But I promise you that I'll never stop trying. I'm not giving up again."

She smiled, eyes watery as she could finally breathe again. "Good, because I really don't want to do this alone."

"You won't have to."

Her eyes glistened a little as he said it, knowing there was unwavering truth to his words. She smiled and instinctively put her hand on her stomach.

"Everyone keeps telling me it's a miracle this baby is still here." She breathed. It was true - she'd had all kinds of doctors in her room, telling them the rarity of her situation. It was apparently a given that in such an incident the amniotic sack would rupture, if the foetus itself wasn't directly harmed, but both would cause the mother to miscarry.

Not that she'd ever put that on Jay, but when she was lying on that bed, bleeding out and waiting for him, she was almost sure she'd lost it. And though the thought of raising this new child alone broke her, it hurt more to think it wouldn't exist at all.

She chewed on her lip for a second. "I know I should've told you."

"No," He breathed. "None of this is on you. Okay? You don't have any blame, here."

She held his gaze. "Yes, I do." He opened his mouth to protest but she stopped him. "Maybe you stopped fighting for us. But… So did I."

She thought back to Will at her door, throwing her an opportunity to help Jay. And she'd shut him down. After everything they'd been through - after everything she'd put him through - he deserved better than that.

She left the unit, and him, for weeks to sleep around and drink herself into a haze. She shut him out for the first couple of years of them dating - going it alone when she felt like it and taking the world on by herself. She gave him her worst self in fights and, on more than one occasion, stormed out and stayed the night at Hank's just to hurt him. And in all those years, he did nothing but stand by her.

"Maybe this - this twisted, messed up situation was thrown at us by the universe in some sick way to teach us a lesson." He was captivated by her words, and she knew him well enough to know that, like her, he had to believe in the truth of what she was saying. Because to think of the accident as just some random event - a tragedy that could happen again at any second - would break both their hearts. Everything they'd been through would have to be for something.

With her free hand she reached for his and pressed it lightly atop of hers on her stomach. She smiled gently and felt her heart steady.

"Maybe that's what this baby's here for."

Because when she thought about it, this was the best way in which they could break. She didn't want him to turn to her ten years from now and say that he didn't love her anymore. She wanted the heated arguments and the painful words - she wanted them torn to the breaking point and rebuilding everything until they found home in one another again.

He stretched his lips in a smile so pure he looked as young as the day she met him. His eyes were on her stomach and their overlapping hands.

"This baby's a miracle." He said, half laughing with the words. When his eyes met Erin, he had no doubt in his mind. This is where their family would be rebuilt. This is where it all started again.


	27. Chapter 27

Jay held Lucy on his lap as they watched the movie, both of them fully enthralled in it. He never thought watching a movie about a princess would be so entertaining, but there was something about the way Lucy chuckled at the childish humour and cowered into him at the scary parts that warmed him.

Erin sat down next to them both, pressing her hip to his. She groaned as she sat - her wound wasn't as painful as it could've been, but that didn't mean it still didn't sting like a bitch when she moved.

"How you feeling?" Jay whispered, looking down at her with concern.

There was something behind the look she gave him; a message just for him. He caught it, reading it as, _I love you, I'm glad you're home, I can finally breathe again._

"Better." She whispered in response, leaning across to kiss Lucy's head before smoothing her hands through her hair.

Jay smiled, letting his eyes drop closed for a second as Erin's head rested on his shoulder.

Everything felt right. Like she was meant to be close enough for him to hear her heartbeat. Like Lucy was supposed to be right there in his hold. Like this was his family to take care of.

* * *

After the movie was over and Lucy's eyes were barely open, Jay scooped her up in his arms. She fell limp against him, eyes fluttering as Erin reached to kiss her cheek and say goodnight. He wrapped both arms around her and carried her slowly into her room.

It was nearly impossible put Lucy into her onesie, her arms and legs tired no matter how much she fought it. He had boundless patience, though, knowing it was the sedative and trauma of the day that was having the emphasised effect on her. As he tucked her in, he saw so much strength in her that he didn't know what to do with it all. She was four years old and she was already a warrior, so much fight in her it seemed unreal.

He kissed her nose and forehead, watching as her eyes stopped fluttering and her breathing became a little deeper.

"I'm sorry I've been a lousy father." He whispered. The nightlight illuminated the room - illuminated the apology on his face, but also the hope behind his eyes. "I'm still learning, okay? But I promise, I'm not leaving again."

He stayed there for a couple more moments, watching her sleep in the stillness of the night.

When his heart felt steady, he joined Erin back in the living room. As he gently pulled Lucy's door to a close, he turned to see Erin standing nervously. The TV was off, as were the lights, leaving only the city lights from the window behind her to illuminate her body.

Even from across the room he could feel the nerves radiate from her body. He could practically hear her heart thudding in the apartment.

And yet, this was what he'd spent every day aching for. Since the accident his head had been a mess - chockfull of guilt and pain and sadness. But standing there, heart open and pounding, he was reminded of the girl he worked opposite day in, day out: the person he could now call his wife.

As he slowly padded over to her, he stopped just in front of her so they were both shrouded in darkness. There he could see that this - she - was all he ever wanted.

He moved in slow, making sure that this was something she needed as much as he did. When their lips met, it was nervous and tentative, the purest thing he'd ever felt. When she pulled back and looked into her eyes, the fear was gone. But it was still very much present in him.

"If you want me to sleep on the couch tonight-" He started. His words faded as she reached for his hand and led him into her - their - bedroom. He hovered as she pressed the door closed.

"I don't want you to sleep on that couch ever again." She rasped.

The couch. Buying a new one. Testing it. Testing it again. Becoming official the next day.

He smiled. He could remember that day like it was yesterday, the way she looked at him and touched him burned into his brain.

He was still smiling as she backed him up, until he dropped softly to the edge of the bed. She stood between his legs, her hooded eyes still on him as she began to slowly undress.

She started with her shirt, gripping it at the bottom and tantalisingly slowly pulling it up and over her head. His eyes went straight to the wound and he felt himself falter a little. She caught it though, and instead reached for his hand to press it against the middle of her stomach.

Her hand overlapped his as the two of them thought of the small bundle of cells in there. He smiled again, innocent and happy as he thought about what the future meant for them.

When he met her eyes again, he was reminded of all the time he'd wasted not touching her and was struck by the need to make up for it. Their gaze remained steady as he reached for the button on her jeans. He watched her breath quicken a little as he tugged the jeans down her legs - legs that seemed to continue for miles - until they pooled at the floor.

She simultaneously stepped out of them and reached for his shirt. With a little help from him, the shirt was off, and it was her turn to show concern for the marks on his body.

Bruises were forming, cuts open. Even the sight made her wince and she couldn't help but run her fingers along the canvas of broken and bruised skin.

He didn't want to dwell, instead deciding to land both palms on her hips and bring her down onto the bed. She lay there, waiting as he shuffled out of his jeans and came to hover above her. He was seconds from kissing her before seeing the faded marks on her neck. He tensed up immediately.

"Jay," She whispered, seeing the look on his face.

"I can still see the marks."

She paused for a second before running her fingers across the cuts on his torso, then on her abdomen.

"So can I."

He knew what she meant. These scars - including the ones he'd inflicted on Erin - served as a reminder of what they'd been through. This pain they'd both suffered had brought them to this moment - where he felt his heart thudding so loud it scared him and the love in his chest seemed as though it would burst out.

With his eyes on her body, they then fell on something he'd previously overlooked. Her wedding ring was looped around a chain that hung around her neck.

He reached out, touched it with gentle fingers.

"I never took it off." She told him.

He laid his hand on her skin, matching up her ring and his, side by side. And then, all at once, the image of him and Erin pushing the rings onto each other's fingers, saying their 'I do's came into his head. He breathed slowly as he felt the ring against his skin, as though it was meant to be there since the day he met her.

She gave him a look with everything she had: fear, hope, love, lust, appreciation, longing. He wanted to say something else - how he was so in love with her that it didn't feel like love, it felt like something much, much, more. He wanted to tell her that she was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

But she kissed him before he could, and she did it with so much feeling that he could stop even if he wanted to. His heart pounded in his chest, racing with such speed it didn't seem safe. And in the moment he was brought back to another intimate moment they'd shared. Their first time.

"You were wearing a pantsuit… I was watching your press conference before you came." He said without thinking. His eyes snapped back into focus and looked at her, where a look of disbelief flooded her face.

It occurred to him that maybe he was ruining the mood. "I'm sorry-"

"No." She breathed, tracing lines across his shoulders. "Tell me."

She looked alive and hung onto every one of his words.

"You had a different perfume on - one I'd never smelt before. It was still on my sheets the next day." She grinned, encouraging him to go on. It baffled him how the night had came back to him with such clarity it was as though it had never left his head. But he carried on nonetheless. "We were on my bed… I kissed your neck and you said-"

"'Why did we wait so long to do this?'"

He could hear her voice all those years ago, full of lust and longing. He could taste her on his lips and remember thinking the exact same thing.

He smiled as he recalled what he said next. "And then I brought up Hank-"

"-And his stupid rule," Erin finished, matching his smile. "And then I said-"

"That you didn't wanna talk about Voight when you were lying there in your underwear."

They both laughed, as vividly as they did on that first night. The air between them was alive with hope and possibility.

When the laughter subsided, Jay pushed a strand of hair from Erin's face and left his hand gently at the side of his face.

"And then I said-" He whispered.

"'I don't ever want to stop kissing you.'" She rasped, each word full of meaning. "And then I said-"

"'So don't.'"

That completed their story, leaving only still and gentle silence.

"Erin." Jay murmured. "I don't ever want to stop kissing you."

"So don't."

* * *

 **I have one more full length chapter before this story is over. I can't believe it. Thank you for sticking with me this far.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Final chapter. Here we go.**

* * *

"Don't forget the eggs, okay? I don't think we have enough."

Erin walked the length of the aisle, observing all the different cake options. She scrunched up her face and reached for a box as she pressed the phone into her shoulder.

"Why don't I just get a box mix?"

Jay chuckled on the other end of the line. "A box mix, really? You want our son's first birthday cake to be out of a box?"

"I think a box mix might turn out better than my uncooked-in-the-middle attempt." Erin said. "Unless you wanna give it a shot?"

Jay chuckled. "You know what, a box mix sounds great."

Erin laughed, reaching for the chocolate cake packaging. As she observed the back, Jay began reeling off things they needed to get done for the day.

"Okay, so Hank's coming over early to help out with decorating the room and Kim's coming to start with the cooking. Antonio just texted to say he'll be a bit late but to save him some cake."

"Okay, sounds good." Erin affirmed, turning to the icing section. "How's the little man?"

"Still out like a light."

Erin snorted. It seemed typical. "The one day a year we don't want him to sleep…"

"I know. It's just our luck he wasn't this tired last night."

Erin smirked to herself as she lazed down the aisle. "We have tomorrow…"

"Yeah?"

"Uh huh." She rasped. "Lucy's been begging to stay at Hank's lately, and Kim offered to take Josh any time we needed."

"You really have this all figured out, don't you?"

Erin bit her lip as she rounded the next aisle, casually looking to see if anyone was in earshot and could hear what she was saying.

"We could light some candles, put on some music…"

"Very classy." Jay acknowledged. "Pretty much the opposite to what we did in the bathroom at Molly's last week."

"Are you complaining?" She said, biting back the grin threatening to consume her entire face.

"No." He replied instantly. "Absolutely not."

Erin chuckled, picturing the look of mischief and love that she knew would be on his face. She wanted to get back home to him and their kids.

"I'm just gonna pick up some more balloons and then I'll be home."

"Okay, I'll see you soon. And Erin," She heard the strain in his voice. "Drive safe."

It was something they said daily now, both fully aware of what can happen if things don't go as planned. It used to frighten her to death every time he left - wondering if he'd come back and not remember her face at all. But gradually she learned to let it go and spend each fleeting moment loving her family, rather than fearing for the worst.

"I will. I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

Jay was on the sofa in their apartment, Josh bouncing in his lap as he spoke about the recent game with Hank just opposite him. The house was littered with people, standing and sitting, drinking and eating. The room was alive with love.

With his son pressed against his chest, his daughter cracking jokes across the room and his wife talking animatedly with her hand on his knee, Jay could comfortably say he'd never been more content in his entire life.

Josh babbled absently and curled his tiny fingers around Jay's one, the mere action eliciting an indescribable reaction in him. He held his son a little closer and kissed the soft crown of his head.

Earlier, Josh had dropped his toy on the ground and the noise was starling - enough to draw attention from almost everyone in the room. And that mere moment had struck something inside of Jay - thinking there was a time where that would have him cowering on the floor with flashbacks racing through his troubled head. Now, nothing.

His PTSD wasn't fully gone, however, and he wasn't sure if it ever would be. Maybe trauma needed ongoing assistant, not a quick fix. But he hadn't had an episode in what felt like forever - so monthly meetings with Dr. Charles was the price he would willingly pay for the life he wanted.

"Shall we bring the cake out?" Jay asked Erin after a moment.

"Yeah." She said, rising from her seat. "I'll go and light the candles."

"Try not and burn yourself." Jay joked. As he said it, he realised it was a new thing he'd remembered - he could visualise Erin burning the tips of her fingers as she lit Lucy's cake a couple of years ago.

When his memory began coming back, he and Erin celebrated every remembrance, regardless of how insignificant. Now, with passed time, they toned it down a little, merely sharing a knowing look with joint happiness.

As Erin went to retrieve the cake, Jay took a second to look around the room. All the people he loved were there, smiling and laughing as though there was nowhere else in the world they'd rather be.

"Dad, dad!" Lucy called from across the room. "Why was six afraid of seven?" She asked, barely containing her laughter.

Jay licked his lip and feigned confusion. All Lucy seemed to do at Kindergarten was learn corny jokes and spend her time telling them to Jay and Erin over and over again. Not that he minded in the least - he could never tire of hearing them.

"I don't know, Luce, why?"

"Because seven ate nine!" She exclaimed, earning a hearty chuckle from Atwater at her side. Jay couldn't help but laugh, too, seeing the joy on his daughter's face.

"Hey, Luce. What do you call cheese that's not yours?" Lucy already began giggling before she heard the punchline, already knowing it'd be golden. "Nacho cheese!"

Ruzek was about to bust Jay's balls for going soft in his old age and time as a father, but Erin bringing out the cake cut off any banter. Soon enough, the lights were off and everyone was singing Happy Birthday to the birthday boy.

Erin leaned down on her knees, holding the cake out in front of Josh who was bouncing on Jay's lap. Jay held him close, finishing singing in his ear before leaning as close to him as possible.

"Make a wish, son."

His eyes connected with Erin's for a fleeting second as they both thought the same thing. They had exactly the same wish for their lives, and they were both currently living it.

She looked beautiful in the light of the burning candle - so much so that it took his breath for a second.

"Go on, baby. Blow out the candle." Erin said, moving her eyes to Josh. She beamed at him before cocking her head to Lucy.

"Come on, Luce. I think your brother needs your help."

Lucy was over in a second, showing Josh how to do it. Lucy actually blew it out, seeing as Josh was only really capable of blowing raspberries, but they all cheered just the same.

Erin got back to her feet. "Wanna help me cut the cake, sweetie?"

"Yeah!" Lucy exclaimed, following Erin enthusiastically to the kitchen.

Jay chuckled at the sight before sliding Josh onto his shoulders and getting up himself, standing proud in the middle of the room. Josh's tiny fingers clutched Jay's as he giggled joyfully in the air while Jay jostled him around a little. The sound was music to his ears.

He could also hear Lucy and Erin laugh from the kitchen, too. That was the second sound he needed to hear to completely soothe his soul.

* * *

Erin leaned back on the sofa, Josh curled onto her chest in a deep sleep. She gentle rubbed her thumb up and down the side of his head as she felt their heartbeats synchronise.

From the other side of the sofa, Kim smiled. "You two look like you just fit together perfectly."

Erin chuckled a little. "What you're seeing now is his sweet side. When he's screaming at 3am we're not so compatible. You'll see, soon."

Kim rubbed her hand across her pregnant stomach. She was only seven months but looked ready to pop. She exhaled a deep breath before sharing a nervous smile.

"You don't have a handbook or something, do you? 'The Halstead and Lindsay Guide to Parenting'? I think me and Adam need a crash course or something."

"You'll be fine." Erin said with a smile.

Kim wasn't so sure. But she had something important on her mind. "You're kind of heroes, you know that? What you went through - both of you… And you came out the other side stronger."

Erin swallowed. She thought about the accident daily - about what it had done for their family. She often wondered where they'd be if it never happened, but then pushed those thoughts from her mind. She forced herself to live in the moment and appreciate what the universe had given her. Because it was pretty damn good.

Josh stirred a little in her arms so she rocked him for a second or two.

"If you're looking for advice, I recommend going to Chipotle and saying your vows into a camera." Kim and Erin both laughed at that and only subsided when the latter caught Jay's eye from across the room. He was playing poker with the guys, Lucy tight at his side as he was teaching her how to play. He gave her the smallest of smiles that ignited everything inside of her.

"But just remember that no matter what happens, family is the most important thing. And when something means that much, you don't let it slip away. Not without a fight."

* * *

"Jess has got a dog, and he's huge!" Lucy exclaimed.

She sat on the back of the sofa with Erin perched in front of her. With a hairbrush in one hand and a comb in the other, Lucy was trying her hardest to plait her mother's hair while also trying her hardest to convince both parents to finally buy her the dog she'd been begging for.

"So is her backyard." Erin responded, cross legged with her five year old tugging on the waves of her hair.

"But Mom-"

"Me and Dad have told you, Luce. When we get a house, we'll talk about getting a dog."

While Lucy groaned with annoyance behind her, Erin's eyes slipped to her side - to Jay - where she had a coy smile reserved for him. She saw by the look in his eye and knew by the gentleness of his nature that he wanted more than anything to tell their daughter they'd been looking at dogs last week.

But he knew as well as Erin that this secret needed to be kept hidden for as long as possible.

From beside the two of them, Jay held his son in his arms. "What are you talking about, Lucy? We've got our own puppy right here."

Josh looked up at his father with deep green eyes, brown hair swept airily atop his head. Jay bounced him happily on his lap, entirely captivated by the cute sight of his son in a furry dog onesie.

Erin reached out her hand to grab a hold of Josh's. "And he looks so cute." She rasped, waving his tiny fist around.

Jay leaned back a little to catch a glimpse at the back of his wife's hair.

"Speaking of cute…"

Erin tried to reach his eye. "How am I looking?"

"Honestly," Jay started. "You've never looked better."

Lucy giggled as she added another hair tie to the masterpiece that she'd created before climbing off the couch to go and grab a mirror.

While Jay chuckled at her side, Erin's eyes went back to her son, watching as he softly yawned and blinked heavily. She ran her fingers gently against his forehead and spoke in a hushed voice.

"Happy Birthday, baby."

Jay joined her in a proud smile down to Josh before turning his attention to her. He pressed a kiss into her mess of a hairstyle as she fell into his side.

The end was coming to a perfect day.

* * *

Erin drew lazy circles into Jay's chest as he held her close in their bed. It was almost midnight - the kids had long gone to sleep, wiped from the craziness of the day, and Erin and Jay were equally tired.

But Erin didn't quite want to close her eyes - not yet. Because that would mean less time hearing Jay murmur in her ear and feel the touch of his skin.

"We have to pick up the keys tomorrow." She rasped.

"I know." He replied, mimicking the lines she traced on his chest on her shoulder.

She breathed a deep breath. "It's gonna be hard to leave this place."

They'd decided to get a house a couple of months ago. Jay had brought it up and Erin had jumped at the chance. Now, the move would only be a few weeks away - which meant boxing up the apartment they both knew as home and taking it elsewhere.

Everything had happened in that apartment. It was where Erin had taken Nadia in. It was where she'd been studying day in day out to get into the academy. It was where she'd said she wanted to learn to cook and nearly burnt the whole place down trying to make spaghetti. It was where Erin had spent weeks sobbing into her pillow after Nadia was gone.

But it was also the place where Jay had snuck into, asking, "Should I sneak down the fire escape?" to escape a fearful Voight. It was where they'd watched the game, both pretending it was entirely platonic but knowing full well their chemistry was electric. It was where she'd had a new couch delivered. It was where she kissed him for the first time since she'd lost herself - ironically, that kiss was where she'd found herself. It was where their daughter and son were born - where their little world had started.

"Yeah." Jay mused. It wasn't going to be easy to leave. "But this house, it'll be good for us. Lucy can have her own room - I can finally build her that closet we were talking about. And Josh'll have so much more space for all his toys. And that yard? They'll love it. I'm telling you, Josh has got a real strong kick. I can play soccer with him everyday out there. Plus Lucy needs room to practice, y'know, if she's still gonna be a Blackhawk."

Erin chucked as she looked up to Jay. "That sounds perfect."

He nodded pushing the hair back from her face before holding his grip there. "I can't wait to make a whole new set of memories with you."

That struck something deep inside of her. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Always."

He said that final word with no hint of doubt or hesitation. Because now, with everything the universe had thrown at them, both knew that whatever challenges they faced, they'd make it out the other side stronger than before.

He knew the day he met her that their journey wasn't going to be easy, but that didn't mean it wasn't rewarding; because when he thought about it, Erin Lindsay had given him everything he ever wanted.

* * *

 **So this is it. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for the reviews, favourites and messages I've received for this story - it's unbelievable. I'm proud of myself for getting this finished and having fairly regular updates - and I'm especially proud at the few messages I've received stating how much my writing has improved from my other fics. This has been an amazing story to write and I'm going to miss it.**

 **This is the final official chapter, but the one after this is just something I decided to post on a whim. You, by no means, have to read it and it is not the official ending to this story - just something interesting I thought about as an alternate ending that maybe I would've pursued if I was edgier and less desperate for happy endings. Give it a read if you want, and if you do, keep in mind it should be viewed as an alternative to this chapter, not a follow-on.**

 **With Season 4 soon approaching, I want to say my inspiration will soon be heightened again. Though I have a lot going on in my personal life, something about this ship just has a hold on me, and so I will continue to write as much as I possibly can.**

 **If you liked this story/my writing, please check out my other stories. I have two one-shot collections that I will continue to update regularly - please drop any prompts/requests if you have them! I also have a few other ideas for stories, but we'll see how that pans out.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	29. Chapter 29

**ALTERNATE ENDING.**

Erin's head pounded as she slowly came to consciousness. She kept her eyes closed, afraid of what she'd see if they opened. Her lips were dry and cracked as she licked them, her muscles pounding in each limb. Where was she? Was this a hangover? Why was she in so much pain?

She recognised Hank's voice somewhere in the distance, as well as Dawson's. Everything else seemed pretty fuzzy.

All at once, her hearing bursted to life and she heard voices all around her. It gave her the strength and inspired the curiosity needed for her to finally open her eyes.

Her heart beat a little faster as she immediately recognised where she was; a hospital room. But in front of those painfully pale walls were her team. Her heart steadied a little then; Intelligence always showed up.

Her eyes went to Hank first, like they always did. But he didn't look like he should - did he just have a bad night sleep? Why did it look like he'd aged around ten years since she'd last seen him.

"Erin?!" The voice was unfamiliar. "She's awake! Erin! Erin, oh, thank god."

He was coming towards her, and the face was wholly unfamiliar. Unnerved and frankly quite shaken up, Erin tried to fully sit up and shuffle up the bed. When she did, a new wave of confusion hit her.

The weight on her stomach became apparent immediately. She was pregnant.

"What the hell…" She murmured shakily.

"How do you feel?" The guy was beside her now, reaching for her hand. But she pulled it away and instead pulled the bed sheet off her, eyes still deeply burning on the swell of her pregnant stomach.

"What's going on?!"

"Hey, it's alright-" He touched her hand and she jolted away from him.

"Who are you?! What… What's happening? Where am I and what the hell is going on?!"

As soon as she said it, it was as though the air was sucked from the room. Like she'd stood on a landmine and blown the room to bits.

She maybe thought this was all an elaborate dream after a tough day of work. But this man in front of her was real - his eyes piercing hers as he begged her silently. For what, she didn't know. And after he shared a shaky look with Hank, Erin guessed whatever was going on was far worse than she anticipated.

He took a step back, face pale and slightly shaky. "Erin, you… You know who I am, right?"

Three seconds passed and she didn't answer, and she could visibly see with each passing one that his heart was breaking a little more each time.

And when he held up his hand and showed her the ring gleaming on his finger, she felt the air knocked out of her.

"I'm your husband, Erin. It's me, Jay."

No recognition flashed on her face and she knew it broke him completely. She tried to think who he was - or who he might be - but nothing seemed right. In a panic she felt her breath quicken, and wanted nothing more to just close her eyes and come out of whatever crazy dream she was in.

The guy turned behind him. "Get the doctor, now." He said, teeth gritted.

Then he turned to Hank, who looked equally pale. The tension in the room was painful. "How the hell can this be happening again?"


End file.
